Sitting in the car just outside my son’s school, I’m arranging my interviews for this article. Before the bell rings I manage to set up an interview time with both my sources and jot down some discussion points – a multi-tasking success! But not every day as a full-time mom and writer goes so smoothly. Actually on most days, like so many moms, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing at all while being busier than I ever thought possible.
When I got pregnant, I was an editor at a fast-paced media startup. I secured contracts with leading fashion publications and was a regular on daytime TV, discussing the hottest trends. Fast forward five years and on any given day, my biggest accomplishment is getting a picky toddler to eat one piece of fruit (half a banana counts!).
It might sound like I’ve taken twenty steps back in my career, but the truth is I wouldn’t have it any other way. I chose to be home with my son, in all its messy and tantrum-fueled glory, because that’s what worked best for us. The time I’ve spent with my baby, now 4 year-old, has gone by in a flash of precious memories mixed with everyday dramas – and I’ve loved it.
What I didn’t expect was that being away from the daily grind would actually fuel my creativity, making me a better writer. That’s not to say the decision to stay at home or go back to work is easy. Even women who are trailblazers in their fields have grappled with the issue, like L.A. based actress Polly Shannon and SavvyMom Media founder Minnow Hamilton. I sat down with each of these women to get their perspective on what it’s like to work (or not) with baby:
Urbanette Magazine: Can you tell us about where you were in your career before becoming a mom?
Polly Shannon: Honestly, my age category as an actress is brutal, but I still managed to work. I had taken to writing as well, which I enjoyed.
Minnow Hamilton: I was working at a marketing agency, and we worked with lots of mom focused brands, ironically. Our hours were late and the job was demanding, as we were always serving the client first!
Urbanette: So would you say you were ready for something new? Perhaps motherhood…
Polly: I was definitely ready for motherhood. I had waited until I was older to start, knowing that my work would likely start slowing down.
Minnow: I was ready for motherhood for personal reasons, not because of my career. I always intended to continue working, which I did for a short while. But, I actually ended up staying home with the kids for a few years after my second son was born.
Urbanette: And motherhood is full of surprises, I would say. What has been the most surprising aspect of balancing a career and motherhood?
Polly: There are a few tricky bits. One is the amount of time you are away from your child when you are shooting. I shot a lovely film this year and I saw Pasha [her daughter] for about twenty minutes a day. I was gone before she would wake up and home after she was asleep.
Minnow: I think the constant surprise of motherhood – and the balancing act you are attempting while being a parent – is the never ending element of surprise. Meaning that, as soon as you think you have it figured out, the tide shifts – usually it’s your kids because they are growing into the next age/stage and have different needs. If it’s not your kids, it’s the industry you are working in. You can get caught on both sides and there is rarely a phase when you can rest.
Urbanette: As a mom, I can totally understand the struggle, but I think the creative fields like acting, writing (as in my case), and even entrepreneurship offer more flexibility, is that the sense you get as well?
Polly: Not for acting. The only say you have is whether you’d take the job or not. You are on their time and schedule. Nothing changes for you and days are often 16 hours long. I chose to not even audition for pilots over the last two years, since I knew if I did a series I would miss my time being a mom to her as a baby and a toddler. That will change when she gets older.
Minnow: Flexibility is different than time. You’re not necessarily working less hours, but you have a little bit more control of when you work. It sounds glamorous and free, but it really means you are working until 3 am some nights because that’s when the baby is asleep!
Urbanette: I think a key factor for success for all moms is having a support system in place, whether family or paid.
Polly: We don’t have family here but have flown them in to help in the past. My mom came to look after Pasha for my last shoot and that was amazing. In L.A. we have a great nanny who comes only when I need her.
Minnow: Support systems are critical. I am a firm believer in the old adage – it takes a village to raise a child. Mothers need to know how and when to reach out for help, whether it’s your husband, family member or the teenager down the road. Nobody benefits from an overworked, tired mom.
Urbanette: For so many moms there is always a sense of “the grass is greener on the other side” where you think you are missing out on being a mom if you’re at work and missing out on a career if you’re at home. Do you think there’s a happy middle-ground somewhere?
Polly: I think that depends so much on the person. For me, I love my job and it’s fun to work and focus on that once in awhile but not for so long that it takes away from my mom work. I was at a place in my life where I had really accomplished enough to feel satisfied doing this now. I know other women who still have so much they want to do and that is very tough on them, to balance it all.
Minnow: I’m not sure there is a middle ground per se, but I think there is a solution for most moms. The best news is that we have choices now and I think moms need to embrace that and realize how lucky we are. I also don’t think that every career or mom decision they make is forever. There will be times when we know we need to get back to work, and times when we need to be there for our kids.
Urbanette: That’s a great way to think of it, that you can have both, but not at the exact same time. In my case, I found that taking the time to be home with my son inspired my creativity. Finally, what advice do you have for women who are still torn between the age-old decision to stay at home or go back to work?
Polly: I overheard the best advice from [parenting guru] Jennifer Waldburger, which went something like – know you are always the mom whether you are home all day or not. Your child doesn’t forget that. If you are working, put your head 100 percent into that and 100 percent to your child when you’re home. Seemed to work for me when I was shooting because the guilt of being away doesn’t help anyone, it just makes you miserable.
Minnow: Sometimes we try so hard to find the perfect ‘balance’ that it in itself becomes another thing on our list that adds stress to our lives. Maybe there is no such thing as real balance. Maybe if we have a full plate – healthy kids, a decent job and engaging lives – we should just embrace it, instead of always trying to change things.
Urbanette: That’s very good advice – I think I will follow it myself!
Home felt like a prison for me on my maternity leave. But when I went out to mommy meetups and socialized, I felt much better. It also helped to have visitors over to my place so I could hand off the baby and shower or eat. Trusted visitors, who wouldn’t judge me for my messy house or disheveled appearance ?
Precisely this. I am a rotten stay at home mom- I’m anxious and miserable and touched out and dying of sheer people overload (introvert issues). When I go to work I can have adult conversations and string two thoughts together and have some silence for once. I’m currently 8 weeks into a 14 week maternity leave, and while I’m grateful for the time I will be happy to go back to my full time job.
The best moms are ones who feel fulfilled by however they spend their days, in my opinion and feel less stress. You can be a great stay at home mom. But you can also be a great mom who shows her kids that women work and support their families, too, and it’s extra exciting to have time together in the evenings or weekends. Ultimately if you’re stressed and miserable your kids will pick up on it – there’s absolutely no shame in needing some “adult” time and going back to work.
You hit the nail on the head. I’m a SAHM because it is less stressful for me and the entire family if I’m here to manage this portion of our lives. I feel for those that don’t have a choice either way.
Same. I worked on Wall Street and when I started staying home the entire dynamic of our house changed for the better. Of course I was more excited to see him when I came home from work then now that I try to hide from him to get five minutes of peace, but overall my schedule and work pressure was toxic for my family and wasn’t the right fit
I agree with this 100%. Kids need love, structure and good role models. If you feel you’re fulfilling this to the best of your ability, then you’re rocking it as a mom whether you’re a SAHM or working mom.
Does it work differently for men? Do working fathers not work full time, make meals, or raise children? Do they suffer because of this? Because BOTH of my parents were working parents and shared responsibilities. My dad got home first and made meals on weekdays while my mom made meals on the weekends. They both raised us.
Honestly, I was SO READY to go back to work after 5 months at home. I love my baby girl so much, but frankly, babies are kind of boring. I’m lucky to have a job I love teaching high school and amazing colleagues, so that helped. It was definitely hard, but I’m a better mom when I’m working- more present and happier. The logistical stuff is really hard- it feels like such a race every day to take care of her, us, and all the work stuff. But overall, yes. Happy working. Could never be a SAHM.
I just kind of… do. It’s like the more you do, the more you’re capable of doing. In college, I was stressed and working. Then I got foster kids and made it work, still stressed. Then I got an internship and, again, made if work.
My mom did this by getting a job with flexible hours while my dad had a job with the ability to work from home some days, and work RTO some weeks (like work 10 hours 4 days a week.) They split chores pretty evenly, and childcare, and cooking.
My mum was a single-mum working 2 jobs and somehow she was always there for me. I have no idea how she did it; she has later told me that she chose those jobs depending on my age and the needs I had. I have friends who’s parents were always away working, but my mum was always around. Probably not, but that’s how I feel when I remember my childhood.
My mom was stay at home (5 kids) and my dad worked full time. He ended up doing most of the cooking and cleaning too. Compromise and sharing responsibility is how people do it. Unless it’s a single mom (or dad), then family helps out or they are miserable until their child gets old enough to help out with chores.
I had to work less hours as an attorney. My ex husband worked retail and retail hours aren’t your standard 8-5 so I’d have to be available to pick her up from daycare. Working as a lawyer is very demanding as far as being expected to work long hours and be available to travel. Most other lawyers who are mothers have a spouse or the child’s grandparent pick up the kids when they can’t. I’m currently worried about my kid’s new school in the fall because the hours are 8:45 to 3:30 and there are no before school or after school options. I currently work inhouse at more traditional hours but I make less than most of my peers. It’s not the answer everyone wants to hear. It’s not “You can have it all” but finding childcare and being able to take off for school assemblies, etc. is a constant stress and concern.