The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies - URBANETTE: Lifestyle Magazine & Blog


The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Everything you ever needed to know about your own fantasies, and how to convey them.


Open and honest communication is one of the keys to a satisfying sex life—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. It can be embarrassing and nerve-racking to tell your partner what you really want, especially if the relationship is just a casual one. But the rewards are worth the temporary awkwardness, so I’ll help you get there.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Go ahead – tell him your sexual fantasies…

Defining Needs, Desires, and Fantasies

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Craving a threesome?

Before you can express what you want, it’s important to understand the difference between these three concepts. Here’s how I see it… A sexual need is a physical or psychological requirement for your well-being. This can include the needs for security and affection as well as sexual release on a physical level. A sexual desire is something you wish or hope for but are able to live without, such as an emotional connection with your partner or having sex more often. Finally, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on but isn’t necessarily something you’d want to go through with in real life.

HOT TIP: On a piece of paper, make three columns labeled “needs,” “desires,” and “fantasies,” and fill in each one. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and need, which will help when it comes time to open up to your partner.


When to Tell Him Your Fantasies

People often ask me, “How long into a relationship should I wait before telling my partner about my needs/desires/fantasies?” Every situation and relationship is different, but here’s a general guideline. Your basic needs should be met from the first encounter—including one-night stands.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Want to get kinky?

If you’re having sex with someone, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and secure. And if you need some kissing or cuddling to enjoy a sexual encounter, then by all means express that need. This isn’t a business transaction; it’s the most intimate human activity, so don’t be embarrassed. If your partner can’t fulfill your basic needs, you should find someone else to have sex with.

Sexual desires can be expressed in the early stages of a casual or long-term sexual relationship. Within the first few weeks, you should be able to tell your partner that it’s hard for you to achieve orgasm in the missionary position or that having your neck kissed turns you on. As the relationship progresses, you should be able to openly express all your sexual desires to your partner, even if it means telling him that his technique doesn’t work for you or that you aren’t satisfied with how often you have sex.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

You don’t just have to do what pleases him

As for your deepest, darkest fantasies, you might need to wait a little longer to let them out into the open. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about kinky or unusual scenarios, but it’s possible that your partner will be surprised or even shocked and won’t understand or accept them right away. So it’s usually best to build a solid foundation for the relationship before pulling out the big guns.

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Sabrina is the author of 'A Fantastic Sex Life… And How to Get It!' Her work has been published in numerous print magazines and websites, including Women’s Fitness, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health,, Good Health, Australian Women’s Weekly, body+soul, Runner’s World, Kidspot, ninemsn Health & Wellbeing, FHM (monthly “Ask Sabrina” column), MAXIM, Ralph, Eat Fit and ZOO Weekly.

Reader Discussion: 86 Comments

  1. Eleanor Honea

    I once dated a guy who seemed pretty straight edge in bed. Our sex consisted of doggy style, missionary, and cowgirl, but I needed something more. I wanted him to choke me during sex. Auto-erotic asphyxiation had always turned me on but I felt embarrassed bringing it up. I didn’t want him to think I was super weird or feel turned off. My sexual fantasies felt like a vulnerability, a deep dark secret I didn’t want to share with anyone. But once I was able to articulate to him exactly what I wanted, I felt more sexually empowered and our communication felt stronger than ever. It also turned out that he had always wanted to try it too.

  2. Jennifer Baker

    What if you had a fantasy, you tried it, it did not go well, and now you have no more fantasies?

  3. Josh

    I’ve spent a vast majority of my adult life always, always, always being honest yet delicate when trying to gauge a partner on some of my kinks, and it always ended badly because the women I was intimate with were just not into it, even though some of them tried. And my kinks aren’t even all that weird (light BDSM, panty/lingerie fetish, cosplay, group sex). And then recently I met someone who is completely interested in what cranks my shaft, so to speak, and at 38 years old, I finally feel alive … and I don’t know if that’s pathetic or adorable. I’ll have to ask her.

    • Jean Perry

      Ew. Just ew.

    • Martha Gilmore

      Josh — “not that weird”?? Really?? No offense, but I’m guessing that’s super weird for 90% of people.

  4. Evangeline Cruz

    “Be sure you want to do them.” Some fantasies play out way better in your head than in real life. And some are every bit as awesome as you imagine, too. But there are some fantasies that just do not live up to what one might imagine.

  5. Martha Gilmore

    Married couples should share their fantasies or their desires. There is nothing wrong with it. If you share, you’ll find out your spouse’s delight or disdain. Otherwise, you’ll never know! Will it affect the relationship? Maybe. But that is exactly the point of being together in marriage. Unless we choose to live with lies, the relationship should be even stronger. Share your sexual fantasies.. find out now or never… not even on your death bed!

    • Kimberly Washington

      You’re right about that. The mind fuck is better than the actual fuck. Some fantasies take a lot of preparation and then they turn out right and it ruins the whole thing. Sometimes it’s hotter to just talk about it or watch someone else do it.

      • Martha Gilmore

        I agree, but I don’t like porn. It grosses me out!

  6. Janet Day

    I love these articles that boil down to “be a fucking adult”.

  7. Agnes Hoots

    I recently shared my fantasies with my husband and I was careful in my word choices and how I said things. I didn’t want to say anything that was going to make him go on the defensive or feel inadequate. I spoke about what I was feeling and wanted to explore, making it not about us but about me. I also asked him questions about things he may not have shared that he’d be interested in.

  8. Christine Wiggin

    I recently had a very stressful and uncomfortable conversation with my husband about this very topic. I was agitated for weeks leading up to it because I felt very uncomfortable saying what I wanted to say out loud. I’m very glad I did, though.

    • Jennifer Kirkpatrick

      So you approached your husband about this? I’m assuming that you are the more adventurous one in the relationship? If I’m heading in the right direction… was it something super taboo? I can’t get my husband to even engage in anything besides the regular sex… Nothing I can do about that.

      • Christine Wiggin

        Yes, he reacted much better than expected. It actually really helped our relationship overall (and definitely helped our sex life!!) I think it’s always better to be honest and communicate.

  9. Audrey Bailey

    I do like the idea of getting comfortable speaking out loud with your partner about these things.

  10. Eleanor Guerrero

    I think it’s time to make my fantasies a reality.

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