The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fuckability
Are you not getting cat-called or objectified enough? Perhaps you’re too aggressive, or your body hair is unsightly. Maybe it’s just that you don’t smile enough or your makeup hasn’t reached the penultimate level of contouring. In today’s modern society, it’s not enough to simply gaze critically at your reflection and ask “mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most fuckable of them all?”
That is why we’ve created the (satirical) Modern Woman’s Guide to Fuckability:
The Naked Mole Rat is your spirit animal.
Take a look at this photo of a Naked Mole Rat. What are the differences that you note? No, silly! It’s not that the Naked Mole Rat is a sightless, speechless, ground dweller, and you are a strong, assertive woman. Look closer! It’s the hair, or rather the lack thereof, that is striking in dissimilarity. In order to be fuckable in today’s modern society, you must invoke the hairlessness of your new spirit animal.
So dig out the razor, call up the waxing technician (yes, it will take a technician after your feminist phase, you silly girl), and scrutinize and self-sabotage until you decide that your arm hair needs to go as well. You will not be fuckable until you are as hairless as the Naked Mole Rat!
Your face is a frozen mask of smiles.
Have you ever had that experience where someone is just taking too dang long to snap a photo and you just have to keep smiling like an idiot until your face starts to hurt? Well, as they say, beauty is pain. It’s time you get used to this unnatural state of constant euphoria, especially when your fuckability is on the line.
But don’t worry, if you’ve already had a hard day of facial muscle tension after attempting to negotiate with your boss for equal pay, a kind man on the street will gladly remind you to turn your smile back on. After all, who wants to fuck someone with a frown? Even my erection is wilting.
Repress bodily functions.
What’s the difference between you and a blow-up doll? If your answer is that you are not an inanimate object, you would be incorrect. The correct answer is that you are not to be filled with gaseous substances. Pretending that bodily functions don’t apply to you is just simply polite in today’s modern society.
You’re a beauty queen, an ideal of perfection, a pressurized can of nitrous oxide! Just keep the guffawing to a minimum when the bros next to you at the bar start releasing their flatulence – you don’t want to depressurize by accident!
Learn to take a compliment, already!
It is an absolute tragedy that today’s batch of females are so down on themselves, they can’t even see a compliment when it’s right in their face – bad breath, leering gaze and all! With all the effort that we put into being fuckable every day, we might as well reap the rewards, right?
And don’t be alarmed if your reward is a grubby, fat man with overdeveloped sweat glands complimenting you on the shapeliness of your behind. Beggars can’t be choosers, so just take the compliment, already! It means your attempt at fuckability is working.
Be sensitive to men’s feelings.
Perhaps the most important thing of all is to remember that our male counterparts have feelings, too. Always make sure to respond kindly to an advance because if you do not, their feelings may be hurt. Rejecting a sexual advance is just as damaging and wearisome as getting rejected for that promotion you worked so hard for, or being postponed for that promised raise yet again!
Plus, becoming more fuckable can do wonders for your life! Maybe you would get that promotion if you just smiled or flirted back. Maybe you would come across more professional if you would just wear some more eye shadow and maybe a touch of lipstick. And at the end of the day, increased fuckability will get you what every woman really wants – the opportunity to juggle career, motherhood, and a social life while gazing longingly at that crystal clear glass ceiling.