Now before you freak out and think I’m a grumpy old lady with outdated values who lives without internet– hear me out. I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum– guys who shoot me the booty text at 3am and guys who refuse, and I mean refuse, to let me pay for dinner. I found both situations annoying.
In today’s hook-up lifestyle, both genders are struggling to declare what they want from the opposite sex. For the progressive woman, it can be hard to reconcile your independent spirit with your desire to be treated well. So what do you do? Do you ditch chivalry completely and scream feminist theories into the ear of every poor guy who opens the door for you?
If you’re only interested in having recreational sex for the rest of your life, then go ahead, scare men away by telling them that you’re a modern woman who is quite capable of opening your own door — thank you very much. If you don’t want that— if you want to find a meaningful relationship with a guy who appreciates you for more than your skills in bed— there is an alternative. Chivalry and equality can work together…
Here’s how to get him to step up his game:
Pay for both (veggie) burgers
You’re a working lass who isn’t looking for a sugar daddy, so of course you can pay for your own meal. It’ll be a moment of pride for you to slam down your credit card and tell the waiter to “Please split the bill.” Your date will object saying, “No– please, I got it.” And you will give him a menacing death stare before you turn back to the waiter and say curtly, “Split. The bill.”
The message you’re sending to your date in this situation is one that says more about you than your financial stability. He’ll think you’re the type of person who doesn’t appreciate kind gestures. He is, after all, trying to show you he had a good time conversing with you over burgers. Nine times out of ten, the guy doesn’t think you’re a charity case.
I don’t know about you, but for me, kind gestures from anyone are always welcome. So let your date pay the bill and don’t forget to thank him afterward (and don’t forget to wipe burger off your face).
Here’s where your chivalry comes in: YOU pay on the next date. (Twist!) That’s right, not only for your meal, but his as well. It’s your turn to display a kind gesture. Now is the time to proudly slam down your credit card and tell the waiter “It’s on me.”
Splitting the check doesn’t work well because it implies that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. The taking-turns-paying system works better because it implies that what’s mine is ours.
Help him because (contrary to his belief) he does not have super-strength
We’ve all been with that guy who insists on holding our handbags. If you didn’t let him, good. Keep doing that. Unless it becomes fashionable to have a handbag the size of a suitcase (gargantuan scarves indicate that fashion could be headed this direction), then you should never, ever let a guy hold your bag. It’s a kind gesture, but it’s 1) way over the top and ridiculous, and 2) women can’t carry men’s handbags because men don’t carry handbags. (We could, I guess, hold a guy’s wallet. It’d be the same amount of trouble.)
The bottom line: Carry your own damn handbag. The only excuse for not doing so is if both your wrists are broken. Now, if something is really heavy, don’t be a stubborn fool and refuse to let a guy help you. You can’t push that big flat-screen TV to the center of the living room by yourself? Those groceries full of juices and cans are heavy? Let him help. Note the advice here is to “let him help,” not “let him do it.” This requires you to do some of the work.
If you see him struggling to carry a bunch of boxes up six flights of stairs, take initiative and help him. Even if he says “No, I got it” (and he will for wanting to seem macho), help him anyway. Heavy stuff sucks. No one likes dealing with it, so help one another and then reward yourselves with a couple of cold beers.
Be the wooer
A friend of mine refuses to accept gifts from guys. Whether it’s something a bit cliché like roses or something extravagant like a necklace — she rejects all of it. She doesn’t want to be perceived as “needy,” she says. It’s always been the guy who’s expected to give the girl gifts — never the other way around. (This is comically ironic, because we’re the ones who are supposedly better shoppers.) It’s no wonder that women like my friend are now trying to reverse this image of female docility by shunning gifts altogether. But that sounds like no fun to me. I’m not ashamed to say it: I love getting gifts. (Hell yes, I would have taken that CD.) But I love giving gifts as well.
Graciously accept gifts from guys, but also don’t be afraid to assume the role of gift-giver. Surprise him. Show up at his doorstep with a grungy t-shirt you found at the flea market with his favorite band on the front, or show up with the entire Lord of the Rings series because he’s adorably nerdy and the DVD pack was $5 at a garage sale, or show up with food (they never say no to food).
If you like a guy then be bold and show him. Sweep him off his feet. We live in an age where men and women alike can be both the wooer and the wooee.
Don’t let the door slam in his face
This one seems like common sense to me. It’s not a matter of chivalry, it’s a matter of basic politeness. There’s no need for a guy to run like a maniac to open the door for a woman who’s perfectly capable of opening it herself. Whoever is walking in front, guy or girl, should open the door for the other person and let that person enter first. Common sense, people. No one likes a jerk who doesn’t understand proper door-holding etiquette.
The moment we let chivalry die is the moment we stop caring about ourselves and others. This can be dangerous because it leads to apathy when it comes to finding love. You aren’t betraying your standard of equality if you let a guy care for you. Equality only fails when you don’t care for him in return. There’s nothing wrong with holding high expectations for a knight-in-shining-armor— just don’t forget to also be a knight-in-shining-armor for him in return.
Yes, men could never refuse food. As a token of my appreciation for them, I usually give them small gifts that aren’t worth much but greatly shows affection. Like cookies, pastries or cakes! Especially if they’re a sweet tooth.
Gifts aren’t supposed to be expensive just so they can be appreciated. A box of pizza for my man seems to be more effective than giving him a shirt he wouldn’t even wear.
I nearly thought chivalry was dead when this ass of a guy wanted to date me. His head was so stuck way up his ass that he literally asked me to pay the bill. Sure, I want to be that girl who could afford my own luxuries. But he was a terrible date that I wanted to tell the waiter that he can just go wash the dishes for everything he ate! He talked 99.5% of the time and would interrupt me as soon as I start talking. What the heck was that?!
Geez, what was he thinking about? That’s weird!!
I don’t mind guys paying for the bill the first time they date me. If there’s a next time, then I’ll also insist to pay as an act of respect. If a guy shows too much pride because of paying for the bill, I think he’s gonna get broke easily just by dating me. I love to eat.
Communication is always the key to these kinds of things. Although that’s a little hard when the two of you just started dating or just in the getting to know each other stage.
I personally don’t like receiving gifts from guys who want to court me. I would politely accept just to not make them feel bad, but I’ll also inform them that I don’t really like anything extravagant. Anything as simple as a love note is fine! I feel like I’m being bought when I’m given expensive things and I always tell them that.
My significant other and I don’t always split the bill but we take turns. It’s a great way to show that none of you are living in each other’s paycheck. If by any chance we ate somewhere that’s pricey, that’s where we usually split it.
It’s funny because I’ve had conversations about men carrying women’s handbags with my colleagues before. Some agreed and some didn’t. I like that this article emphasized that it’s okay depending on the reason. As you can see I’m one of those women who are so physically weak and my boyfriend just doesn’t feel okay letting me carry so many things especially when we’re at the mall shopping. There are times that he would carry my sling bag (not exactly handbag) instead of the paper bags because he just thinks it helps more. Although my boyfriend usually tells me when he doesn’t want to carry my bag because it looks too girly, I respect that too. I agree that you can always reciprocate whatever affection is given to you as also a sign of respect towards each other. Great read!
I definitely agree with you! Relationships ARE NOT and SHOULD NOT be one side giving. Come on, we live in a modern world after all…. 🙂
I really like this perspective on balancing chivalry and equality. Great article!! 🙂
I like the idea of a owman showing that she can take care of herself as well treat her man out. It shows that we do things together. I scratch your back and you scrath mine. No relationship should based only one side giving,it should work both ways.