5 Golden Rules To Make Your Relationship Last

I am not a certified “love guru.” I’m quite emotional and can be rash if I don’t check in with myself (meditation helps with that). While I’m sure there are plenty of women out there who have no problem keeping a cool head 99.8% of the time, I—unfortunately—am not one of them. Nevertheless, as someone who has only ever been in long-term relationships (casual hookups are really not my thing), I’d like to think I know a bit about what it takes to make a romance last much longer than a fling.

Read on for five (and a half! . . .ish) golden rules I feel you should follow, if you wish to make your (budding) affair endure past your stereotypical, ephemeral encounter.

#1: Be clear, be mature, and be honest when communicating

Generally, men and women express themselves in two very different ways, which makes establishing a crystal clear line of communication no easy feat. That said, take note, ladies: Men are not mind readers. 99% of the time they won’t figure out why you’re upset unless you explicitly tell them (and that’s presuming they even successfully recognize the fact that you’re not okay!).

If something’s on your mind, don’t try to engage your guy in a guessing game that involves you becoming increasingly angry as he repeatedly fails to deduce the reason behind your annoyance. It’ll ultimately end in both of you becoming upset, as he’s sure to get frustrated and irritated at your use of such a childish, scowl-ridden tactic (and he likely won’t be any more inclined to figuring out what offended you in the first place).

Instead, take a few breaths and pony up the courage to calmly tell him what’s bothering you, no matter how trivial it may be. This is much easier said than done, as more often than not the fumes steaming from the top of your head when you’re mad mess with your ability to express yourself articulately. In case said fumes do appear, take a few moments to cool down and sort your thoughts before telling your man (in a proper, non-whiny tone) what’s the matter. Chances are he probably didn’t even realize he did whatever it is you were irked by until you mentioned it, and even if he did, he didn’t realize it would make you mad. Do all of the above, and perhaps you’ll receive a sincere apology instead of a fed-up, deep-sigh-and-eye-roll-type of response!

#1.5: Be conscious of his feelings, too

You should also make sure your man is comfortable telling you when he’s not okay. Guys are notorious for bottling up their emotions — many think that spilling their innards is an emasculating act, so they opt to withhold their feelings instead. Though this practice might buoy your guy’s masculinity, it’ll also create a dangerous breeding ground for secrecy and resentment in the long run — a death sentence for any relationship.

The take away: Always be upfront and honest with your man, and don’t be afraid to speak up whenever you sense a disconnect developing between you two. Make the effort to ensure that you and your significant other are always on the same page, and that no emotion is ever suppressed and left to rot in dank corners, as it is guaranteed to fester at an exponential rate and wreak havoc in the future.

#2: Be openly supportive

Your significant other should be able to count on you to supply a steady stream of sympathy and comfort. It’s extremely important that he can trust you to have his back (and vice versa), especially when times get rough. My boyfriend, for instance, is currently a cadet in the fire academy and, needless to say, I don’t get to see him too often. Instead of getting annoyed that we now rarely get to spend time together (and at the fact that even when we do, he’s sometimes too tired to do much of anything), I try to show my support and understanding by doing thoughtful little acts to help alleviate his woes, such as stopping by his place occasionally to tidy up before he gets home.

It’s important that your man knows  you have his back no matter what, so make a continuous effort to show that you do (and — of course — make sure he does the same for you!)

#3: Be thoughtful and creative

Yes, you can shower your darling with wonderful store-bought goodies, but where’s the fun in that? Spice it up with something that requires more than a swipe of a credit card and a quickly scrawled name.

Are you perhaps an aspiring chef, or a musician-in-the-making? Put a twist on your man’s favorite dish, or write and perform a song for him! (I happen to be a super sentimental, arts-and-crafts enthusiast, which means every guy I’ve ever dated has received a slew of one-of-a-kind, handmade cards and scrapbooks to celebrate every accomplishment and occasion.)

Even if you’re not the artsy type, there are a myriad of methods you can use to show your beau love and support; just play to your strengths, and combine them with what you know your guy will enjoy and appreciate. If you still have trouble, here’s a tip: draw inspiration from his greatest goal in life by just doing whatever you can to help bring him closer to achieving it.

Still can’t think of anything? Here are a few suggestions.

#4: Be yourself, and no one else

There’s absolutely no way your relationship is going to endure if it depends on you keeping up any type of facade. It’s one thing to use a few white lies to capture a man’s interest in the beginning (e.g., you exaggerate your love for 80s rock bands, or pretend to enjoy the Lord of the Rings marathon he made you sit through… no worries, everyone does that!); it’s another to have to sustain a serious frontage that calls for dishing more than a few innocent fibs, just to keep the ball rolling.

For instance, if the object of your affection is really into high-heeled, lipstick-wielding, face-painted girly-girls, and you happen to be a sneaker, jeans, and t-shirt kind of gal, slapping on a pair of stilettos and caking your face with a ton of makeup might lure him in initially and get him to make things official, but without a doubt, you’ll eventually get tired of walking around in those pointy heels… not because they’ll hurt, but because wearing them simply isn’t you.

In short, don’t put on an elaborate act and completely transform yourself just so you can land the irresistible hottie next door; find a guy who’s attracted to you just the way you are… someone who doesn’t require you to change the way you look, act, or speak… someone  you’re unafraid to let loose in front of, who you find easy to be honest with. Otherwise, your relationship is going nowhere lightning fast, since you’re either going to grow weary of having to perpetuate your pretense, or he’s going to detect you’re a fake somewhere down the line. In any case, your romance is pretty much guaranteed to fail.

#5: Be independent

Once your relationship has lasted for longer than a hot minute, it’s easy for your and your guy’s lives to become incredibly intertwined. The longer you’re together, the more mutual friends, memories, hangout spots, and everyday motions you accumulate. Pretty soon, you two become so inseparable, that your existences completely blur into one. You spend every spare moment by each other’s side. You stop hanging out with a lot of the friends you don’t share in common. You quit doing the hobbies you don’t both enjoy. Fused into a single entity, you both start to lose sight of the individuals you were pre-relationship. You forget what it’s like to be alone and do the things you love… what it’s like to be just you.

Given all that, it’s crucial to keep you and your man from melding into an amoeba-like blob, by sustaining your own separate lives. Don’t lose touch with your personal friends. Find time to do your own thing, and strive to achieve your own goals. Giving each other space (both in terms of privacy and alone time) will ensure that you don’t tire of one another, as it prevents your relationship from falling into a boring, predictable routine.

It also decreases the chance that you begin to take each other for granted (as you can imagine, it’s hard to fully appreciate anything that’s a constant, unmoving presence; there’s a reason the platitude “absence makes the heart grow fonder” exists!), and prevent you from potentially smothering each other to death. And in the end, it will allow you both to step back and truly grasp the significant role you play in each other’s lives, ultimately making your relationship that much sweeter.