If you’re in the dating game right now you’ve landed at one of the worst times in history to get involved. The world has turned. No more stolen glances across coffee shops. Or sitting a little closer than is proper in a public library. Romance is done. We want our dating fast, we want it simple and we want it before our Uber arrives.
The problem with the glut of apps that now influence our dating behaviour is they make everyone disposable. Crooked smile? Swipe left. Hint of a belly? Swipe left. We scrutinize potential love interests as purchases, cold and calculating. The outcome? Quick fire decision making is flooding into the date itself and killing our relationships before they begin.
Maybe we all need to hit slow-mo on our dating behaviour. Take a breath and give someone more than one chance to steal our hearts. Two dates may be the key to overcoming the sweaty palms and bad jokes of the first.
Still not convinced? Here are three great reasons to invest in more second dates:
1) FAMILIARITY BREEDS AFFECTION
Ok, so remember way back before we controlled our love lives on our phones? Where did we all go to meet a potential mate? WORK! Work was the key. You sat next to some guy in an awful office and he started off annoying as hell. Then slowly, slowly those things that drove you crazy became cute. That bad habits turned adorable. And hey presto, you’re kissing at the Christmas party and skipping into the sunset.
Perhaps life didn’t always work out like that and perhaps two dates isn’t enough to turn a frog into a prince, but it gives him a fighting chance. It also lets you both take a breath and evaluate the other in the best possible way.
2) ENVIRONMENT MATTERS
Sometimes the setting alone will determine the date’s success. If you’re in an empty restaurant listening to your cutlery squeak you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a shoddy time. In a buzzing bar where it feels like the world is having fun? Much more likely to equal a successful date. Plus, it becomes even more complicated when you add in people’s comfort zones and preferences.
If you want to know if you really like a guy it makes sense to see him against different backdrops and determine if you really are a good match.
3) NERVES CHANGE PEOPLE
Ever go to a job interview and be completely yourself? No, of course not. Dating can be job interview nerves squared. If you are feeling sweaty palmed and struggling for witty conversation, it’s likely he is too. Nerves can make us someone else.
That’s why it can be worth a couple of dates to allow that knotty feeling to disappear and discover the person underneath. Sometimes a little time can transform an awkward or over confident guy into a genuinely great one.
…BUT… a second date won’t always be the answer to our dating dilemmas.
For the creepy, the aggressive or the dates that just give you a gut no it’s always right to walk away. But perhaps investing a little more time in the maybes might uncover a few surprises.
These days lots of first dates are happening that go nowhere. I think this is partly due to the nature of internet dating. I don’t know anything about Tinder but the thing about internet dating in general is that it makes people more picky and less compromising than they would otherwise be if they had met someone through friends or some other real life medium.
I think there is a lot of truth in that Callie, internet dating becomes more internet shopping!
I’ve refused second dates a lot in the past. I’ve almost ignored whether I really like the other person and have straight away been asking myself whether I am attractive, do they like/want me. It’s completely the wrong approach for a number of reasons. I’d suggest that going into the dates just hoping for and trying to make a nice evening with someone should be the goal. Then think about how you feel about the person later on in the evening. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go anywhere or if they don’t want to continue with things. ?
I’ve refused second dates a lot in the past. I’ve almost ignored whether I really like the other person and have straight away been asking myself whether I am attractive, do they like/want me. It’s completely the wrong approach for a number of reasons. I’d suggest that going into the dates just hoping for and trying to make a nice evening with someone should be the goal. Then think about how you feel about the person later on in the evening. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go anywhere or if they don’t want to continue with things. 🙂
The amount of people you meet in a lifetime that you would consider as an actual partner, regardless of whether they are interested in you (which is even more unlikely) is frighteningly small. It’s normal that you don’t hit it off on a blind date, always give it a second chance!
Very true! If you like your date, try offering your number. It may be a bit out of your comfort zone to do that, but from experience I know that sometimes men aren’t sure if there have been enough positive signals coming their way so don’t quite manage to ask for it. Nothing ventured….
Good Advice Kylie, I think it can be hard to get a read especially when first dates are very brief. Offering your number is just a friendly way of leaving the door open.
Nice one! According to Match.com survey which I read, 59 percent of men and women who participated in the poll said they would go on a second date with someone they had no romantic chemistry with on the first date.
Well, I personally think that chemistry IS important in moving forward but it DOESN’T NEED to happen on the first date, as long as you don’t have that “negative” feeling about the person, it’s always worth it to go on and have your second date.
I agree. If you genuinely enjoyed the other person’s company and find yourself yearning to spend time with them as a friend, give them a second date. All you’ve got to lose is a couple of hours of your time to the company of someone delightful.
In my opinion, for a relationship to succeed, there needs to be positive chemistry. The two need to feel drawn to touch, be closer to and eventually intimate with one another. That is one of the glues of a relationship. Otherwise you are just platonic, right?
I didn’t feel chemistry on the first date with a man I went on to have incredible chemistry with, it struck during the second date. You don’t know til you kiss them!
I agree – A kiss can change everything! I don’t think you get a true sense of the chemistry unless there has been some lip action…
I have had several “one and done” dates, I just don’t feel like wasting time. But I’m definitely not closing my doors to a possibility of second dates.
Thanks Patricia there are definitely those definite ‘NO’s’ out there! Sometimes the maybe’s turn into keepers though 🙂
I’m with you, Pat! I don’t like wasting time too. I mean if at first date, I didn’t find connection or chemistry between us, then that’s it. Harsh?! Mmmmm… Just being true to myself and my date.