It’s not exactly news that sex is all over our TV shows, ads, books, and movies; but that doesn’t have to be a problem. What is problematic is portraying an abusive relationship as the romantic ideal, or to show the “assault them until they love you” method (ie. rape and assault) and say that’s consensual sex.
When the 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out, most of my friends sent me the link with reactions that ranged from amused to disgusted. Watching the relationship in the trailer left me uncomfortable, so I checked out the book to pinpoint the source of my unease. Thankfully, I didn’t need to read far to find it: hiding behind this ‘love story’ and ‘inner goddesses’ and other such ridiculousness is an abusive relationship.
There are hundreds of prominent examples, from Star Wars to pretty much every James Bond movie made, to Game of Thrones.
In the Oathkeeper episode of Game of Thrones, Jaime rapes his twin sister/ lover Cersei, a sharp change from the consensual sex portrayed in the book. (Here’s the clip, in case you missed it.) Disturbing relationship dynamics aside, it was a troubling scene. It became even more troubling when the director and writers of the show insisted it depicted consensual sex.
The camera cuts away with Cersei still protesting, “No, stop, it’s not right!” It’s odd that writers would be confused about the definition of such a simple word, but in the English language, “no” denotes the opposite of consent. No consent is rape. And yet the influential men who bring us these ‘love stories’, like David Benioff, D. B. Weiss, and Alex Graves continue to argue about what shouldn’t be arguable, blurring society’s already foggy definition of rape even more.
How have we been tricked into thinking that abuse is a romantic ideal?
50 Shades of Grey did the same thing to abusive relationships. It took a terrible issue faced by too many women in modern society and masked it under an idealized romance that denies the presence of a problem. I’m not talking about the violent sex, though. I’m talking about the clear patterns of emotional abuse that run throughout the story.
Anastasia is frightened of Christian in a way that is never normal or healthy for a relationship. She modifies her actions to avoid making him angry, a behavior typical of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. And the abuse in Christian’s behavior is quite clear: he stalks her, isolates her, and intimidates her. He tracks her whereabouts and restricts how she socializes. But instead of addressing these issues and condemning the abuse, 50 Shades holds up their relationship as an enviable ideal.
Here are a few symptoms of abuse in its various forms (note: this is a very brief list and doesn’t include all signs):
- Apathetic to your feelings / withholding care or attention as punishment
- Constantly betrays your boundaries, like sharing your secrets with others
- They make you feel guilty about wanting to see loved ones
- Thinks you are incapable of most things / they know what is best for you
- They accuse you of untrue things and try to force you into admitting to them
- Embarrasses you on purpose / demeans you in front of other people
- Tries to control you / everything you do, and is eager to point out your flaws
- Hitting / biting / slapping / unwanted physical contact
- Unwanted sexual contact / rape
- Threats of bodily harm or general threats to your person
- Manipulation / making things feel like they are all your fault
All of this sounds like something we’d want to obviously avoid. Yet, these things crop up in tons of media forms — and it’s having a real effect on us. A study showed that women who have read at least one of the 50 Shades trilogy were more likely to get into an emotionally abusive relationship. If that’s not proof that the media impacts our understanding of these issues, I don’t know what is.
What’s worse is that we, as women, are getting manipulated by what we see and read. Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’, and self-objectifying. If you get turned on mostly by knowing that you’re turning a man on, instead of the man turning you on, or you focus on the man’s pleasure and arousal more than your own, or you strongly prefer to be dominated rather than loved during sex, then you’ve been affected by this.
A recent US governmental study by the library of medicine explains that self-objectification is “the process whereby individuals who are subjected to such objectification come to internalize the perspective of the outsider. Because objectification is often a gendered process (with women subject to the male gaze), self-objectification occurs more often in women than in men.
Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’.
When self-objectification occurs, an individual focuses attention on how her body appears to others rather than on how her body feels and on how she can, using that body, perform actions in the world. The theory predicts several consequences of self-objectification, including body shame, anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and sexual dysfunction.”
Porn doesn’t help the situation (more about that here).
Our shows, books, and movies perpetuate the ridiculous idea that a woman shouting ‘NO!’ isn’t rape and a girl afraid of her partner isn’t abuse. It’s wrong. More than that, it’s dangerous. Sure, it’s just fiction, but the awful link our media draws between love, sex, and violence spills into real life. That means fewer women feeling able to report their assault, less support for survivors, more victim-blaming, and a less educated society. How can we tackle these issues if we don’t acknowledge rape and abuse when we see it?
If you’re still not convinced, check out this article from the male perspective, with tons of examples from popular movies and TV.
Find a way to play your part in this conversation, because the repercussions are simply too awful for the conversation to be limited any longer. Take action, even if it’s something as small as seeing The Last Five Years on Valentine’s Day instead of 50 Shades of Grey. Given the studies showing it increases your chances of being in an abusive relationship, it’s for the best.
It’s a go-to romcom staple: Boy likes girl, but girl doesn’t like him back. The determined boy will then spend the movie trying to convince the girl to give him a chance. Our “hero” will go to great lengths to win the affection of his crush, whether that means repeatedly asking her out, leaving her gifts, or even infiltrating her circle of friends. Finally, the boy pulls a Grand Romantic Gesture and seals the deal with his formerly (and sometimes still) reluctant love interest. The audience is meant to cheer on the boy for his persistence and view any remaining resistance on the part of the girl as simply delaying the inevitable. As long as love, or what we think is love, triumphs in the end, nothing else matters.
Let’s stop making misguided things glorious.
Of the many influences on how we view men and women, media are the most pervasive and one of the most powerful. Woven throughout our daily lives, media insinuate their messages into our consciousness at every turn.
Telling you what you can and cannot wear, calling you names and putting you down, are all very obvious types of emotional control and abuse. But once your partner has isolated you from friends and family, signs like this will be harder and harder to identify. When you love someone, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but if that individual is your only source of secondary perspective, you may receive distorted feedback about your experience. A partner who threatens to expose your secrets is also engaging in emotional abuse. This is true even when the truth is harmful. For example, if you have a secret prescription drug habit, your partner is not doing you any favors by keeping the secret, so threatening to expose you isn’t for your own good. It is only a method of manipulation. Media portrays this as like it was just nothing, like it’s normal.
Watch out for these signs, people. Not just for ladies, because sometimes ladies to these things to men too.
Don’t believe what you see portrayed on the big or small screen. When people you are, might be or have been romantic with are behaving badly toward you, take it seriously, take care of yourself, and perhaps you’ll even need to walk away.
In the movies, however, these creepy, scary or abusive behaviors end up being viewed as indications of romantic ardor or the charming quirks of an otherwise loving partner, and the couple invariably gets together, living happily ever after. Romantic comedies are normalizing abusive and unacceptable behaviors and fostering a culture in which people are supposed to accept the unacceptable from a potential, actual or past romantic partner.
We can change this by demanding better. We don’t need stalking, abuse or control to believe in a love story or a romantic relationship. Let’s refuse to watch shows, read books or pay for movies where these elements are present. By becoming conscious consumers of media, we can make a difference in what type of content is produced. So keep calling out those bad movies, TV shows and books — and don’t spend your money on any media that glamorizes abuse.
On-screen, people engage in behavior that’s rude, mean, nasty, critical or controlling, and the person on the receiving end almost always forgives and forgets. The hurtful person then suddenly changes their ways and becomes kind, thoughtful and respectful, and the relationship proceeds to be loving and supportive. In real life, someone who behaves this badly during courtship will more than likely be even more abusive once the relationship is established.
This is true. It makes victims feel like it’s okay to be treated like that, because media says so.
On TV and in the movies, we see men and women exhibiting terrible behaviors, but the characters on the receiving end most often react as though these actions were reasonable and acceptable, giving the viewing audience the wrong message about how to go about their own relationships.
When it comes to the television shows we watch, the books we read and the movies we see, it’s important to remember that subconscious messages can have a significant impact on our psyche and our belief systems. A young man who grows up believing that not taking no for an answer is the way to get a girl (as movies have taught him to do) may be the man who rapes a woman. A young woman who read books that portray controlling behavior as a symbol of how much a man loves a woman may find herself normalizing that type of abusive behavior in her own relationships.