It’s not exactly news that sex is all over our TV shows, ads, books, and movies; but that doesn’t have to be a problem. What is problematic is portraying an abusive relationship as the romantic ideal, or to show the “assault them until they love you” method (ie. rape and assault) and say that’s consensual sex.
When the 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out, most of my friends sent me the link with reactions that ranged from amused to disgusted. Watching the relationship in the trailer left me uncomfortable, so I checked out the book to pinpoint the source of my unease. Thankfully, I didn’t need to read far to find it: hiding behind this ‘love story’ and ‘inner goddesses’ and other such ridiculousness is an abusive relationship.
There are hundreds of prominent examples, from Star Wars to pretty much every James Bond movie made, to Game of Thrones.
In the Oathkeeper episode of Game of Thrones, Jaime rapes his twin sister/ lover Cersei, a sharp change from the consensual sex portrayed in the book. (Here’s the clip, in case you missed it.) Disturbing relationship dynamics aside, it was a troubling scene. It became even more troubling when the director and writers of the show insisted it depicted consensual sex.
The camera cuts away with Cersei still protesting, “No, stop, it’s not right!” It’s odd that writers would be confused about the definition of such a simple word, but in the English language, “no” denotes the opposite of consent. No consent is rape. And yet the influential men who bring us these ‘love stories’, like David Benioff, D. B. Weiss, and Alex Graves continue to argue about what shouldn’t be arguable, blurring society’s already foggy definition of rape even more.
How have we been tricked into thinking that abuse is a romantic ideal?
50 Shades of Grey did the same thing to abusive relationships. It took a terrible issue faced by too many women in modern society and masked it under an idealized romance that denies the presence of a problem. I’m not talking about the violent sex, though. I’m talking about the clear patterns of emotional abuse that run throughout the story.
Anastasia is frightened of Christian in a way that is never normal or healthy for a relationship. She modifies her actions to avoid making him angry, a behavior typical of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. And the abuse in Christian’s behavior is quite clear: he stalks her, isolates her, and intimidates her. He tracks her whereabouts and restricts how she socializes. But instead of addressing these issues and condemning the abuse, 50 Shades holds up their relationship as an enviable ideal.
Here are a few symptoms of abuse in its various forms (note: this is a very brief list and doesn’t include all signs):
- Apathetic to your feelings / withholding care or attention as punishment
- Constantly betrays your boundaries, like sharing your secrets with others
- They make you feel guilty about wanting to see loved ones
- Thinks you are incapable of most things / they know what is best for you
- They accuse you of untrue things and try to force you into admitting to them
- Embarrasses you on purpose / demeans you in front of other people
- Tries to control you / everything you do, and is eager to point out your flaws
- Hitting / biting / slapping / unwanted physical contact
- Unwanted sexual contact / rape
- Threats of bodily harm or general threats to your person
- Manipulation / making things feel like they are all your fault
All of this sounds like something we’d want to obviously avoid. Yet, these things crop up in tons of media forms — and it’s having a real effect on us. A study showed that women who have read at least one of the 50 Shades trilogy were more likely to get into an emotionally abusive relationship. If that’s not proof that the media impacts our understanding of these issues, I don’t know what is.
What’s worse is that we, as women, are getting manipulated by what we see and read. Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’, and self-objectifying. If you get turned on mostly by knowing that you’re turning a man on, instead of the man turning you on, or you focus on the man’s pleasure and arousal more than your own, or you strongly prefer to be dominated rather than loved during sex, then you’ve been affected by this.
A recent US governmental study by the library of medicine explains that self-objectification is “the process whereby individuals who are subjected to such objectification come to internalize the perspective of the outsider. Because objectification is often a gendered process (with women subject to the male gaze), self-objectification occurs more often in women than in men.
Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’.
When self-objectification occurs, an individual focuses attention on how her body appears to others rather than on how her body feels and on how she can, using that body, perform actions in the world. The theory predicts several consequences of self-objectification, including body shame, anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and sexual dysfunction.”
Porn doesn’t help the situation (more about that here).
Our shows, books, and movies perpetuate the ridiculous idea that a woman shouting ‘NO!’ isn’t rape and a girl afraid of her partner isn’t abuse. It’s wrong. More than that, it’s dangerous. Sure, it’s just fiction, but the awful link our media draws between love, sex, and violence spills into real life. That means fewer women feeling able to report their assault, less support for survivors, more victim-blaming, and a less educated society. How can we tackle these issues if we don’t acknowledge rape and abuse when we see it?
If you’re still not convinced, check out this article from the male perspective, with tons of examples from popular movies and TV.
Find a way to play your part in this conversation, because the repercussions are simply too awful for the conversation to be limited any longer. Take action, even if it’s something as small as seeing The Last Five Years on Valentine’s Day instead of 50 Shades of Grey. Given the studies showing it increases your chances of being in an abusive relationship, it’s for the best.
I’m not the one to comment on people’s fetishes or whatsoever, but whenever someone patronizes those kinds of things, it’s when it grows patronage and a lot of people starts thinking that that kind of story is acceptable. I honestly haven’t met anyone close to me who haven’t watched Game of Thrones. A lot of people on my newsfeed rave about it, I see a lot of their statuses saying “Watching at the moment”. Although I haven’t seen the series myself, I’m aware that there are a lot of sexual boundaries that were being crossed. A lot of people watch it, despite the fact that it does show a lot of negative connotations about what’s consensual or not.
Let us be proactive enough and recognize the misogynistic portrayals of female characters and their complicated relationships with men rather than waiting for the next viral content that targets women’s agency.
Study after study has revealed that one of women’s most popular erotic fantasies is being raped. Yet the fundamental dynamics of such fantasies has almost nothing to do with such a heinous act, which isn’t simply aggressive, but coercive, violent, and at times even life-threatening. After all, a woman’s feeling scared out of her mind is hardly conducive to sexual arousal. I simply don’t understand this, yet it’s a thing.
A lot of people will say, “Don’t overreact! It’s just a book!” Whether it’s just a book, a movie, or whatever, people need to learn that abuse can sometimes be hidden between the lines- hidden underneath romance and all that jazz. The first time I watched 50 Shades of Gray, I immediately saw how manipulative the guy was. But the Monday after that movie was in the theaters, I heard an officemate of mine saying that it was so romantic, with matching lovey-dovey facial expressions. It made me cringe, knowing that it was more than just a romantic movie. It was a movie romanticizing emotional and physical abuse. Yet women are treating it like it was the next Romeo & Juliet or something. There’s such a fine line between romance and abuse nowadays that even the smartest women can fail to recognize it.
I agree with you in so many ways. You can’t say it doesn’t affect people. Regardless if it was non-fiction or not. It’s mostly fiction that makes people’s imaginations go wild.
I think why some people today are obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey is because of its romance and they find some of its character cool- Christian Grey to be more specific. We are also believing in the “opposites attract” saying, that is because the character of christian and ana is utterly opposite. We also love movies where the nice girl wants to/successfully changed a bad guy, maybe they’ve encountered this kind of story in Fsog and why fans might find it interesting. I don’t think that giving comments and judging the fans who are obsessed with it without knowing the whole package of it and focusing only on one part of it is good.
Rape and abusive relationships in general are a big problem in our society. Unfortunately, to solve the problem, we would need people to raise their children differently so that younger generations wouldn’t continue on the same path. Media plays its role in here, so I applaud you for having written about it. However, as for the 50 Shades (I have seen the film just out of curiosity, haven’t read the books), it all started with the books. It’s one woman’s fantasy which somehow caught the attention of SO many women around the world. This is interesting topic to research further. Why all this interest? Is it that many women like to be submissive (in bed)? So they found a series of books about it, cool, and besides, as there’s this kinky side to it, it was even better and more exciting?
Thanks for sharing your point of view! You said out loud things that needed to be heard. I think I found a new topic I should Google some more 🙂
No means no. How is it that not everybody gets this word?
I don’t know if what I will say will change the minds of teens and preteens about this book/movie. I know a lot of friends who like it. And if I start bashing the whole concept of submission, and signing a contract, and letting a man with issues take a hold of your sexual relationship – the girls around me raise their eyebrows and say I’m such a bummer.
Am I the only one not liking this series? No offense to the fans of this book, but I really don’t see the whole point. Why would you fall in love with someone who makes you do things that you don’t like??
It’s very difficult for me watching all of these things unfold, while I have children. I am afraid that they will grow up in a society which accepts this kind of love making and glamorizes it. I am just happy that my husband and I are in the same page in enlightening our kids about what’s happening in the world right now. At the end of the day, it will be up to us, to educate our children so they see all of this from a different view.
Hi Gabby, I like that you’re having an open conversation with your children about this. I hope more parents are the same!!! I might be young but I know I am not going to succumb to these kinds of things. NO IS NO!!!
I am with you Gabby! My husband and I also try to educate our children about these things. We also try very hard to answer (instead of avoiding to answer) their questions on sensitive topics in a very understandable way.