When I was growing up, my mom chose to stay home, a decision that positively affected my childhood in a lot of ways. My aunt chose to keep her job when my cousin was born, and they also have a great relationship. What do these two women have in common? They both made choices about motherhood that we should support.
Motherhood is surrounded by a lot of disagreement. Working mothers are made to feel guilty for leaving their kids with a nanny during the workday. Meanwhile, stay at home moms are criticized for undermining the feminist cause by sticking to traditional gender roles. No matter what mothers choose, the end result is the same: society doesn’t approve. New mothers are faced with a choice, and whether they decide to stay at home or continue working, society will condemn them for it.
It’s a problematic part of motherhood that never seems to impact fathers.
It is these mommy wars, and not stay at home motherhood, that undermines the feminist cause. Instead of empowering women to make their own career choices, we’re policing mothers’ decisions. Instead of making it easier for women to work, we are quick to judge.
Stay-at-home versus working motherhood is a personal choice based on an array of personal factors. It’s a case-by-case decision that each mother has to make for herself. If a mother chooses to continue working after having a child, it is a choice we must respect. No mom should feel inadequate because she, like most fathers, works during the day.
America’s lack of nationally-mandated maternity leave certainly doesn’t help the situation. In countries where women have the job security that maternity leave affords them, they are far more likely to go back to work. This would suggest that women would prefer to go back to work, but often can’t because their job evaporated while they were in the hospital. Or, better yet, in countries where there’s equal maternity and paternity leave (for the father), gender roles and pay equity are far more equal, and studies show that mothers are far happier. In these countries it’s not just a given that the woman will be the one to sacrifice her career.
We must respect women’s right to choose their own careers, a choice we have never denied men.
Likewise, we must respect the choice to stay home. Many argue that if a woman isn’t working and thus not financially independent, she is destroying the feminist cause. But forcing women into the workplace when they have the desire and means to stay home and look after their children is just as bad as forcing women to stay home when they want to work. It takes away women’s autonomy and suggests that women can’t choose for themselves.
We must ensure each woman has the right to make her own choices about her own career, whether she has children or not. By suggesting that employment makes you a lesser mother (but not a lesser father — in fact, just the opposite), we’re saying that women who have children must sacrifice everything while their husband does not. By trying to force stay at home mothers back into the workplace, we’re saying women who choose full-time motherhood can’t choose their own career and life paths. That sounds like exactly the kind of mentality feminists are trying to fight.
We should strive to make both choices accessible to as many women as possible…
That means helping professional mothers by making it easier for them to balance professional time and family time.
It means supporting stay at home mothers in their decision instead of accusing them of whiling the day away in yoga pants.
It means respecting women’s universal right to choose their own careers — a choice we have never denied men.
In the end, feminism comes down to supporting women’s career choices. We fought, and continue to fight, for equal rights in the workplace, and women have more professional choices now than ever before. As mothers struggle to decide whether they will stay home or continue working, they should know that the feminist community supports their right to choose. Let’s stop judging each other and refocus our energies to make both choices easy and accessible to all women.
Don’t want to deal with the mommy wars? Here are 8 solid reasons not to have kids.
How do you feel about the so-called “Mommy Wars”? Let us know in the comments!
There is always a way of doing both the things together without being guilty. I mark holiday parties and end-of year-programs on my calendar way in advance. I determine when my involvement matters most to my boys and fiercely protect the time—even if it’s just as the class guest reader. No apologies, no explanation at work and, most importantly, no guilt.
Rather than define success by external standards, look at your family. How are they doing? If they are happy and well adjusted, don’t get caught up in what you are supposed to do. This what I do to make me and my family happy.
There is no one right answer on how to do career and motherhood—on how to “have it all.” But you can do both, and you can do both well.
I have 2 careers and 2 very different sets of clients. One I feed and the others feed me. Ones attention needs end when they go to bed, the others end when I go to bed. One knows she’s the center of my world, the others need to believe they are. One needs me to believe in her dreams, the others need me to create them. Single Mother and Architectural Designer – In that order.
“I’m just afraid I’m not doing enough as a mother—and maybe I’m not even doing it right at all.”
I think instead of torturing oneself and struggling to find the time for both, the child and the career, it’s much more efficient to devote at least some time to a child, and then come back to one’s work and continue making a successful career.
I wish we had more than 24 hours in a day and could have time for everything, but, unfortunately, it’s impossible. And if we still try to do too many things, we will have to face such consequences as sleep deprivation, lots of stress, inability to concentrate properly and constant blaming of oneself for not being able to cope with all the tasks.
Opinions towards this issue vary. Some people would claim that a woman does have to choose between the career and the family and decide what is more important for her. Others would argue that it’s perfectly Ok to combine having a great career and having a child (or even two or more children), and it wouldn’t impact her job in any way. And there are different articles and suggestions written for women on how to combine the career and the family. While it might be possible to have a successful career and to become a good mother, I think we should always have priorities in everything we do in life.
I’m not even saying that women should have better opportunities than men. We actually just need a better system when it comes to maternity leave. Imagine a pregnant mother going to work almost immediately, her breasts leaking with breastmilk for her child to consume, yet she’s at work, sneaking at lunch to breastpump milk that would probably be stale already before she even comes home because her office probably didn’t have a fridge. It sounds a little funny, yes, but as human beings, we all know that it’s such a waste to be prioritizing work over nurturing your child just because a company can’t bend over just a little for their mommy employees.
Men can’t stay at home for the baby. Of course it’s the woman who’s going to sacrifice. My husband even hates changing diapers. How can I even expect him to take care of a baby the entire day while I work?
Sorry but I think your husband shouldn’t have gotten you pregnant if he has issues with JUST DIAPERS.