Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love - URBANETTE: Lifestyle Magazine & Blog


Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

It’s cliché but true: you have to love you before you can expect to love another person.


One of my close friends from college once told me that the most appealing thing to him is when he sees a girl out by herself–just having a coffee, reading or working–and having a great time. He explained that it’s a huge turn-on if she’s comfortable enough with herself to be alone and enjoy it.

As an introvert, he may have been a little biased, but I think he makes a great point. For one thing, if we already love and appreciate ourselves, if our partners do not have to constantly build us up, then there is time and space for other things in the relationship. For another, the love you have for yourself is a pretty strong indicator of your ability to love other people.

Become your own best advocate. It will make you feel amazing, and it will show potential partners that you value yourself enough to do it.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

It’s cliché but true: you have to love you before you can expect to love another person. Like, really, really love another person. No matter how wonderful and doting your partner is, ultimately that person is going to do something you really wish they hadn’t. When that happens, you’re going to be faced with the realization that you’re dealing with a human being–a human being that is just as flawed as your family, your friends, the people you love as much as the people you hate, and you yourself.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All LoveThe way in which you deal with these “shortcomings” will largely be defined by how you deal with your own shortcomings. If you are loving and accepting of yourself in spite of your flaws, you are likely to react with that same love and acceptance towards others. However, if you are disdainful and unforgiving towards yourself, expecting perfection at every turn, then guess what? That’s exactly how you’re going to treat your partner.

If you want to find love, you need to find a way to love you. Your version of self-love doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. You might want to practice yoga, or take the time each day to read a novel, or treat yourself to a bubble bath. Don’t be afraid to indulge or be a little silly. This is about becoming the best, most secure and vibrant you. So play. Try something new. It doesn’t matter what you do so long as it makes you feel cared for, worthy and in control of your own destiny because you absolutely are! Become your own best advocate. It will make you feel amazing, and it will show potential partners that you value yourself enough to do it.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

By the way, the point is not to get a boyfriend. If you do loving things for yourself hoping that this will attract a man who will then take over, don’t kid yourself. Self-love, like many popular versions of romantic love, is a lifelong commitment. If you’re only doing it to attract a guy, it’s not going to work. The idea that prince (or princess), charming is going to save you or transform your life in some grand way is not only unrealistic. I’d argue that it’s overrated. Romantic love can certainly be wonderful, magical, and perhaps even transforming, but it works best when both partners have a sturdy foundation to build on. This is not the picture of love that the media or the entertainment industry would like us to have, but it is a picture grounded in reality.

Practicing self-love is its own reward. Remember that this time, before marriage or children or even a serious relationship, is one of the few periods in your life when you are able to indulge, spend time alone, and take care of yourself to the extent that you’re able to right now. It won’t be this way forever. Cherish it.

How do you practice self-love? Share your stories with us below!

Raised in California and North Carolina, Jen is both an actress and a writer. She loves writing fiction, especially for young adults, and exercising her non-fiction muscles through Urbanette and her chocolate blog: Chocofiles. Jen also loves adventures, yoga, live music and spontaneous dance parties.

Reader Discussion: 22 Comments

  1. Every morning when you wake up, face the mirror and say these words to your self. “Haters gonna hate, I do me better than they do themselves. Word won’t hurt me if it hurts I’ll just break their jaws so it would hurt them to”

  2. Rosemary Robles

    Perfect timing. A really brave call you made here. This deeply resonates with me, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Sometimes life can be so confusing, and it’s nice to read words that cut right through to the soul and address the truth like this one. Thank you. 🙂 🙂

  3. Heather Strobel

    This is exactly what I needed to hear. Reading this meant so much to me. In fact, I will read it everyday this week and beyond until I own it. I think this article does a great job of clarifying an area that has had people very confused. Thanks for encouraging us to let ourselves off the hook, gently listen to our own wisdom and love ourselves.

  4. Kimberly Vigil

    I agree wholeheartedly with what you’re saying. Thanks so much for pointing this out. This is a food for my soul and I am going to be digesting it for the next several days. You showed me that no matter what I seek to do in the world I must first and foremost, take care and love myself. Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing! 🙂

  5. Lela House

    Thank you so much for these great words. I think you did an exceptional job with this post. It was so thorough. I am deeply touched. These words reminds me of the fact that we enter a time of more consciousness and awareness of ourselves.

  6. Grace Stirling

    Hands down, one of the most helpful posts I’ve read. The timing of me reading this couldn’t be better. You have spoken to my soul and all the layers of me exactly what I desperately need to embrace this year. You have opened my heart and articulated my deep human purpose so beautifully in your article. Thank you so much for writing a lovely article.

  7. Helen Dark

    These are powerful thoughts as I work on me and my hunger for wholeness. Makes so much sense. This is exactly what I have been dealing with myself. Before I can offer love or thoughts to others, I have to be rooted in me, finding and feeding my true voice.
    Thank you for honoring us with your brilliance.


  8. Louise Stone

    This post gave me a fresh perspective, Awesome. Absolutely gorgeous writing and thought are in this post. You’re words are so lovely and reach deep in my heart. You’ve opened a new door in my path to love myself even more. Thank you for affirming that we are important.

  9. Hazel Collins

    I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this topic. It came at the right time and answers so many questions for me. I even felt more relaxed just by reading your article. Thanks Jennifer. This one will be read, again and again.

  10. Elsie Spurlock

    A beautiful post, thanks for sharing. I agree with you on every level. Love is the way. If we love ourselves, we have more love to give and share and the world becomes a stronger place for it. Thank you again for the reminder of this perspective. 🙂

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