Now before you freak out and think I’m a grumpy old lady with outdated values who lives without internet– hear me out. I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum– guys who shoot me the booty text at 3am and guys who refuse, and I mean refuse, to let me pay for dinner. I found both situations annoying.
In today’s hook-up lifestyle, both genders are struggling to declare what they want from the opposite sex. For the progressive woman, it can be hard to reconcile your independent spirit with your desire to be treated well. So what do you do? Do you ditch chivalry completely and scream feminist theories into the ear of every poor guy who opens the door for you?
If you’re only interested in having recreational sex for the rest of your life, then go ahead, scare men away by telling them that you’re a modern woman who is quite capable of opening your own door — thank you very much. If you don’t want that— if you want to find a meaningful relationship with a guy who appreciates you for more than your skills in bed— there is an alternative. Chivalry and equality can work together…
Here’s how to get him to step up his game:
Pay for both (veggie) burgers
You’re a working lass who isn’t looking for a sugar daddy, so of course you can pay for your own meal. It’ll be a moment of pride for you to slam down your credit card and tell the waiter to “Please split the bill.” Your date will object saying, “No– please, I got it.” And you will give him a menacing death stare before you turn back to the waiter and say curtly, “Split. The bill.”
The message you’re sending to your date in this situation is one that says more about you than your financial stability. He’ll think you’re the type of person who doesn’t appreciate kind gestures. He is, after all, trying to show you he had a good time conversing with you over burgers. Nine times out of ten, the guy doesn’t think you’re a charity case.
I don’t know about you, but for me, kind gestures from anyone are always welcome. So let your date pay the bill and don’t forget to thank him afterward (and don’t forget to wipe burger off your face).
Here’s where your chivalry comes in: YOU pay on the next date. (Twist!) That’s right, not only for your meal, but his as well. It’s your turn to display a kind gesture. Now is the time to proudly slam down your credit card and tell the waiter “It’s on me.”
Splitting the check doesn’t work well because it implies that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. The taking-turns-paying system works better because it implies that what’s mine is ours.
Help him because (contrary to his belief) he does not have super-strength
We’ve all been with that guy who insists on holding our handbags. If you didn’t let him, good. Keep doing that. Unless it becomes fashionable to have a handbag the size of a suitcase (gargantuan scarves indicate that fashion could be headed this direction), then you should never, ever let a guy hold your bag. It’s a kind gesture, but it’s 1) way over the top and ridiculous, and 2) women can’t carry men’s handbags because men don’t carry handbags. (We could, I guess, hold a guy’s wallet. It’d be the same amount of trouble.)
The bottom line: Carry your own damn handbag. The only excuse for not doing so is if both your wrists are broken. Now, if something is really heavy, don’t be a stubborn fool and refuse to let a guy help you. You can’t push that big flat-screen TV to the center of the living room by yourself? Those groceries full of juices and cans are heavy? Let him help. Note the advice here is to “let him help,” not “let him do it.” This requires you to do some of the work.
If you see him struggling to carry a bunch of boxes up six flights of stairs, take initiative and help him. Even if he says “No, I got it” (and he will for wanting to seem macho), help him anyway. Heavy stuff sucks. No one likes dealing with it, so help one another and then reward yourselves with a couple of cold beers.
Be the wooer
A friend of mine refuses to accept gifts from guys. Whether it’s something a bit cliché like roses or something extravagant like a necklace — she rejects all of it. She doesn’t want to be perceived as “needy,” she says. It’s always been the guy who’s expected to give the girl gifts — never the other way around. (This is comically ironic, because we’re the ones who are supposedly better shoppers.) It’s no wonder that women like my friend are now trying to reverse this image of female docility by shunning gifts altogether. But that sounds like no fun to me. I’m not ashamed to say it: I love getting gifts. (Hell yes, I would have taken that CD.) But I love giving gifts as well.
Graciously accept gifts from guys, but also don’t be afraid to assume the role of gift-giver. Surprise him. Show up at his doorstep with a grungy t-shirt you found at the flea market with his favorite band on the front, or show up with the entire Lord of the Rings series because he’s adorably nerdy and the DVD pack was $5 at a garage sale, or show up with food (they never say no to food).
If you like a guy then be bold and show him. Sweep him off his feet. We live in an age where men and women alike can be both the wooer and the wooee.
Don’t let the door slam in his face
This one seems like common sense to me. It’s not a matter of chivalry, it’s a matter of basic politeness. There’s no need for a guy to run like a maniac to open the door for a woman who’s perfectly capable of opening it herself. Whoever is walking in front, guy or girl, should open the door for the other person and let that person enter first. Common sense, people. No one likes a jerk who doesn’t understand proper door-holding etiquette.
The moment we let chivalry die is the moment we stop caring about ourselves and others. This can be dangerous because it leads to apathy when it comes to finding love. You aren’t betraying your standard of equality if you let a guy care for you. Equality only fails when you don’t care for him in return. There’s nothing wrong with holding high expectations for a knight-in-shining-armor— just don’t forget to also be a knight-in-shining-armor for him in return.
The key here is to be polite to others and that’s pretty much common sense. We just make chivalry sound like it’s been dead for ages but I think it just melted before our eyes because we fail to appreciate other people and be simply polite.
“The moment we let chivalry die is the moment we stop caring about ourselves and others. ” I love this.
This is also my favorite line.?
You don’t see a man refusing gifts? So why should girls do it. Just give them something in return so you reciprocate the kindness!
We’re amazing shoppers so we have to use this wisely. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and I still show up on his doorstep with gifts. They love that and appreciate that about you.
Just because you accept gifts it doesn’t mean you’re needy. It just means that you accepted it because you’re thankful that they thought of you. Not accepting it would have been rude. I just can’t imagine refusing something they bought from their heart and you’re just like, “Uh, no.” That makes my heart sink. ?
I agree with this. I don’t have the courage to even tell them not to give me any more gifts in the future because that also implies that I didn’t like whatever they just gave me.
My husband and I still do this. Just because we’re both married now and our accounts are merged, it doesn’t mean that we can’t have the benefit of spending our own money. We still feel the need to “treat” each other for icecream, coffee or over dinner.
If a guys insists he’ll pay, I let him. I don’t want to start an argument over the bill! That’s rude.
Chivalry is similar to give and take, and so is feminism. You’ll earn your respect if you show others respect.
I’m guilty of letting my man carry my bag. But it’s a backpack that’s unisex. I’m not trying to justify anything, haha! He insists, but when we’re both carrying something, we carry it on our own.
Don’t forget that feminism is equality. When you are being pushy and rude you’re implying the opposite of equality.