I study English at NYU, which means that my lecture halls are filled with twenty girls for every three or four guys. And yet, during class discussions, the vast majority of the comments were made by the guys.
It’s not for lack of smarts on the girls’ end: I saw most of the girls nodding and adding to their notes, as though they could contribute to the conversation but didn’t want to speak out. I’m quite familiar with the feeling–I’ve spent most of my school career with my hand firmly unraised.
Because of my own non-aggressive nature, I’ve never questioned the general assumption that men are more assertive than women. My male colleagues always seem more comfortable asserting themselves or using aggressive tactics to get what they want, whereas most of my girlfriends and I tend to take a shy approach. So the statement “men are usually more aggressive than women” seemed pretty fair to me.
Or at least, it did, until I came across a study that suggests otherwise. It found that people predicted men would be more aggressive than women, which was true under normal conditions. However, when the researchers set up a “deindividuated” (a concept in social psychology that is generally thought of as the loss of self-awareness in group) setting where participants could act without the influence of social roles, women were just as aggressive as men. That means, when social expectations are set aside, women feel freer to assert themselves.
We are naturally assertive, but submit to societal pressures encouraging us to be demure instead.
The results of the study have clear implications. If women only feel free to be assertive in a deindividuated setting, that means women have the potential to be assertive, but are shut down by perceived social expectations. It makes sense: girls are more frequently taught to be prim and modest, while boys are liberated to be aggressive as kids through the mantra “boys will be boys.”
In many ways, we haven’t quite lost the idea of women as the fairer sex, and it’s reflected in the way we’re expected to behave.
Take negotiating salaries, for example. Women are generally less likely than men to negotiate a raise, but what if that’s only because we feel we can’t be as assertive? Perhaps we’re afraid of being portrayed as bitchy?
A study found that women negotiate just effectively as men when speaking for a friend. That means women naturally have the necessary skills to negotiate well — even without practice.
The problem comes from our fear of asserting our own skills and exuding self-confidence. Over and over, we’re sent subliminal messaging that women exist to be seen and not heard. Once again, we are perfectly capable of being assertive, but submit to societal pressures encouraging us to be demure instead.
The good news is, you can use that information to your advantage. Next time you’re struggling to negotiate for yourself, try faking it ’till you make it. Pretend you’re advocating for a close friend. It’ll make it easier to assert your strengths if you silence your self-critic and step away from social expectations by approaching yourself as you would someone else.
When social expectations are set aside, women feel freer to assert themselves.
We have to kill this assumption that women can’t assert themselves. The widespread misconception is an attempt to silence women in the workplace and in our personal lives, and in response we have to make ourselves heard. In the end, there’s only one way to stop this notion that women can’t be aggressive: we all have to prove it wrong.
Do you ever struggle to assert yourself? How do you overcome it? Let us know in the comments!
That movie “The Proposal” shows a good pattern on how a woman can be persuasive yet open to suggestions for mutual benefits. We don’t always have to push our own idea. We can find common grounds that can make the other party more agreeable to our terms.
In short, learn to compromise if needed…
Let me just correct that being assertive doesn’t mean you have to be rude. It’s respecting other people’s thoughts and wishes while putting across your point.?
Why do we need to say “someone’s being a bitch” when their opinion is better than ours? That’s the problem. people! PRIDE!!! It makes us unaccepting. We think that we are always right!
Those close-minded persons are the real “BITCHES”!
Being assertive is simply being able to stand up for your own rights and communicating your wants and needs. What’s so wrong about that?
I think the term “aggressive” isn’t a good thing compared to being “assertive”. I think the millenials also use the word “savage” whenever they want to speak their mind regardless of what other people think. There’s a lot of negative connotation with those words I stated above. It’s like being called a bitch as a woman feels like we’re being attacked, while men being called assholes seem to be making them manlier. Not sure if I’m making sense here but these are stereotypical words.
With the advent of feminism, man doesn’t have anything to do but to accept that their female counterpart is capable of doing things that they commonly do. But there are still stereotypes and social expectations to destroy in able to achieve more advanvcement.
It depends on the situation that arises, I guess. Being demure is a feminine feature that makes us, well, female. But in able to find self-worth we must be able to say what we have to say even if others agree with it or not.
I always practice my assertion by learning to speak up whenever I have ideas inside my head. Back then, I would only just agree and keep the ideas to myself, but now I’ve learned to say that I was thinking especially when I think it’s helpful information.
Being reserved doesn’t always equate to being less assertive. We really are equally assertive to men. I don’t even let them win in an argument especially if I know I’m right.?
I think that that individuated state should be the norm in every organization that exists. We should allow everyone to speak their minds out without being judged or hindered by social pressure. The world might turn into a better place if we treat each others’ opinion important and valuable.