When I was growing up, my mom chose to stay home, a decision that positively affected my childhood in a lot of ways. My aunt chose to keep her job when my cousin was born, and they also have a great relationship. What do these two women have in common? They both made choices about motherhood that we should support.
Motherhood is surrounded by a lot of disagreement. Working mothers are made to feel guilty for leaving their kids with a nanny during the workday. Meanwhile, stay at home moms are criticized for undermining the feminist cause by sticking to traditional gender roles. No matter what mothers choose, the end result is the same: society doesn’t approve. New mothers are faced with a choice, and whether they decide to stay at home or continue working, society will condemn them for it.
It’s a problematic part of motherhood that never seems to impact fathers.
It is these mommy wars, and not stay at home motherhood, that undermines the feminist cause. Instead of empowering women to make their own career choices, we’re policing mothers’ decisions. Instead of making it easier for women to work, we are quick to judge.
Stay-at-home versus working motherhood is a personal choice based on an array of personal factors. It’s a case-by-case decision that each mother has to make for herself. If a mother chooses to continue working after having a child, it is a choice we must respect. No mom should feel inadequate because she, like most fathers, works during the day.
America’s lack of nationally-mandated maternity leave certainly doesn’t help the situation. In countries where women have the job security that maternity leave affords them, they are far more likely to go back to work. This would suggest that women would prefer to go back to work, but often can’t because their job evaporated while they were in the hospital. Or, better yet, in countries where there’s equal maternity and paternity leave (for the father), gender roles and pay equity are far more equal, and studies show that mothers are far happier. In these countries it’s not just a given that the woman will be the one to sacrifice her career.
We must respect women’s right to choose their own careers, a choice we have never denied men.
Likewise, we must respect the choice to stay home. Many argue that if a woman isn’t working and thus not financially independent, she is destroying the feminist cause. But forcing women into the workplace when they have the desire and means to stay home and look after their children is just as bad as forcing women to stay home when they want to work. It takes away women’s autonomy and suggests that women can’t choose for themselves.
We must ensure each woman has the right to make her own choices about her own career, whether she has children or not. By suggesting that employment makes you a lesser mother (but not a lesser father — in fact, just the opposite), we’re saying that women who have children must sacrifice everything while their husband does not. By trying to force stay at home mothers back into the workplace, we’re saying women who choose full-time motherhood can’t choose their own career and life paths. That sounds like exactly the kind of mentality feminists are trying to fight.
We should strive to make both choices accessible to as many women as possible…
That means helping professional mothers by making it easier for them to balance professional time and family time.
It means supporting stay at home mothers in their decision instead of accusing them of whiling the day away in yoga pants.
It means respecting women’s universal right to choose their own careers — a choice we have never denied men.
In the end, feminism comes down to supporting women’s career choices. We fought, and continue to fight, for equal rights in the workplace, and women have more professional choices now than ever before. As mothers struggle to decide whether they will stay home or continue working, they should know that the feminist community supports their right to choose. Let’s stop judging each other and refocus our energies to make both choices easy and accessible to all women.
Don’t want to deal with the mommy wars? Here are 8 solid reasons not to have kids.
How do you feel about the so-called “Mommy Wars”? Let us know in the comments!
So what if we want to work after giving birth? We just want to give a bright future to our kids, and that doesn’t mean that we are a less mother, because we are willing to sacrifice our time with them just to give them a better future.
Thumbs up! You nailed it! I hope people will understand our situation.
I think people should stop judging them. It’s their lives, and it is up to them if they want to work or stay at home.
I think being kind and considerate to each mom is the best thing to do. It would be great to be considerate all the time with everyone…but we know that is not going to happen -we are human! And, of course, sometimes we are ‘in our own little world’ with our own assumptions. I am glad that some moms have choices – we can have a career, stay-at-home, or have both. Every situation has its ups and downs.
There are just some things you never, ever say to a mom—any mom—especially a mom who is trying her damnedest to be the best she can be at the mom thing, the working thing, the friendship thing, the wife thing, all the things.
Thank you for this post, I’m at my 7th month of pregnancy with my first child and most likely only child and I get so many people just tell me going back to work afterward isn’t the right choice for our family. It has got to be one of the most frustrating things to hear from other people whats right for a family that isn’t their own.
We all have the common goal, which is to have a happy and healthy family. I believe that once we learn to understand others, then we’d have less time to judge.
Motherhood is more than just who stays home with the kids or who goes to work every morning. People fail to acknowledge why moms do what they do. We all have our reasons and they are good ones because only WE know how to provide for our family. Instead of judging a mom for what they do, think about why they do it. Maybe the Working Mom can’t afford to stay home, so her and her husband work full-time jobs to provide for their children. Maybe the SAHM wants to stay home with her children because she believes it is what’s best for her family. There are so many reasons for either choice yet society would rather us bicker about it.
I cannot express just how annoying the question is and how often it pops up. We Stay-At-Home-Mom’s spend all day doing what we do best, maintaining our household and raising our children. We don’t want to talk about what we did all day because I guarantee you it was EXHAUSTING!
Being a SAHM is more than just sitting in the recliner, eating popcorn, and binge watching Netflix. Whether you have one kid or three kids, staying home with them 24/7 can be difficult. Along with taking care of them and meeting their needs, you have housework to tend to as well. Laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, and cooking are just a handful of things that SAHM’s do every day. How about those errands? If your children are not in school or in daycare, they get to come along and it’s not always going to be an easy process. Someone will get hungry. Someone has to pee. Someone is thirsty, even though they JUST drank a whole cup of orange juice. Honest to God, I salute the SAHM’s who have more than one child! They are excellent multi-taskers and deserve the utmost respect for all they do.
Before you judge and bash a Working Mom for having a job and not taking care of their children 24/7, understand her. At the end of the day, we are ALL moms just trying to figure it out as we go.