The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies - URBANETTE: Lifestyle Magazine & Blog


The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Everything you ever needed to know about your own fantasies, and how to convey them.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Tell him while you’re getting down and dirty

How Much Sharing Is Too Much?

When it comes to fantasies, should you tell your partner everything? That’s up to you, but it can be a good idea to keep some things to yourself. If you’ve been fantasizing about the new neighbor or your partner’s best friend, you might not want to share that information—it’s a little too close to home and could hurt your partner or breed jealousy and suspicion. Having a nameless, faceless fantasy is one thing, but lusting after an attainable person is a whole other ballgame. Likewise, if some of your fantasies err on the dark side, use your judgment to determine whether it’s worth totally freaking your partner out.

Some couples have very open lines of communication and share every last detail—more power to you if that’s the case and you’re both happy with it. But keeping some information to yourself is probably the way to go for most relationships—it’s not dishonesty, but rather maintaining a little privacy and mystery.


Acting Out Your Fantasies

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Want to be tied up and masturbated?

You’ve shared your wildest fantasy with your partner, and he’s willing to give it a whirl. So…now what? To ensure a positive experience for both of you, agree on the boundaries you’re both comfortable with before you get started. If you’d like to try a little rough play, find out how far each of you is willing to take it. While some gentle spanking might be fine, biting could be off-limits.

If you’re treading into role-playing territory, you might also want to choose a “safe word.” This is a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex, such as “elephant,” which indicates to your partner that you want them to stop what they’re doing. “No” and “stop” are bad safe words, as your “character” might say them as part of role-playing without really meaning them—as in, “No, Mr. Officer, I am not wearing any underwear.” You can also use words like “green” to mean “OK” or “harder,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop that action,” and “red” to mean “stop the scene.”

For any non-role-playing fantasies, open communication throughout is your best bet. Ask your partner how he’s feeling, if he’s enjoying it, and if he’d like you to do anything differently. Once you’ve ensured he’s having a good time, relax and enjoy the ride. After it’s all said and done, debrief together. Ask your partner what he liked and didn’t like, and tell him how you felt too. Hopefully it was a fun, exciting experience for both of you and you’ve expanded your sexual repertoire. If it was less than stellar for either one of you, decide whether you’re both willing to try it again in the future or whether it’s one for the history books.


Doll photos by Jamie Peters

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Sabrina is the author of 'A Fantastic Sex Life… And How to Get It!' Her work has been published in numerous print magazines and websites, including Women’s Fitness, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health,, Good Health, Australian Women’s Weekly, body+soul, Runner’s World, Kidspot, ninemsn Health & Wellbeing, FHM (monthly “Ask Sabrina” column), MAXIM, Ralph, Eat Fit and ZOO Weekly.

Reader Discussion: 86 Comments

  1. Eleanor Honea

    I once dated a guy who seemed pretty straight edge in bed. Our sex consisted of doggy style, missionary, and cowgirl, but I needed something more. I wanted him to choke me during sex. Auto-erotic asphyxiation had always turned me on but I felt embarrassed bringing it up. I didn’t want him to think I was super weird or feel turned off. My sexual fantasies felt like a vulnerability, a deep dark secret I didn’t want to share with anyone. But once I was able to articulate to him exactly what I wanted, I felt more sexually empowered and our communication felt stronger than ever. It also turned out that he had always wanted to try it too.

  2. Jennifer Baker

    What if you had a fantasy, you tried it, it did not go well, and now you have no more fantasies?

  3. Josh

    I’ve spent a vast majority of my adult life always, always, always being honest yet delicate when trying to gauge a partner on some of my kinks, and it always ended badly because the women I was intimate with were just not into it, even though some of them tried. And my kinks aren’t even all that weird (light BDSM, panty/lingerie fetish, cosplay, group sex). And then recently I met someone who is completely interested in what cranks my shaft, so to speak, and at 38 years old, I finally feel alive … and I don’t know if that’s pathetic or adorable. I’ll have to ask her.

    • Jean Perry

      Ew. Just ew.

    • Martha Gilmore

      Josh — “not that weird”?? Really?? No offense, but I’m guessing that’s super weird for 90% of people.

  4. Evangeline Cruz

    “Be sure you want to do them.” Some fantasies play out way better in your head than in real life. And some are every bit as awesome as you imagine, too. But there are some fantasies that just do not live up to what one might imagine.

  5. Martha Gilmore

    Married couples should share their fantasies or their desires. There is nothing wrong with it. If you share, you’ll find out your spouse’s delight or disdain. Otherwise, you’ll never know! Will it affect the relationship? Maybe. But that is exactly the point of being together in marriage. Unless we choose to live with lies, the relationship should be even stronger. Share your sexual fantasies.. find out now or never… not even on your death bed!

    • Kimberly Washington

      You’re right about that. The mind fuck is better than the actual fuck. Some fantasies take a lot of preparation and then they turn out right and it ruins the whole thing. Sometimes it’s hotter to just talk about it or watch someone else do it.

      • Martha Gilmore

        I agree, but I don’t like porn. It grosses me out!

  6. Janet Day

    I love these articles that boil down to “be a fucking adult”.

  7. Agnes Hoots

    I recently shared my fantasies with my husband and I was careful in my word choices and how I said things. I didn’t want to say anything that was going to make him go on the defensive or feel inadequate. I spoke about what I was feeling and wanted to explore, making it not about us but about me. I also asked him questions about things he may not have shared that he’d be interested in.

  8. Christine Wiggin

    I recently had a very stressful and uncomfortable conversation with my husband about this very topic. I was agitated for weeks leading up to it because I felt very uncomfortable saying what I wanted to say out loud. I’m very glad I did, though.

    • Jennifer Kirkpatrick

      So you approached your husband about this? I’m assuming that you are the more adventurous one in the relationship? If I’m heading in the right direction… was it something super taboo? I can’t get my husband to even engage in anything besides the regular sex… Nothing I can do about that.

      • Christine Wiggin

        Yes, he reacted much better than expected. It actually really helped our relationship overall (and definitely helped our sex life!!) I think it’s always better to be honest and communicate.

  9. Audrey Bailey

    I do like the idea of getting comfortable speaking out loud with your partner about these things.

  10. Eleanor Guerrero

    I think it’s time to make my fantasies a reality.

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