I was at a cocktail party not long ago with my friend Andrea Syrtash (the real-life Carrie Bradshaw), and had a conversation that echoed what I have discussed with so many friends living in lower Manhattan. The topic: Why it’s hard to find love while living in downtown New York City.
I explained my thesis: that ‘Junk Dating’ is to blame. Let me explain. I was at Le Select (a great little french cafe in SoHo) a few days ago with an amazing man who’s become a mentor to me. He’s brilliant, outgoing, funny, good looking, in his 40’s… and single. But, he claims, not by his choosing. He admitted that he’s been ‘dating too much’, because he keeps meeting interesting women. And therein lies the classic NYC issue. Too much choice and too many people who know how to make a good impression (for the first few months, at least).
The lower half of Manhattan has a very particular energy, if you’re tuned in. It’s a single’s vibe. A youthful, whirlwind kind of energy. It seems like 90% of people downtown are single and looking, or in a ‘relationship’, and still looking (ug). The bars and restaurants are always packed, and everyone is checking everyone else out. I mean, who needs Tinder* when you live in lower Manhattan??
*Tinder and other location-based apps are just roadblocks to finding someone who’ll actually give you lasting happiness. Chances are, if he or she was really ready and open to finding love at this stage of their life, they wouldn’t be on these apps, as they’d realize that constant distraction is not the route to a lasting bond.
Back to Junk Dating… Ever wondered why some people just don’t seem to see the point of settling down, or they go through person after person at two week or three month intervals? NYC is like being a kid in a candy store for many people. Everyone knows that the more sugar you let yourself eat, the more addicted you get. In fact, many people get so addicted to the temporary highs that junk food provides, that they forget how good it feels to be healthy. They’ve forgotten (or, sadly, never gotten to experience) how fulfilling it is to be consistently healthy. So instead, they’re addicted to a diet of junk food (ie. Junk Dating).
They crave that sugar high (ie. date or sex with someone new), and then crash (ie. getting bored easily, not wanting to be alone, needing excitement, drama, obsessing over if they’ll call, etc.), followed by another temporary sugar high, and crash/void, and… repeat… forever.
Metaphorically, everyone wants to be fit and healthy (ie. in a happy, loving relationship), but it seems that precious few want it enough to eat healthy (ie. only date those who could be ‘the one’, and forgo booty calls and Junk Dates) and exercise (ie. meditate, stop clubbing, etc.)
Being with the person you really truly want to spend your life with is… well… the greatest poetry and songs ever written are about how amazing it feels. How fulfilling, exciting, stimulating, safe, warm and everlasting it feels. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, or you think it’s a fantasy — I’m here to tell you: it’s not. I used to think that I’d never find that feeling with someone. I could pretend, but it wouldn’t last, and it was never as good as I knew it could be. I wondered if the songs were there to dupe us… to keep us believing that there’s something better, keeping us single and looking, and out there buying stuff (let’s face it, single people spend more!)
I’ve had (as my friends will attest to) more than my share of awful (I mean AWFUL) boyfriends. I’ll spare you the details, but they were bad. When I moved here from Canada, I had no idea that people could appear so wholesome and sweet, all the while inside them they’re rotten and unfeeling. Well, NYC seems to attract more than its fair share of con artists, so buyer beware, I suppose.
Finding love in NYC was so tough, in fact, that right before I met my husband I was a hair away from moving to San Francisco. I thought the dating scene must be better there — anywhere! Instead, I moved from SoHo to the Upper East Side. Away from the frenetic energy of downtown. Away from the models (there are literally tens of thousands of them strutting around downtown), the crazy bars (which I was never into anyway), and the men that are obsessed with both.
Wouldn’t you know it, I met my husband two months later. He’d also realized that he needed to make a change in his life if he was going to find the right woman for him. He made a list of the top ten things he needs in a woman, and then decided that he was going to wait for the woman that fits every single one of those ten attributes. Every morning he read those attributes out loud. If he started dating someone and he realized that she didn’t fit those, he stopped seeing her. And it worked.
So here are my tried-tested-and-true rules/tips (in no particular order) to help you find the love of your life:
(Tip) #1. Move uptown, away from the singles craziness. I know it sounds counter-productive, but you need to be away from that energy to truly give someone a shot. No distractions.
(Rule) #2. You heard me — no distractions! That means you date one person at a time. We all meet people who are attractive and seem interesting on an almost daily basis, but remember: they seem interesting now, but most probably that’d wear off on the first, third or 10th date anyway. You can’t fully emotionally commit if you’re letting yourself be distracted.
(Rule) #3. Mentally commit. There’s always going to be someone else in your life who’s intriguing. If you’re really giving love a shot with someone, you need to stay away from other people who are tempting. Even if nothing ever happens, it’s breaking rule #2.
(Tip) #4. Make a list of ten things you need in a husband/wife. If you start the list with anything physical, you need to really look at yourself and your level of superficiality. It’s easy to be superficial in a city full of gorgeous people, but it won’t help you find love. Fix that first. Your list should start with things like: playful, optimistic, affectionate, kind, etc. Post it above your computer or fridge and read it daily. If someone you’re dating doesn’t fit this, pull the plug immediately. You don’t want to be wasting time with someone who you can’t be in love with for life, and miss the right person for you.
(Tip) #5. Meditate, read, and improve yourself. If you want to find someone healthy and excellent, you need to be equally as healthy and excellent.
…or stay single. Studies consistently show that single childfree women are much happier (and live longer!) than married women, especially women with children. So think long and hard before giving up your autonomy and freedom.
A side note: Internet porn has been shown to create new neural pathways in the brain that condition men (and women, I suppose) to crave variety and prevent them from getting as turned on by regular/normal sex. More on that here.
Did I miss anything? Do you have any dating tips to share?
If you’re that kind of girl hanging out in clubs all the time, don’t expect to find true love there. Try going to the library instead and maybe you’ll find a decent guy that’s not trying to just get into your pants while you’re drunk.
Some people choose the single life so they can explore relationships with many people, and not have to commit to just one. While this might seem like an easy way out of relationships, some people just don’t want to have a serious commitment in their life, and that’s perfectly fine. As long as everyone feels comfortable with the idea, exploring different relationships with multiple people can actually help you grow as a person in a variety of ways. Single people would rather get to know several people than putting all their eggs in one basket, so to speak.
I’m a believer that regardless of your dream guy list of qualities, you’ll always find him at the right place at the right time. Sometimes, by simply going to different places and being there at the right moment, you’ll find your true love without that long list.
I agree with you on this. Everyone has a place in someone’s heart. Although there are times that it’s probably not as a lover.
Another reason some people stay single is that they are scarred from past relationships. Maybe they don’t want to take a chance on someone else for fear of having a broken heart once again, and if you haven’t walked their path, you really can’t judge them for this decision. Plus, those people who can’t take serious relationships may have gone through the same thing. They no longer want to take it seriously because they did so in the past and it didn’t end up well. I’m not trying to justify their acts because it’s not good to play other people just because you got played.
It’s sad but there are also women out there who won’t take men seriously. Sometimes we think it’s always men’s fault. But I’ve seen women hook up endlessly with different men just to keep the thrill going. They get bored being with the same man for too long.
Tinder promotes hook-up-culture.
If a man is like that, I don’t think a woman will ever be good enough for him. It’s like looking into a pile of goodies and you just want to taste everything that’s in there. You can’t just taste one when there’s a bunch of other flavors waiting for you. Right?
True, so many fishes in the sea… Why settle with just one catch!
Love should come naturally. The rules are just for trying to discipline yourself to being faithful.
I hope we don’t find ourselves setting unrealistic expectations towards other people when we ourselves are ordinary.
Dating apps will give you a hard time transitioning from online to real-life relationships. Things aren’t always what they seem. You can’t really say you know someone just because you chat with them for more than 12 hours in a day. Conversations over chats or texts are very different from sitting across that person in a cafe or restaurant. You will find yourself spontaneous through chats but speechless in person. That isn’t a description of a perfect date either, right? The world doesn’t need to make it twice as complicated in finding love. It’s a natural feeling.
You also have to consider safety when you go from messaging to meeting. Unlike when you date a friend-of-a-friend, you’re meeting a complete stranger.