Is Your Costume TOO Sexy??
Before you put on your sexy bunny costume, here’s why you might be completely missing the mark…
Every post-pubescent girl has dressed as a “sexy” something at least once on Halloween. Maybe you were a “sexy” tampon, “sexy” highlighter or a stack of “sexy” pancakes—yes, the costume industry has been getting really -ahem- creative.
Before you put on your sexy bunny costume, check out these five semi-serious reasons why your sexy outfit might be completely missing the mark:
- Freezing isn’t sexy. It’s almost November and last time I checked, shivering was not sexy. Those freakishly intense goosebumps you have all over your thighs feel majorly distracting. People would be complimenting your creative, “sexy” Pope costume if they weren’t suggesting that you WebMD your wild goose bumps. Let’s say you did bring your giant coat just in case. You thought you were being super smart, didn’t you? Well, you didn’t even end up wearing it! You were too desperate to show off your super sexy costume, so you ended up holding your giant coat all night, which turned out to be a huge burden.
- Complaining isn’t sexy. Obviously, you were complaining about how cold you were or how annoying it was to hold your jacket you should’ve been wearing. You were mad that your opaque tights weren’t keeping you warm. Yea, those stupid tights—it’s definitely not your fault that you wore assless chaps and a leather bikini top in 40-degree weather to be a sexy apocalyptic hooker.
- Sleaze-balls aren’t sexy. The kind of guys you’re attracting with your “sexy” whatever-the-hell costume are creeps –not the cute guy you had your eye on. Do you want a creep staring and hanging around you all night? Think that cute, non-creepy guy from before might have wanted to approach you? Well, too bad because there is a sleazy guy blocking you while the guy you really wanted is wandering off.
- Discomfort isn’t sexy. That tight corset that your friends thought looked super hot is slowly becoming one with your skin. You can’t wait to get home so you can rip it off and jump into sweatpants. Thing is, if you’re uncomfortable, people can tell. It completely affects your confidence and there is no point in wearing that “sexy” homeless person costume if you can’t exert the confidence to wear it. You’ll just look grumpy. Being comfortable in your skin is what’s attractive—not the lack of clothing on it.
- Being “sexy” for Halloween implies you’re not really sexy the other 364 days of the year. Sexy isn’t a costume! Halloween is about dressing up as something that you’re not. Sexy is being smart, intellectual, funny, confident, and interesting. Anyone can throw on the same amount of clothing that a 1yr old wears. What you see lined up in the women’s section of a costume store isn’t sexy, it’s desperate.
Whatever you do this Halloween, dress for yourself. Don’t be some ordinary stereotypical costume because you’re seeking attention or because your friends pushed you into it.
I know the truth—I know you’re freezing in that costume and it feels like razor blades are being jammed into your ribs. And to prove it, here’s a collection of my most ridiculous Halloween costumes (I WISH I READ THIS ARTICLE 10 YEARS AGO!):
Return that $50 costume that is too small to deserve a hanger, and put on something you really want to wear. Your sexiness will still be intact, I swear.