The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies - URBANETTE: Lifestyle Magazine & Blog


The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Everything you ever needed to know about your own fantasies, and how to convey them.


How to Express Your Desires

Even for the most confident and outgoing person, expressing sexual wants can be intimidating. Here are a few tips and tricks to help it go smoothly.

Pick the right time to talk: If you try to bring it up as your partner is dashing off to work, chances are you won’t get anywhere, and you may even end up arguing about it. Introduce the topic when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any other commitments.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

How to get to YES

Be open and honest: Even if you feel embarrassed and struggle to get your words out at first, stick with it. Say what’s on your mind in straightforward terms and be clear as to whether you’re discussing desires you hope your partner can fulfill or you’re just playfully talking about fantasies you don’t necessarily want to go through with. If you’re discussing fantasies, don’t approach it too seriously—have fun with it.

Be positive: Make sure to use optimistic and constructive words so your partner doesn’t feel criticized. For example, say, “I really love it when you go down on me. That swirly movement you do with your tongue is the best! Do you think you could do that the whole time you’re down there?” Or, “You turn me on so much, I feel like having sex with you all the time. We’ve just been so busy recently and haven’t had as much time as we used to. Do you think we could try to set aside more time for sex?”

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Dreaming of dressing up like a schoolgirl?

Be patient: Don’t expect your partner to accept and embrace your desires and fantasies right away. If he reacts negatively, explain that you don’t expect him to want the same thing, but that you wanted to share your thoughts and feelings. Then leave it alone for a while and try to broach the topic again a few weeks later. Or your partner might be the one to bring it up again after thinking about it for a while.

Respect your partner’s wishes: If you’ve always wanted to have sex in a public place or a threesome with two guys but your partner says there’s no way he’d ever consider it, you might simply have to accept that some of your sexual dreams can’t be fulfilled. And while fantasies like threesomes, orgies, and watching your partner have sex with someone else can be a huge turn-on, going through with them could seriously hurt your relationship. Sometimes fantasies are better left in the realm of the imagination. Why not explore them verbally with your partner while having sex? The mind is a powerful thing, and discussing your wildest imaginations can be just as satisfying as bringing them to life.

Have an open mind: Now that you’ve expressed your desires and fantasies, you have to be prepared to listen to your partner’s. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that you’re on the same wavelength, but you could also be shocked by what your partner has to say. If so, try not to get upset or angry, and be honest about how you feel. Attempt to keep an open mind and take the time to think about what your partner has said.

Compromise: If you and your partner’s desires and fantasies diverge, try to arrive at a compromise. For example, if you like a little more variety than your partner does when it comes to sexual positions, agree to try a new position each month. Or if your partner would like to experiment with light bondage but you don’t feel comfortable being restrained with handcuffs, suggest using silk scarves.

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Sabrina is the author of 'A Fantastic Sex Life… And How to Get It!' Her work has been published in numerous print magazines and websites, including Women’s Fitness, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health,, Good Health, Australian Women’s Weekly, body+soul, Runner’s World, Kidspot, ninemsn Health & Wellbeing, FHM (monthly “Ask Sabrina” column), MAXIM, Ralph, Eat Fit and ZOO Weekly.

Reader Discussion: 86 Comments

  1. Eleanor Honea

    I once dated a guy who seemed pretty straight edge in bed. Our sex consisted of doggy style, missionary, and cowgirl, but I needed something more. I wanted him to choke me during sex. Auto-erotic asphyxiation had always turned me on but I felt embarrassed bringing it up. I didn’t want him to think I was super weird or feel turned off. My sexual fantasies felt like a vulnerability, a deep dark secret I didn’t want to share with anyone. But once I was able to articulate to him exactly what I wanted, I felt more sexually empowered and our communication felt stronger than ever. It also turned out that he had always wanted to try it too.

  2. Jennifer Baker

    What if you had a fantasy, you tried it, it did not go well, and now you have no more fantasies?

  3. Josh

    I’ve spent a vast majority of my adult life always, always, always being honest yet delicate when trying to gauge a partner on some of my kinks, and it always ended badly because the women I was intimate with were just not into it, even though some of them tried. And my kinks aren’t even all that weird (light BDSM, panty/lingerie fetish, cosplay, group sex). And then recently I met someone who is completely interested in what cranks my shaft, so to speak, and at 38 years old, I finally feel alive … and I don’t know if that’s pathetic or adorable. I’ll have to ask her.

    • Jean Perry

      Ew. Just ew.

    • Martha Gilmore

      Josh — “not that weird”?? Really?? No offense, but I’m guessing that’s super weird for 90% of people.

  4. Evangeline Cruz

    “Be sure you want to do them.” Some fantasies play out way better in your head than in real life. And some are every bit as awesome as you imagine, too. But there are some fantasies that just do not live up to what one might imagine.

  5. Martha Gilmore

    Married couples should share their fantasies or their desires. There is nothing wrong with it. If you share, you’ll find out your spouse’s delight or disdain. Otherwise, you’ll never know! Will it affect the relationship? Maybe. But that is exactly the point of being together in marriage. Unless we choose to live with lies, the relationship should be even stronger. Share your sexual fantasies.. find out now or never… not even on your death bed!

    • Kimberly Washington

      You’re right about that. The mind fuck is better than the actual fuck. Some fantasies take a lot of preparation and then they turn out right and it ruins the whole thing. Sometimes it’s hotter to just talk about it or watch someone else do it.

      • Martha Gilmore

        I agree, but I don’t like porn. It grosses me out!

  6. Janet Day

    I love these articles that boil down to “be a fucking adult”.

  7. Agnes Hoots

    I recently shared my fantasies with my husband and I was careful in my word choices and how I said things. I didn’t want to say anything that was going to make him go on the defensive or feel inadequate. I spoke about what I was feeling and wanted to explore, making it not about us but about me. I also asked him questions about things he may not have shared that he’d be interested in.

  8. Christine Wiggin

    I recently had a very stressful and uncomfortable conversation with my husband about this very topic. I was agitated for weeks leading up to it because I felt very uncomfortable saying what I wanted to say out loud. I’m very glad I did, though.

    • Jennifer Kirkpatrick

      So you approached your husband about this? I’m assuming that you are the more adventurous one in the relationship? If I’m heading in the right direction… was it something super taboo? I can’t get my husband to even engage in anything besides the regular sex… Nothing I can do about that.

      • Christine Wiggin

        Yes, he reacted much better than expected. It actually really helped our relationship overall (and definitely helped our sex life!!) I think it’s always better to be honest and communicate.

  9. Audrey Bailey

    I do like the idea of getting comfortable speaking out loud with your partner about these things.

  10. Eleanor Guerrero

    I think it’s time to make my fantasies a reality.

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