Relationships

Cutting the Fat: How the Deal With Toxic People

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Other things to consider:

Don’t let time validate a friendship. Maybe someone’s just been a shitty friend for over ten years and you’re afraid to let them go. Doesn’t make them any better of a companion. I had a friend I brought with me through middle school, high school, and college. She was an awful person and it was a parasitic relationship, but I felt I had already invested so much time into the friendship that I couldn’t possibly scrap it. Yeah, she told everyone at our high school that I didn’t deserve the scholarship that I received and that I cheated on the test, and she told all my friends that I was talking about them behind their backs when I wasn’t, but we’ve had some good times, right? No. She was the definition of a toxic human. Her butt got kicked to the curb.

Cutting the Fat: How the Deal With Toxic People

Self inflicting ignorance can be your biggest enemy. Pretending there isn’t a problem only makes the problem worse. It makes the person on the other end of the bad friendship think what they’re doing is okay and that they can keep doing it. And you’ll bottle your problems up until you can’t take it and have a nuclear melt down. Everyone comes out a loser in this equation.

Don’t fall into guilt/friend manipulation. If they really did care, they wouldn’t be trying to manipulate you. Once again, they’re attempting to take advantage of your for their own personal gain. Let actions speak louder.

Above all, know that you deserve more than ‘friends’ who don’t want the world for you. Someone can be toxic even if you love them. It’s not selfish to think about your own wellbeing; your health and happiness should be a priority. If there is a person in your life relentlessly bringing you down, it’s time to let go.

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30 Comments

  1. Jackie Lewis

    Everybody has a friend that falls in one of these categories–but most people are either used to it, unsure of how to proceed, or just too damn nice to make the cut they need. I think it is always important to give your all in a friendship, but everyone should also make sure that it isn’t tearing them down too.

  2. Megan Phillips

    Friendships take work. Just like every other relationship. I like what you said about prioritizing your health and wellbeing. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t be a good friend to the ones who deserve it. One thing that I think is important though is that we should not only take into consideration the toxic friends background and character, but also have a serious conversation about how their actions or words are affecting us. I think that should happen before deciding to end the friendship. Let them know how you would like to be treated, consider what they have to say. If they can’t respect your needs after that then appropriate distance is in order.

  3. Cornelia Green

    Well said and too true. Toxic people are so damaging. It’s sad but true – some people are just bad to be around. We deserve people who will make us feel wonderful., not terrible. Thank you so much for this article and bringing awareness to the fact that some people are just, toxic.

  4. Heather Strobel

    this is the TRUTH! You’re so correct on all your suggestions.

  5. Kimberly Vigil

    Toxic people need control above all else. Sometimes this is driven by low self-esteem, sometimes insecurity, sometimes both or something else altogether. I thank this website as it made me realize how to make good friends and how to know who is a good or a bad friend. You were able to illustrate the essence of this idea. I want to say thank you for the indicate advice.

  6. Rosemary Robles

    Amazing!, so many things to chew slowly about this post. I came very close to accepting a toxic person in my life and even in my house. I’ve confronted her about her bad behavior. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly felt lighter. Thank you so much for this article! It has been so enlightening.

  7. Grace Stirling

    wow.. this what just what I needed to read this morning. Everything you said is just spot on. I really dislike it when people think that I’ll always be there for them, like I have nothing else to do. And they will only contact you if they need something from you. I deserve to be respected.

  8. Jenny Garett

    This is a fantastic article. Exactly what I needed to read. One of the hardest things about loving a toxic person is that there is nothing you can do to change them. I am very grateful you took the time to share this post. Thank you for this article.

  9. I loved this article. Sounds like everyone in the world has some “toxic” traits. I’m keeping this one. I would love to get a copy of this article to share with my girlfriends. This is such an important point – thanks for this perspective Cristiana! 🙂

  10. Louise Stone

    This is total brilliance! Toxic people have an unfathomable need for control and a complete lack of empathy. With toxic people, you can give everything you have and it will never be enough. Thank you for putting it into this fabulous string of words. I’ll be sharing this with everyone I know at every opportunity. This was really helpful.

  11. Esther Earl Harris

    What a fantastically insightful article this is. I only wish I had seen something like this during my marriage. We’re starting to have more and more awareness around the mess that toxic people leave behind. It’s real and it’s ugly. I’m in a better place now with people around me who really deserves me. 🙂

  12. Hazel Collins

    I think you’re spot on. It makes such a difference having healthy people in your life who are able to bring things into focus doesn’t it. Toxic people often believe that they are more charismatic and people-savvy than most others. There are too many good people in the world who deserve you to waste time and energy on the people with don’t. This is a must read!

  13. Ashley Moore

    Fascinating article, which helps a lot about why people behave in certain ways. After reading this, I’ve realized that toxic people really don’t matter. I will not give them my wonderful energy and will keep it for the people who deserve me. There will be plenty of those. I’ll keep flying and living well above the ones who would otherwise drag me down. 🙂

  14. Helen Dark

    Thank you for writing an article I can relate to. I could see myself in your descriptions rather than argue against them. Having read through this, I’m also very often the toxic person and I’ve just recognize so many of the behaviors you’ve mentioned. Toxic people don’t usually know they are toxic. right? I will take my discomfort as a sign of growth and keep moving forward.

  15. Elsie Spurlock

    This sounds exactly like my recent situation. We’ve all had toxic people dust us with their poison. The article and these comments were great to read. Thank you for talking about this. It is much needed.

  16. Merry Robinson

    This is so awesome… your perspective is on point. Over the years I have dealt a few toxic people and I started to worry that I was the toxic one because it kept affecting me. I’m the type of person who does not like conflict so when I try to fix the situation and talk. Reading this article made me feel better about a situation I am dealing with. Thanks for the great insight!

  17. Lela House

    Gotta love this! I know a lot of toxic people but after reading this, i see how easy it is to deal and get over with them. “DOES SHE ONLY TEXT YOU WHEN SHE NEEDS SOMETHING?” So true and painfully sad. Made me realized to keep doing what i’m doing and just ignore them. This was a great read and this opened up a box of worms for me. Thank you for sharing this all important lesson.

  18. Melani Kalev

    “It’s important to not instantly write people off, but try to understand why they act the way they do. If they’re simply terrible humans, kiss them goodbye, but if they’re bringing positive vibes into your life at the end of the day, maybe they’re worth it.”

    This definitely resonates. This kind of dilemma ‘oh what should I do with this friendship?! it isn’t all that bad, right?’. And since my friends are all over the world, the distance factor doesn’t make things easier. The funny thing is that the more you think about ‘what should I do’, the less you know the right thing to do. And in this case, however, the distance helps – people are not physically there and they’re not able to force you into something you don’t really want to do, you’re not forced to see them, spend time with them, etc. And it’s also easier to take a breather and let this relationship be, at least for a while.

  19. This is soooo true! I had way too many “takers” in my life. I did a major friend reshuffling last year. My life is so much better now that I have considerate friends : )

  20. Hannah Meyers

    I guess I’m lucky not to have these intoxicating friends. But then again, I choose my friends wisely. VERY wisely.

  21. Girls. There’s always something dramatic happening. But I do agree with some points.

    • Cristiana Caruso

      Girls aren’t the only ones who produce drama. Have you ever watched a group of men drafting their fantasy football league? Thank you for agreeing with my points that are not exclusively for women! I appreciate the support!

  22. Gabrielle Williams

    As I stay at home most of the time, I always get these impromptu invites. But thanks the heavens I am always able to get out of the bend by saying that my kids need their mommy.

    • Hannah Mayers

      I think the key here is knowing and setting your priorities and having the courage to say “no”

  23. Sandra Brown

    I had a friend who used to only send me messages when she needed a place to stay the night over every time she visit NYC. But when I want to visit her and stay over her place, I can’t even get a decent reply. So much for girl friends forever.

    • Courtney Watson

      I can relate! And yeah, so much for “girl friends forever.”

      I used to ask myself, “Am I too kind that I’m taken for granted by my “friends”?

  24. Francis Woods

    OMG!!! I totally get this article! SOme of my bffs are annoying like this. I am sleeping and get a text that they’re waiting for me downstairs. What’s that all about???

  25. I love my girl friends, I really do. Saying no to them is a hassle, but sometimes a friend’s got to do what a friend’s got to do. But since I met my husband, I’ve got my priorities straight now.

    • Francis Woods

      You shouldn’t let your friends get their way! I mean, I also love my bffs, but I need sleep. Sleep > Bffs. LOL 😛

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