Ne pas paniquer. Contrairement à votre grand-mère au dîner de Noël, nous ne sommes pas là pour enquêter sur votre vie amoureuse avec une douzaine de questions relationnelles intrusives comme celles ci-dessous. Nous sommes là pour vous aider à gérer ces requêtes invasives sans les laisser dégénérer en une conversation longue et frustrante.
Le problème avec les questions relationnelles est que, dans la plupart des cas, il n’y a pas de réponse simple. Ils sont chargés de pression pour que vous agissiez sur le sujet. Aussi intrusives que cela puisse paraître, ces questions sont souvent posées par des amis proches et des membres de la famille animés de bonnes intentions. La chose à garder à l’esprit est que leur idée des « bons » choix pour vous n’est pas nécessairement ce qui vous rendra réellement heureux.
Le dénominateur commun des réponses à ces questions est qu’elles ne donnent généralement pas au demandeur la réponse qu’il souhaite entendre. Pourquoi? Parce qu'ils ont posé la question surtout pour validerleur choix, pas les vôtres. Si vous souhaitez exprimer vos réflexions sur le sujet, très bien. Mais n’oubliez pas que vous ne répondez pas pour confirmer leurs choix. Vous répondez pour affirmer ton les choix.
Voici quelques-unes des questions relationnelles intrusives les plus courantes, ainsi que leurs réponses qui vous sortiront de la sellette :
Question 1:« Quand allez-vous vous fiancer/vous marier ? »
Traduction: Vous êtes ensemble depuis assez longtemps. Tu devrais déjà te marier.
So you’ve been cohabiting with your boyfriend for about years. Things are working out just fine and you’re both enjoying the setup. Then your glib sister comes for a visit and lâche la bombe pose cette question à ton petit ami. En fait, vous y réfléchissez aussi, mais vous attendez qu'il vous propose — de sa propre volonté… Gênant !
Au lieu de pousser un soupir ou un « pas encore de projets » précipité, essayez de répondre à la question par une réplique pleine d’esprit : "Awww, c'est gentil que tu veuilles que nous soyons heureux. Je suis sûr qu'il demandera quand il sera prêt.
Si vous voulez paraître un peu plus sage, vous pouvez expliquer en disant quelque chose comme : « le mariage est une décision Très importante. nous voulons y réfléchir.Non seulement la personne qui pose la question se taira pour réfléchir elle-même à la question, mais elle vous considérera comme une personne sensée.
Question 2: "Quand auras-tu des enfants?"
Traduction: Vous devriez déjà avoir des enfants pour pouvoir devenir une famille « heureuse ».
Que vous et votre mari ne parveniez pas à décider d'avoir des chiens au lieu de bébés ou que vous essayiez vraiment de concevoir, il est frustrant d'être interrogé sur l'absence d'enfant dans votre vie conjugale. La société considère toujours les couples sans enfants comme incomplets. Et pour cette raison, la plupart des gens sont ravis que vous ayez un bébé afin de devenir une « vraie » famille.
Si vous essayez de concevoir, dites "Nous essayons". Si vous envisagez d'avoir des enfants mais pas dans un avenir immédiat, dites simplement « Nous avons besoin de plus de temps en couple. Nous voulons être prêts quand nous aurons des bébés ». Si vous souhaitez avoir une vie plus stable avant d'avoir des enfants, répondez quelque chose comme "Pas avant D'avoir obtenu mon diplôme" ou "Pas jusqu'à ce que John obtienne une promotion". Si vous n'avez pas envie de discuter, souriez et répondez « Si vous arrêtez de demander, vous serez la première personne à le savoir ».
Si vous et votre partenaire envisagez de ne pas avoir d’enfants du tout, mieux vaut le leur dire directement. De cette façon, ils arrêteront de demander et ils n'auront pas de faux espoirs (surtout si « ils » sont vos parents.) Si vous avez besoin de plus de raisons pour ne pas avoir d'enfants, consultez 8 raisons de ne pas avoir d'enfants.
Question #3: “Will you still be working when you’re pregnant?”
Traduction: You better stop working now that you’re pregnant.
This question usually comes from women who were previously confronted with this issue and were also forced to make a choice. Instead of an irritated retort like “So what? You have a problem with that?”, treat the asker as a concerned individual who cares for you in your vulnerable child-bearing time.
Do not give the asker an indecisive reply, like, “Do you think I should?” or a miserable one, like, “I wanted to but John and I needed the money”. If you do, you are only giving in to the asker’s pressure who wants you to do what she has also done.
Your answer should be based on what you and your partner have come up to, like, “John and I have decided that I should not stop working. Work is not that stressful for me anyway and I prefer it to staying at home, eating and watching TV. Besides, the doctor says I don’t have a sensitive pregnancy”. This response not only answers the question, but also closes the case. It shows that you have already pondered on the subject and have come to a reasonable decision.
Question #4: “Don’t you have plans of adding more children to your family?”
Traduction: You should have another child. One is just so unexciting.
Regardless if you’ve decided to raise just one child or you’re trying to conceive another baby, don’t sound bitter on your reply. Instead of responding, “No, I don’t want more kids” ou “I wanted to but I find it hard conceiving”, both of which open up a potentially uncomfortable debate conversation, make a response that (again) portrays you as a levelheaded person.
Say something like, “Whether I only raise one child or more, I want to give the best. I want our family to be emotionally and financially stable so the children will be provided with enough love and comfort.” or “We’re considering it.” and change the subject.
Question #5: “When will you buy your own house?”
Traduction: You should buy your own house already — near us.
This question often comes from your parents or in-laws. This is normally coming from a good place — they want you to put down more permanent roots in the same area (or on the same street, they hope!) But you may not be ready to discuss how much money you and your partner saves and where you wish to live.
If the question comes from a nosy friend, just say “We’re still assessing what we want to do”. If it comes from a family member, try to turn the question around so you know where the asker is coming from. Respond something like, “It sounds like you are excited about us getting our own house so we can stay in this area. Actually we’re working on it and we’re also excited to build our own nest.” or “We prefer the freedom that renting affords us — for now — but we’ll keep you in the loop.”
This way, you’re reflecting back what you think you hear the person is saying. You are also telling the asker that you’ve already made your preference and are really working on its realization. Best of all, it ends the discussion.
Remember, it’s you and your partner’s life and choices. Nobody else’s. Make sure to do what feels right to YOU.
For some, they find it really fun and exciting to meddle with other people's business which I really hate! But I always remind myself that it's me who's going to be affected, I make sure not let these "nagging rebuttals" pressure me 🙂
I don't understand why some people find fun, satisfaction and achievement if they are able to "have something to say" about other's life.
Well, for me, it's just me and my partner's decision. Even if everyone around us are against our decision, but if me and my partner agreed to doing that, then go… If we commit mistakes because of following that decision, then learn from that mistake…
Nagging… I keep wondering why most people find enjoyment in doing this… I’ve observed this: When we (women) are younger, they tend to keep us “away” from boys. But when we’re nearing 30 and no boyfriend yet, they tend to “push” or even set us up on dates. Very funny
Based on my observation, most people find fun and happiness if they are “into” other people’s personal lives. But we can always ignore them 🙂 LOL
For me, it’s about, “I have a life, you have a life, let’s deal with our own.”
I have this belief of “I don’t care about other people’s business as long as it doesn’t affect me.” I don’t care because I don’t want them to care about my business as well. I don’t want people to be questioning me about my choices and decisions.
I definitely agree! It’s me and my husband’s life and choices. When my ex-boyfriend (who happens to be my husband now 🙂 were not yet married, people are asking, when are you going to get married? Or Are you engaged already? I even heard them say, “You should be engaged by now! You’re not getting any younger.”
Now, we have a child and people are still asking me questions about my personal life and choices like when are you going to have your next child? And I can still hear them say, “you’re not getting any younger, have a baby now!”
I used to feel really annoyed for all these questions, but as time passes by, each time I’m asked of some personal married life questions, which to me is more of challenges and rules that I have to follow rather than questions for me to answer, I just smile and say nothing. And it turns out that instead of me being annoyed, I have the person asking be annoyed LOL 😉
I think most of the time these types of questions are well-intended. The people asking want to be involved in your life, and they don't know how to reach a common ground with you, so they ask you these things because these are "the things people ask each other." When I start to feel annoyed by these types of questions, I try to remind myself of this–they mean well and just want to be a part of my life–and try to explain my point-of-view. Who knows? Maybe they'll see things differently afterward, and if not, I know that's a subject to be deflected with that person in the future.
We all know family members may be a little “too” into our personal lives. Although we know they mean the best. These are good tips to get family members off your back for the mean time. I was surprised when my aunt asked me when am I going to have a boyfriend….I’m just like I’m not sure. Growing up family members pushed me away from boyfriends and now they’re embracing it… interesting.
There's always pressure on long term relationships to move on to the next stage in life. Engagement, marriage, own a home, have kids etc. But some people fail to realize with all this comes time. Has anyone been pestered with these type of questions before?
With my husband, we were together for 10 years before we decided to mary. We even had children. My family was shocked and harassed me with questions and pressure about marriage. We I told them we were having a baby, my mother almost cried because we weren’t married… I found that sad. We just needed time, and now we’re settled down and happy.
Ok, I know I’m kinda young, but my friends keep talking about getting married, and I”m like, I don’t want to get married. Not yet! But they would respond that I’d end up an old maid. My point is, even at younger age, we are all pressured to think about marriage. I don’t want to think about marriage yet because my top priority (at least at the moment), is to graduate college and move to a big city!