Don’t panic. Unlike your grandmother at Christmas dinner, we’re not here to probe into your romantic life with a dozen intrusive relationship questions like the ones below. We’re here to help you manage these invasive queries without letting them spiral into a long and frustrating conversation.
The trouble with relationship questions is that, in most cases, there’s no simple answer. They come loaded with pressure for you to take action on the subject. Meddlesome as it may appear, these questions are often delivered by close friends and family members with good intentions. The thing to keep in mind is that their idea of the ‘right’ choices for you is not necessarily what will actually make you happy.
The common denominator for responses to these questions is that they usually don’t give the asker the reply that they want to hear. Why? Because they asked the question mostly to validate their choices, not yours. If you want to articulate your thoughts about the subject, fine. But remember, you’re not responding to affirm their choices. You’re responding to assert your choices.
Here are some of the most common intrusive relationship questions, along with their responses that will get you out of the hot seat:
Question #1: “When are you getting engaged/married?”
Translation: You’ve been together long enough. You should get married already.
So you’ve been cohabiting with your boyfriend for about years. Things are working out just fine and you’re both enjoying the setup. Then your glib sister comes for a visit and drops the bomb asks your bf this question. Actually, you’re thinking about it too, but you’re waiting for him to propose — of his own will… Awkward!
Instead of interjecting a sigh or a hasty “no plans yet”, try to answer the question with a witty retort: “Awww, it’s sweet that you want us to be happy. I’m sure he’ll ask when he’s ready.”
If you want to sound a little wiser, you can explicate by saying something like, “Marriage is a very important decision. We want to think it through.” Not only will the asker shut up to contemplate the question herself, she will see you as a sensible person.
Question #2: “When will you have children?”
Translation: You should have children already so you can become a “happy” family.
Whether you and your husband can’t decide on having dogs instead of babies or you’re trying really hard to conceive, getting asked about the absence of a child in your married life is vexing. Society always looks at childless couples as incomplete. And for this reason, most people are excited for you to have a baby in order to become a “real” family.
If you’re trying to conceive, say “We’re trying”. If you are planning on having kids but not at the immediate future, just say “We need more time as a couple. We want to be ready when we have babies”. If you want to have a more stable life before having children, respond something like “Not until I get my degree” or “Not until John gets a promotion”. If you don’t feel like discussing things, just smile and answer “If you stop asking, you’ll be the first person to know”.
If you and your partner plan on not having kids at all, better tell them directly. This way, they’ll stop asking and they won’t be given false hope (especially if the “they” are your parents.) If you need more reasons not to have kids, check out 8 reasons not to have kids.
Question #3: “Will you still be working when you’re pregnant?”
Translation: You better stop working now that you’re pregnant.
This question usually comes from women who were previously confronted with this issue and were also forced to make a choice. Instead of an irritated retort like “So what? You have a problem with that?”, treat the asker as a concerned individual who cares for you in your vulnerable child-bearing time.
Do not give the asker an indecisive reply, like, “Do you think I should?” or a miserable one, like, “I wanted to but John and I needed the money”. If you do, you are only giving in to the asker’s pressure who wants you to do what she has also done.
Your answer should be based on what you and your partner have come up to, like, “John and I have decided that I should not stop working. Work is not that stressful for me anyway and I prefer it to staying at home, eating and watching TV. Besides, the doctor says I don’t have a sensitive pregnancy”. This response not only answers the question, but also closes the case. It shows that you have already pondered on the subject and have come to a reasonable decision.
Question #4: “Don’t you have plans of adding more children to your family?”
Translation: You should have another child. One is just so unexciting.
Regardless if you’ve decided to raise just one child or you’re trying to conceive another baby, don’t sound bitter on your reply. Instead of responding, “No, I don’t want more kids” or “I wanted to but I find it hard conceiving”, both of which open up a potentially uncomfortable debate conversation, make a response that (again) portrays you as a levelheaded person.
Say something like, “Whether I only raise one child or more, I want to give the best. I want our family to be emotionally and financially stable so the children will be provided with enough love and comfort.” or “We’re considering it.” and change the subject.
Question #5: “When will you buy your own house?”
Translation: You should buy your own house already — near us.
This question often comes from your parents or in-laws. This is normally coming from a good place — they want you to put down more permanent roots in the same area (or on the same street, they hope!) But you may not be ready to discuss how much money you and your partner saves and where you wish to live.
If the question comes from a nosy friend, just say “We’re still assessing what we want to do”. If it comes from a family member, try to turn the question around so you know where the asker is coming from. Respond something like, “It sounds like you are excited about us getting our own house so we can stay in this area. Actually we’re working on it and we’re also excited to build our own nest.” or “We prefer the freedom that renting affords us — for now — but we’ll keep you in the loop.”
This way, you’re reflecting back what you think you hear the person is saying. You are also telling the asker that you’ve already made your preference and are really working on its realization. Best of all, it ends the discussion.
Remember, it’s you and your partner’s life and choices. Nobody else’s. Make sure to do what feels right to YOU.
For some, they find it really fun and exciting to meddle with other people's business which I really hate! But I always remind myself that it's me who's going to be affected, I make sure not let these "nagging rebuttals" pressure me 🙂
I don't understand why some people find fun, satisfaction and achievement if they are able to "have something to say" about other's life.
Well, for me, it's just me and my partner's decision. Even if everyone around us are against our decision, but if me and my partner agreed to doing that, then go… If we commit mistakes because of following that decision, then learn from that mistake…
Nagging… I keep wondering why most people find enjoyment in doing this… I’ve observed this: When we (women) are younger, they tend to keep us “away” from boys. But when we’re nearing 30 and no boyfriend yet, they tend to “push” or even set us up on dates. Very funny
Based on my observation, most people find fun and happiness if they are “into” other people’s personal lives. But we can always ignore them 🙂 LOL
For me, it’s about, “I have a life, you have a life, let’s deal with our own.”
I have this belief of “I don’t care about other people’s business as long as it doesn’t affect me.” I don’t care because I don’t want them to care about my business as well. I don’t want people to be questioning me about my choices and decisions.
I definitely agree! It’s me and my husband’s life and choices. When my ex-boyfriend (who happens to be my husband now 🙂 were not yet married, people are asking, when are you going to get married? Or Are you engaged already? I even heard them say, “You should be engaged by now! You’re not getting any younger.”
Now, we have a child and people are still asking me questions about my personal life and choices like when are you going to have your next child? And I can still hear them say, “you’re not getting any younger, have a baby now!”
I used to feel really annoyed for all these questions, but as time passes by, each time I’m asked of some personal married life questions, which to me is more of challenges and rules that I have to follow rather than questions for me to answer, I just smile and say nothing. And it turns out that instead of me being annoyed, I have the person asking be annoyed LOL 😉
I think most of the time these types of questions are well-intended. The people asking want to be involved in your life, and they don't know how to reach a common ground with you, so they ask you these things because these are "the things people ask each other." When I start to feel annoyed by these types of questions, I try to remind myself of this–they mean well and just want to be a part of my life–and try to explain my point-of-view. Who knows? Maybe they'll see things differently afterward, and if not, I know that's a subject to be deflected with that person in the future.
We all know family members may be a little “too” into our personal lives. Although we know they mean the best. These are good tips to get family members off your back for the mean time. I was surprised when my aunt asked me when am I going to have a boyfriend….I’m just like I’m not sure. Growing up family members pushed me away from boyfriends and now they’re embracing it… interesting.
There's always pressure on long term relationships to move on to the next stage in life. Engagement, marriage, own a home, have kids etc. But some people fail to realize with all this comes time. Has anyone been pestered with these type of questions before?
With my husband, we were together for 10 years before we decided to mary. We even had children. My family was shocked and harassed me with questions and pressure about marriage. We I told them we were having a baby, my mother almost cried because we weren’t married… I found that sad. We just needed time, and now we’re settled down and happy.
Ok, I know I’m kinda young, but my friends keep talking about getting married, and I”m like, I don’t want to get married. Not yet! But they would respond that I’d end up an old maid. My point is, even at younger age, we are all pressured to think about marriage. I don’t want to think about marriage yet because my top priority (at least at the moment), is to graduate college and move to a big city!