Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love - URBANETTE: Lifestyle Magazine & Blog


Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

It’s cheesy but true: you have to love you before you can expect to love another person.


One of my close friends from college once told me that the most appealing thing to him is when he sees a girl out by herself–just having a coffee, reading or working–and having a great time. He explained that it’s a huge turn-on if she’s comfortable enough with herself to be alone and enjoy it.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

As an introvert, he may have been a little biased, but I think he makes a great point. For one thing, if we already love and appreciate ourselves then we won’t feel the need to constantly agonize over whether others are validating us, which makes for much easier, healthier, and less stressful relationships. Heck, it makes for an easier life in general! Not to mention, self-love has a way of shining through and attracting the right people to you. And the love you have for yourself is a pretty strong indicator of your ability to love other people.

Become your own best advocate. It will make you feel amazing, and it will show potential partners that you value yourself enough to do it.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

It’s cliché but true: you have to love you before you can expect to love another person. Like, really, really love another person. No matter how wonderful and doting your partner is, ultimately that person is going to do something you really wish they hadn’t. When that happens, you’re going to be faced with the realization that you’re dealing with a human being–a human being that is just as flawed as your family, your friends, the people you love as much as the people you hate, and you yourself.

The way in which you deal with these “shortcomings” will largely be defined by how you deal with your own shortcomings. If you are loving and accepting of yourself in spite of your flaws, you are likely to react with that same love and acceptance towards others. However, if you are disdainful and unforgiving towards yourself, expecting perfection at every turn, then guess what? That’s exactly how you’re going to treat your partner.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

If you want to find love, you need to find a way to love you. Your version of self-love doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. You might want to practice yoga and meditation, or take the time each day to read a novel, or treat yourself to a bubble bath. Don’t be afraid to indulge or be a little silly. This is about becoming the best, most secure and vibrant you. So play. Try something new. It doesn’t matter what you do so long as it makes you feel cared for, worthy and in control of your own destiny because you absolutely are! Become your own best advocate. It will make you feel amazing, and it will show potential partners that you value yourself enough to do it.

By the way, the point is not to get a boyfriend. If you do loving things for yourself hoping that this will attract a man who will then take over, don’t kid yourself. Self-love, like many popular versions of romantic love, is a lifelong commitment. If you’re only doing it to attract a guy, it’s not going to work. The idea that prince (or princess), charming is going to save you or transform your life in some grand way is not only unrealistic. I’d argue that it’s overrated. Romantic love can certainly be wonderful, magical, and perhaps even transforming, but it works best when both partners have a sturdy foundation to build on. This is not the picture of love that the media or the entertainment industry would like us to have, but it is a picture grounded in reality.

Why Self-Love is the Way to All Love

Practicing self-love is its own reward. Remember that this time, before marriage or children or even a serious relationship, is one of the few periods in your life when you are able to indulge, spend time alone, and take care of yourself to the extent that you’re able to right now. It won’t be this way forever. Cherish it.

How do you practice self-love? Share your stories with us below!

Raised in California and North Carolina, Jen is both an actress and a writer. She loves writing fiction, especially for young adults, and exercising her non-fiction muscles through Urbanette and her chocolate blog: Chocofiles. Jen also loves adventures, yoga, live music and spontaneous dance parties.

Reader Discussion: 91 Comments

  1. Jamie Stenberg

    If you are not happy then someone else can’t make you happy.

  2. April Swihart

    I’ve learned this the hard way. I’m 21 years old but I felt like it took me a while to finally love myself. When I was so insecure and sad I attracted that type of energy from a guy. But once I started loving myself and working on becoming a better human being overall, I started to feel really happy being alone. I don’t go looking for that happiness in someone else when I’m the one who’s capable of my own. Believe me, ladies and gentleman, it’ll never work if you never love yourself first.

  3. Johanna Burch

    So true. The key is to love yourself. And only then you will find the right person for you.

  4. Claudia Strayhorn

    Love yourself and understand who you are as a person before being apart of someone else’s life. I believe that the best way of understanding the meaning and values of love is by discovering yourself first as well as your flaws. Sometimes even true happiness comes from inside if you allow it of course. But, this was very powerful and gave me a good insight into what approach take to find happiness before finding that right person to share it with. Keep up the good work.

  5. Lola Trout

    I wanna let everyone who’s reading this know that this is 100% true, last year I was going through a lot mentally, felt sad and anxious a lot, always felt that “need” to be in a relationship, but ever since I changed my focus on improving myself first, everything else in my life just flowed easily. When you love yourself, you start to love others too, you accept people with their flaws, and you start to understand others’ situations more. If you don’t love yourself and end up getting into a relationship, your insecurities may be what ends up hurting the relationship.

  6. Brittany Gowins

    The truth! You have to love yourself before you love other people. If you don’t love yourself, why should other people love you?

  7. Kristi Hallmark

    I love my self so I proposed today…I said yes.

  8. Scarlett Leventhal

    See, it’s easy to say “love yourself”. Everybody intuitively knows that is the way to go but the problem is that nobody seems to able to offer a good explanation on how to actually do it.

  9. Sabrina Stenberg

    When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own

  10. Sofia Barton

    I think the moral of this is, you should love yourself in order to learn how to love unconditionally another person. We put too much responsibility onto others to fulfill our love or make us happy. You have to be happy with yourself in order to be happy and love someone else.

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