A guy friend once told me that I’m “not like other girls.” He meant it as a compliment, but it left a lump in my throat that made it impossible for me to get my thanks out. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t want to thank him for this so-called compliment at all.
I knew what he meant: you’re not a “girly-girl.” You don’t obsess over nail polish and twirl your hair while smacking pink bubblegum and talking about the latest celebrity gossip. You’re not an airhead. Not like those other girls.
But when did all other girls become airheads? This compliment equates girlhood with vapidity, a mentality I wish we’d left behind in middle school. But it keeps following us, a grown-up (but not any more mature) version of “girls have cooties.”
I spent most of my middle school years buying into the “not like other girls” myth. I rejected pink and didn’t wear makeup and read a lot of books to prove I wasn’t a feminine ninny. I wanted to have mostly guy friends because being friends with girls was “too much drama.” I look back on this time and groan because it’s internalized misogyny at its finest. No girl should feel like she’s in the wrong for being feminine, but it’s a phenomenon that’s much too common.
The worst part about it is that, in an effort to become “one of the boys” so that I wasn’t like other girls, I missed out being friends with other girls for a long time. And, contrary to what this “compliment” would have you believe, other girls are awesome. My girlfriends are one of the greatest parts of my life, and they’re the most exceptional people I know.
Contrary to what this “compliment” would have you believe, other girls are awesome.
I did it because the compliment “not like other girls” forces women into a competition none of us agreed to, where the goal is to lessen our femininity. But girlhood isn’t something I want to break out of, it’s something I want to celebrate. Things we consider ditzy–lipstick, high heels, pretty dresses, too many pillows on the bed–are fun things girls should be able to enjoy without any negative connotations. And if I can love them all and graduate with a higher GPA than the guy who allegedly complimented me, it’s because enjoying girlhood doesn’t make me a ninny.
The truth is, I’m not like other girls. Neither is my sister, or my cousin, or my best friend, or my roommate, or the girl who sat next to me on the subway this morning. We’re all different from each other because—get this—we’re actual people with actual personalities. A subtlety the dude who insists I’m “not like other girls” just can’t grasp.
When I told my guy friend this, he rolled his eyes and told me I was overanalyzing. But language is where our thoughts start. It’s what we use to express ourselves. And what we’re expressing here is a deep-seated disgust for femininity that’s engrained in the words we use every day. It’s about time we changed that.
Read more: Does Our Language Discourage Women?
Have you ever been told you’re not like other girls?
I had pretty much the same experience as well. And agreed on the dramatic thing. When i was younger, I was the ultimate boyish and not interested in the traditional western societal ‘girly’ things. I never disliked girls. I disliked people who are petty, shallow, and obsessed with drama.
Another inspiring article from Urbanette! I’m not like the other girls because I’m better than them.
Unfortunately, female stereotypes exist. I think depending on the tone and who the speaker is (if it’s a male or a female), “you’re not like the other girls” can be a compliment or a destructive comment. I have seen younger ladies react to this negatively. They would be bothered and ask what’s wrong with me?
But a more experienced woman like me, would just say “thanks,” be glad someone notices that “unique” personality and would feel proud that she’s not like the other girls.
Agree! And I would have to add, depending on the situation.
If I’m out on a first date and the guy will tell me, “you’re not like the other girls,” I would definitely be questioning myself, is it a compliment or a negative comment. Does he mean I’m better than other girls or I’m not what he’s expecting and would not want another date with me?!
You hit this one out of the park! You are such an inspiration. This is beautiful, and I agree wholeheartedly with what you’re saying. Thank you for showing me that no matter what I am and what I seek to do in the world I must first and foremost, love myself. This one will be read, again and again. Thanks so much for this article.
Great read! As a woman who has an unconventional sense of humor/jokes/emotional depth, I have been receiving this “you’re not like the other girls” comment a LOT! But well, I don’t really care, at least I know I’m unique and enjoying myself!
If I receive the “You’re not like the other girls” comment, I’d definitely feel happy because someone sees I’m unique. I won’t question “why am I not like the other girls?” Honestly, questioning what made me different from other girls would just make me feel frustrated…
That was just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 🙂
Nice article! I haven’t received such comment. Mmmm… Probably because I love shopping (shopaholic I guess), an activity associated with women.
Have you ever been told you’re not like other girls?
YES! Like the author, I was told I’m not like the other girls because I don’t wear makeup. But unlike her, it was easy for me to respond “thanks” 🙂
GREAT article and perspective. I remember being told this many times, and it never really sat right with me. I couldn’t articulate why, but it’s clear to me now — thanks!