Relationships

What Kind of Soulmate Should You Be Looking For?

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The last time I went out with a friend, we spent most of the night commiserating about our love lives (or, rather, the lack thereof), and the rest complaining about our mutual friend who’d all but gone MIA after meeting her latest “might be the one” boyfriend. We’d tried going to a party, but found that we’d rather spend it sitting together than socializing with other people.

What Kind of Soulmate Should You Be Looking For?

The search for love is everywhere. In our books, movies, TV shows, and in the way we talk to each other. It’s clear that romance is on our collective minds. Many of us prioritize finding love over pretty much every other aspect of our lives. Everyone searching for their soulmate wants to find that special someone so they can skip ahead to their ‘Happily Ever After’.

But why do we limit that to romance? Love, trust, great memories—they don’t have to be restricted to the sphere of romantic relationships. In this culture-split between hookups and finding love, we’ve forgotten about our friends. And yet close friendships are absolutely integral to our happiness. As we search for our soulmate, we should also be on the lookout for our friend soulmates.

The ones who can make you laugh at anything and talk you out of crying. The ones who make a supportive comment right when you expect them to take the mickey out of you. The ones who solve your life crises. The ones who know you, who have seen all your flaws and love you for them. I know it sounds nauseatingly cheesy, but are they not your soulmates too?

I met my closest friends in high school and college, and to say they’ve made my life blessed is the understatement of the year. Somewhere between the sleepovers, the excess mango-passion-fruit smoothies, and our unending enthusiasm for the same movies and books, they became my best friends and I love them more than anyone.

We’ve become so distracted by the complications of romance love that we’ve forgotten about the beauty of platonic love.

But the value of friendships is often undermined. We’ve become so distracted by our focus on romance that we’ve forgotten about the beauty of platonic love. We say things like “we’re just friends,” as though friendship was somehow a lesser form of relating to another human being. The last time I broke up with a boyfriend, the first comforting phrase I got was, “At least you have your friends.” But there’s nothing at least about my friends. They are the most beautiful parts of my life.

What Kind of Soulmate Should You Be Looking For?

My close friends and I fulfill each other in ways that I’m learning to acknowledge and appreciate. I now tell my friends that I love them, and I let them know just how much I appreciate them. We bring out the best in each other and enrich each other’s lives. That’s why focusing on your friendships is just as important as finding romance.

Take the time to talk your friends through hard times, revel in your inside jokes and shared passions, support their dreams, and keep in touch despite any distance. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with the kind of soulmate that transcends romance. It’s not the fairytale ending romantic comedies taught us to aspire to. In many ways, it’s better.

Of course, finding love is valuable and worthwhile. But don’t ever let your friends fall by the wayside because of romance. They’re just as important as your significant other. And, if you treat them right, you just might find that you have a true partner for life.

Born in France but raised all over the place, Auriane has wanted to write ever since she was old enough to spell her name. In her spare time she loves reading, hanging out with her best friends (even when they're not in the same time zone), and spontaneous singing with her Broadway-bound roommate.

43 Comments

  1. Jackie Lewis

    I love this article!!! I literally tell people that my best friend is “the love of my life” and people, especially men, get touchy about it. I never understood why. She is my best friend, has been there for me at every moment, and looking at all my past romantic relationships, I have treasured my friendship with her more than most of them. I think it is so important that we don’t undervalue the friendship between women and how important it can be to people.

  2. Loved this!!! I really feel so much better about being single. As females we sometimes fall into the pressure of society that you must be in a relationship just because that’s what is expected of you, and if your not in a relationship we sometimes feel like we are unattractive and undesired. In my case I really feel like I also intimidate guys for some reason and they are scared to approach me. But I know that perfect guy is waiting for me somewhere and I will happily wait for him. I hope he comes soon though. LOL!!!!!!…

  3. Leslie Williams

    A lot of great and very valid points here! Seriously girls, you don’t need a man by your side to feel validated! Never look for your happiness from someone else, the sooner you realize this… the better all of your future and relationships will be.

  4. Helena Stevens

    This article hits home!! I feel like my life is just beginning. I am about to graduate with my associates. I aiming for a master’s degree. I love being single. I don’t like being controlled. I saw it happen alot growing up and I learned to hate it. Like, if I have to ask you permission to go somewhere, then we’re done. you’re role is to be a partner not a parent. No trust, no love. I hope to find my significant other one day, but until then I enjoy just doing me. My hair is growing, my eyebrow game is getting better, I am loving life right now. 🙂

  5. Irene Morales

    You DON’T need a boyfriend to be happy, I agree. You should be with a guy because you’re in love with them, not because you feel forever alone. I do love my boyfriend, but I’m not dependent on him.

  6. Pamela Sanabria

    Thanks for this… I was just complaining to my friend yesterday how my divorce left me hating all men out there.. and its so sad how bitter and somewhat insecure it made me.. although people see me as an extremly confident person.. the hurt continues..not due to the divorce.. but really due to the horrible relationship I was in.. how blind was I?? Seriously.. 2016 will be my year.. the year where I discover how to love me..because I seriously am on of the most amazing people I know?!! 😉

  7. Winona Miller

    Brilliant post! All I have to say is: You don’t need a boyfriend to feel loved. You don’t need cool clothes to be noticed. You don’t need to impress to feel special. Just remember: you are you and that’s all that matters. ?? 🙂

  8. Sibel Jenkinson

    “Oh, my life is so bountiful, I don’t need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled” – Blair Waldorf ~ Need I say more? 😉

  9. Nancy Musselman

    Great article! Have plenty of friends who need to hear this as I am one of the few who is choosing to focus on herself and life purpose. Happiest I have ever been! 🙂

  10. Roberta Bennett

    Thank you so much for writing this, it came at a very crucial time in my life, such excellent reminders!!! Truly boosted my spirits and helped me get my mind right!!

  11. Lynn Hayes

    I had just told myself that I needed to get a boyfriend. This article reminded me I should continue to live life to the fullest and look forward to the future with great expectation.

  12. Olivia Peterson

    This is an excellent article. I find that many women in my life forget the joy of being single and having the opportunity to explore one’s sense of self and developing true character. I love men, but there is something special about accomplishing goals and pursuing new interests without one.

  13. Nicky Bryan

    I have been single for years and I have struggled only because society feels uncomfortable with me being happy in this state……if I ever meet the right guy I will happily pursue a relationship until then I relish the freedom and joy my single life provides me.

  14. Pearl Nguyen

    Thanks so much for your words, it really helped me, Finding close connections is very important. I really enjoy male company I think I cant live without them haha… but we can always make male friends and they don’t have to be boyfriends. 🙂 Thanks again.

  15. Sydney Nowak

    Soooo true!!! I do not NEED romance. What I need is a cup of coffee, chit-chat with close friends who understand, and my family who love me unconditionally, so not a boyfriend. I haven’t had a relationship in over a year because I’m too busy taking care of myself. Romance will come when it’s supposed to. 🙂

  16. Great read! – Not trying to start an argument but for me having boyfriend is useless! Making life complicated like he is setting barrier between my career ambitions and him. Well I chose my ambitions and I don’t care if I’m bragging or what. I just want security for my life and I’m a certified Independent Woman!

  17. Ingrid Winston

    Thank you for writing this!!! I cannot find subjects like this anywhere! I ended a relationship almost a year ago with my first boyfriend and I absolutely hated it! It didn’t start out that way, he was nice, but after two months he refused to listen to me when I disliked being touched constantly, texted, eating what he wants me to eat and even sleeping next to him! I am happy to be with just me! Friends, family or pets are not like that! They don’t control you. They just love you for you and they show it the best ways they can. Ever since I realised that I didn’t need a boyfriend to feel loved, I have my own life. 🙂

  18. Kimberly Thompson

    Yup… Thanks for this great article. I agree with every single word!!! I don’t need a boyfriend! I’ve had 4 in my life. I ‘ve had my share. They were controlling and ran my life.

  19. Sarah Evanston

    Life can truly be a challenge, and without friends it’s a very lonely path indeed.

    I don’t allow boyfriend dictate when to meet friends. Well, I negotiate with him. I may have absences in my friends’ night outs but I make sure not to be absent for two consecutive get together.

  20. Daisy Clarke

    What an amazing piece! It was like reading an article from my inner voice!!! I would love to see more articles about this here on Urbanette!

  21. Andrea Mitchell

    Thanks for sharing this awesome article. While reading, it gave me a real sense of unconditional love and so purely described. Hoping more stuff like this. Love it 🙂

  22. Ariana Rhyder

    Thanks again for writing such a good post. It made me see some things I’ve been subconsciously. You made my day! I’ve bookmarked your blog & I’ll be back for more! 🙂

  23. Love isn’t greater than friendship. But people in (romantic) love can be the best friends too. I’ve been really good friends with people and the relationship was fabulous. And there have been relationships which didn’t survive because we weren’t good friends…

  24. I would say then that romantic love is bigger than friendship, because I’m such a romantic! Life is pretty boring without friends, but it is detrimental to your sanity to not have any because emotionally, we need to love.

  25. My stand is that it’s good if you and your boyfriend have joint friends that you and him socialize with, but it’s definitely important that you (and him) maintain own set of friends.

    I love your article! You just noted that “balance” in life is important!

  26. I completely agree! Love in unconditional acceptance of another, and that is something that can be given to anyone. You simply accept the person as they are. It’s the same thing wherever you go and whoever is the object of love. Even better than romance. 🙂

  27. Love is love. Its one big thing all around us, surrounding us in our everyday lives. We all love, and we all love each other differently depending on the different people we mean to love. It’s still all one big category, Love. Its all around us and the only thing that separates the defintion of love is how we mean to use it and how we feel about different people in our lives.

  28. Some people conceive of that dynamic as a primarily psychoemotional one, others an inherently applied psychosocial one, and innumerable positions in between or in combination, but the point is that it is a paradigm for interacting, in whatever context. “Friendship”, on the other hand, is a specific subgrouping of relationships whose traits are not limited to dynamics. Just as much speculation and debate abounds regarding the terminological uses of “friendship” and “friend”, and most speak in part to the dynamics involved.

  29. It is interesting that in English, we have one word, love where the ancient Greeks had many, such as agape, eros, and philos, to name only the more common examples. Our language permits us to have friends we do not love and lovers we do not consider friends, and that is again, only one way of many in which we set these words in distinguishing apposition to each other. Furthermore, we also have such words as allies and lust which describe situations that have nothing really to do with either love or friendship, and yet inform our understanding of both. For me the most useful definition of love I have ever heard is “delight in the well being of another.” I do not pretend this to be a perfect definition, but I do find myself using this definition more than any other definition or characterization. By this definition, I love many, including many I have never met.

  30. I can’t imagine how terrible it is if friends are exchanged or forgotten over boyfriend. Many romantic relationships don’t last and if you break up, you would want friends to console and be with you. So yeah, it’s important to keep relationship with friends alive!

  31. Gwen Keaton

    I agree, you don’t need a boyfriend to feel complete but it does add an layer of happiness when you have someone to hold at night and share special moments with. 🙂

  32. Relationships may or may not involve love, love may or may not involve a relationship. While there are many different opinions or experiences about what defines “love”, or how many “types” of love there might be, it is fundamentally regarded as a dynamic.

  33. Though both love and friendship will still remain to be confusing terms for generations to come, both are much cherished emotions and relationships that cause a delight in a person’s life when present.

  34. Friendship is another beautiful abstract that is a willful development. It is like devotion or the will to worl hard or the thirst for apple juice. Some may crave for it, enjoy it, respect it and achieve it. While others may not even find it in their skins.

  35. Jane Iris

    I disagree on some points. I have had a boyfriend… my first boyfriend (at age 28) and I can honestly say i never lost any of my friends. I make sure to treat them with same amount of love and time, if not more, than my boyfriend. I refuse to lose them because I experienced losing a best friend (because she neglected me) *sigh*

    I’m not a pessimist but I think taking care of your “TRUE” friends will mean you have someone to turn to and cry on when romantic relationships don’t turn out the way you want it to be.

  36. I do not understand at all why people compare things that are worlds apart, although they co exist. The differentiation in love and friendship is like a comparison to distinguish a bull from the abstract wisdom. Love and friendship are two distinct forms of abstract relationships.

  37. Oh well, I agree and disagree. I agree that it’s important to talk your friends though hard / tough times. But I disagree (at least based on my experience) that I undermine the value of friendship because I’ve found my significant other.

    I don’t and will never forget friends because I’m in a romantic relationship simply because I’ve known them a long time, they’ve been around THAT LONG that they don’t deserve to be pushed away just because I’ve got my boyfriend…

  38. Love and friendship is often regarded as two separate entities.But are they really that different? Love is defined as having a great affection or liking for someone and isn’t that what friendship is supposed to be? Atleast it should if one removes the adjective ‘great’. You don’t befriend some random person without some liking, do you?. By the way, I don’t consider befriending as what people do in online chat rooms. I mean BEFRIENDING in real life. I hope you got what I was trying to say. I fear I lost my point lol

  39. Thank you. The most brilliant, spot on account of love. I’ve been through it myself and understand now in retrospect what I thought I knew. An enlightened mature love takes an enlightened and open mind. You think this has always been the condition of people in society throughout history? The “how to” and “the way you should” versus the maverick way of figuring it out by instinct and clear mind?

  40. Love isn’t and shouldn’t be limited to romance. We experience love for our family, for animals, for nature, for friends, for art, love for ourselves… ????❤️ It isn’t hard to “find love.” Those who are looking may just be looking in the wrong places. Start your search within you ?

  41. Nowadays, it seems like relationships are narrowed down to romance or nothing. And no, I’m not attacking anyone; I just wanted to speak out my opinion.

  42. Nothing’s wrong with romance…but sometimes, it can go too far. Trust me, I’ve seen some people going crazy looking for “the one”. It seems like friendship and familial love has died among fandoms of lust and romance.

  43. Love this article! I must admit that I used to feel bad when girlfriend(s) are missing in action when in romantic relationships. But when I experienced being in a romantic relationship, I can’t help but tell myself, “ah… now I know.” I mean it’s hard to juggle my time and yeah, I’ve gone MIA as well…

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