Do you ever wish you could go back in time and tell yourself something you’ve learned through the years, to help make life a bit easier? What would you say? Personally, if I could give my teenage self some advice, I’d tell her a couple of things:
1. Don’t take people’s opinions (of issues, politics, other people, etc.) as fact.
Ask pointed questions – dig! – to find out what a person really believes. Often, you’ll find that people are just repeating things they’ve heard without really understanding it. For example, if they say they’re “fiscally conservative and socially liberal” ask what specific things they think the government should cut back on? What social initiatives do you think the government should fund, and why?
Which brings me to:
2. Learn about politics.
It matters. How they feel about welfare, women’s rights / pay equity, and other issues is a reflection of that person’s core values. Ask them why they feel that way. It’s often difficult to find out what a person’s core values are other ways – talking about politics gets to the root quickly.
And speaking of politics, get involved on a local level. Vote, and voice your opinion. You CAN enact change!
3. Don’t waste energy stressing about anyone you’re not going to marry.
And don’t worry about finding The One, because when the time is right it’ll be 100% obvious to you. In the meantime, don’t worry about having a boyfriend or lover or what he’s thinking or if he likes you. Pick up some hobbies and learn to love yourself and your alone time.
No matter what your relationship is like or how much time you’ve put into it, if he can turn off his compassion for you and doesn’t treat you with love in the middle of a heated argument (or if he likes to argue), then ditch him. Same with if he doesn’t say sorry quickly. A mature man will apologize for hurting you and try to see things from your point of view, even if he didn’t think it was his fault. Don’t put up with that kind of shit, you’ll just end up regretting it.
Wasting time with guys who aren’t your soul mate just increases the chances that your soul mate will come and go while you’re distracted with some guy who doesn’t matter to you. That said, don’t be on the hunt for your soul mate – it’ll make you more likely to settle or project “soul mate” status onto someone who doesn’t deserve it, just because you want it too much.
Foster friendships instead. This will help you to see a guy for who he really is, over time. Go out with him and his friends – what are they like? When the The One comes along, you’ll just know, and it won’t be based solely on a feeling, it’ll be because he’s kind, intelligent, and right for you — and because of a feeling.
A mature man will apologize and try to see things from your point of view, even if he didn’t think it was his fault.
4. You’re going to change a lot in your 20’s.
Try new things. Experiment. Meditate. Travel. Read self-help books. Do everything you can to grow as a person and figure out what is truly important to you at your core. It’s not about owning more stuff or having good hair! It’s okay to outgrow and change your friends if you discover that they aren’t maturing as people and don’t have decent values.
It’s also important to remember that with every year that passes, as you grow and evolve, you’ll get much clearer on what you’re looking for in life, friendships and your career. What you need in a boyfriend will also change dramatically.
5. Sex clouds things.
When I was single, if I was interested in dating a guy, I waited at least a few weeks, often longer, before getting naked with him. I waited until I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and until I felt 110% comfortable. You may not want to admit it, but chemicals are released in our brains when we have sex with someone, and they create a false feeling of closeness. Get to know someone first, so you can see if they’re even worth being with. A good guy who cares about you absolutely will not pressure you, so if a guy does, you should drop him immediately, because he’s only after one thing.
6. Stay open.
Don’t be closed-minded. If someone has a different opinion than you, genuinely listen to it. They might be ill-informed, or they might have different values than yours, or they might actually modify your opinion on a topic. Either way, part of growing is staying open and keeping your ideas somewhat fluid. That said, if someone says something based on contempt, feel free to tell them to shut the hell up.
7. Some people just want to bring you down, for no reason.
No reason that you’ll ever figure out, anyway. Whatever excuse they use to try to hurt you, it won’t be the real reason they’re upset. They’re upset because they’re jealous, or because they don’t like them self in comparison to you, but instead of admitting that, they find an unrelated excuse to blame their feelings on you.
I know it’s hard to understand, but some people simply won’t listen to reason. They can’t be convinced that they’re wrong. Why? Because they aren’t engaging their higher-thinking part of the brain. The more you try to convince them they’re wrong, the more they’ll try to prove they’re right and (illogically) get even more entrenched in their misguided emotions and ideas.
Related: How to Overcome Haters
8. Try not to feel sorry for yourself.
I know it’s really hard sometimes, but it won’t get you anywhere. Learn to meditate instead. As Helen Keller said, “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.”
9. Adopt two cats from a shelter.
Pick two that already get along. Treat them with kindness at all times and they’ll meaningfully improve your life. (Say good-bye to loneliness!)
10. Don’t worry about what you have and what others have.
It honestly has no lasting bearing on your happiness. Nobody ever said this on their deathbed: “I wish I’d bought more crap.”
What advice would you give?
This is all so true- especially the part about getting rid of toxic friends/boys. I wish I could have told my teenage self that getting other people to like you is not important. What is way more important is finding other people that appreciate you and your values rather than changing them for a boy or a friend. You should never accept being put down because there is no excuse for that! Confidence and self love should come before everything.
God, would I love a chance to go back and tell my younger self all the things I know now. Would saved me a ton of pain and frustration. While there are benefits to not knowing what the future holds, I would have liked to at least known what I might encounter, how to handle certain situations, etc. I wonder what I think of this article in 20 years. Will I feel that much “smarter” then, and wish I could know now what I’ll know then?? Interesting and fun to think about. Thanks for making me think Urbanette!
I’ve learned so many things on my own when I was a teenager. Do I wish someone had told me something, like some advice? Of course. I wish someone told me that my boyfriends in high school will all forget me once we move to college. Or that the hobbies I start to pursue in high school are the ones that I’m really interested in. Or that I shouldn’t stress about choosing a major because I can change my mind a million times in college. 😀
Agreed 🙂 They say the average person has seven careers in their lifetime…
Being a Teenager is tough. They experience all kinds of new changes Physically and Emotionally. At time they feel misunderstood as they are struggling to leave behind their childhood and become adults.
The worst feeling is when Adults say “Oh you are not big enough to give your opinion when adults are talking.” and the same people at times are like “You are not a kid anymore, why don’t you try to be more responsible?”
I, being in my late 20’s, do understand the difficulties that Teenagers go through, but its also true that when I myself was a Teenager, it used to be irritating to handle so much.
Its upto Parents and Guardians to keep in mind how to treat Teenagers. Its a very complicated phase of life.
I agree — I hated being treated and talked to like a kid when I was young. I felt so much older than people treated me.
There will always be a “negative” comment no matter what you do! Living a life considering what other people will think will just keep you frustrated and unsuccessful!
Well, one thing’s definite! Our teen selves should have fun! 🙂
All of this is GREAT advice! Thanks so much for sharing–all of this is spot on 🙂
Thanks! I wish I’d known this stuff when I was younger, too 😉
If there’s one thing I would like to tell myself, it is “you cannot please everybody.” All my teenage life, I was living trying to think what other people will think. From the way I dress to the way I speak to the foods I eat, everything, I tried to live within the norms of my society.I tried to blame myself if someone speaks of negatively about me. This “following with society’s norm” somehow hindered me from truly enjoying my teenage life.
One thing I learned is that “one single mistake matters” and you’re “hundred accomplishments” will be put into waste because of that single mistake.
Life should be enjoyed… be yourself and have fun!
By trying to please everyone, you’re not being true to who you are, and you’re robbing yourself of finding friends who’ll love you for you. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, especially being lesbian. 😉
More often than not, we learn things the hard way! It’s really important to be “true” to yourself! That’s the only way to be genuinely happy and that’s the only thing we can do to avoid asking what if’s in the future. Glad you learned your lesson, Jennifer 🙂
I wish I can go back and tell myself a lot, mostly pertaining to self-love and confidence. I’m only 21 years but would love to tell my 14 year old self things I know now. And I know in years to come I'll will want to tell my 21 year old self a lot of things. But learning is all about growing and getting older, making mistakes,going through breakups and losing friends. It's all for the best and prepares us for life. I really enjoyed this article, it would be nice if time machines existed.
I LOVE this article. I really wish someone had told me these things when I was a teenager. I am going to send it to my younger brother. Such good advice–especially not assuming that what people say is true, and not searching for your soul mate in order to not project that onto someone else just because you want it. The former is something I'm still working on: not assuming that everyone else's opinions are formed in the same way, and therefore will not always be based on, say, research and critical thinking. 😉