Now before you freak out and think I’m a grumpy old lady with outdated values who lives without internet– hear me out. I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum– guys who shoot me the booty text at 3am and guys who refuse, and I mean refuse, to let me pay for dinner. I found both situations annoying.
In today’s hook-up lifestyle, both genders are struggling to declare what they want from the opposite sex. For the progressive woman, it can be hard to reconcile your independent spirit with your desire to be treated well. So what do you do? Do you ditch chivalry completely and scream feminist theories into the ear of every poor guy who opens the door for you?
If you’re only interested in having recreational sex for the rest of your life, then go ahead, scare men away by telling them that you’re a modern woman who is quite capable of opening your own door — thank you very much. If you don’t want that— if you want to find a meaningful relationship with a guy who appreciates you for more than your skills in bed— there is an alternative. Chivalry and equality can work together…
Here’s how to get him to step up his game:
Pay for both (veggie) burgers
You’re a working lass who isn’t looking for a sugar daddy, so of course you can pay for your own meal. It’ll be a moment of pride for you to slam down your credit card and tell the waiter to “Please split the bill.” Your date will object saying, “No– please, I got it.” And you will give him a menacing death stare before you turn back to the waiter and say curtly, “Split. The bill.”
The message you’re sending to your date in this situation is one that says more about you than your financial stability. He’ll think you’re the type of person who doesn’t appreciate kind gestures. He is, after all, trying to show you he had a good time conversing with you over burgers. Nine times out of ten, the guy doesn’t think you’re a charity case.
I don’t know about you, but for me, kind gestures from anyone are always welcome. So let your date pay the bill and don’t forget to thank him afterward (and don’t forget to wipe burger off your face).
Here’s where your chivalry comes in: YOU pay on the next date. (Twist!) That’s right, not only for your meal, but his as well. It’s your turn to display a kind gesture. Now is the time to proudly slam down your credit card and tell the waiter “It’s on me.”
Splitting the check doesn’t work well because it implies that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. The taking-turns-paying system works better because it implies that what’s mine is ours.
Help him because (contrary to his belief) he does not have super-strength
We’ve all been with that guy who insists on holding our handbags. If you didn’t let him, good. Keep doing that. Unless it becomes fashionable to have a handbag the size of a suitcase (gargantuan scarves indicate that fashion could be headed this direction), then you should never, ever let a guy hold your bag. It’s a kind gesture, but it’s 1) way over the top and ridiculous, and 2) women can’t carry men’s handbags because men don’t carry handbags. (We could, I guess, hold a guy’s wallet. It’d be the same amount of trouble.)
The bottom line: Carry your own damn handbag. The only excuse for not doing so is if both your wrists are broken. Now, if something is really heavy, don’t be a stubborn fool and refuse to let a guy help you. You can’t push that big flat-screen TV to the center of the living room by yourself? Those groceries full of juices and cans are heavy? Let him help. Note the advice here is to “let him help,” not “let him do it.” This requires you to do some of the work.
If you see him struggling to carry a bunch of boxes up six flights of stairs, take initiative and help him. Even if he says “No, I got it” (and he will for wanting to seem macho), help him anyway. Heavy stuff sucks. No one likes dealing with it, so help one another and then reward yourselves with a couple of cold beers.
Be the wooer
A friend of mine refuses to accept gifts from guys. Whether it’s something a bit cliché like roses or something extravagant like a necklace — she rejects all of it. She doesn’t want to be perceived as “needy,” she says. It’s always been the guy who’s expected to give the girl gifts — never the other way around. (This is comically ironic, because we’re the ones who are supposedly better shoppers.) It’s no wonder that women like my friend are now trying to reverse this image of female docility by shunning gifts altogether. But that sounds like no fun to me. I’m not ashamed to say it: I love getting gifts. (Hell yes, I would have taken that CD.) But I love giving gifts as well.
Graciously accept gifts from guys, but also don’t be afraid to assume the role of gift-giver. Surprise him. Show up at his doorstep with a grungy t-shirt you found at the flea market with his favorite band on the front, or show up with the entire Lord of the Rings series because he’s adorably nerdy and the DVD pack was $5 at a garage sale, or show up with food (they never say no to food).
If you like a guy then be bold and show him. Sweep him off his feet. We live in an age where men and women alike can be both the wooer and the wooee.
Don’t let the door slam in his face
This one seems like common sense to me. It’s not a matter of chivalry, it’s a matter of basic politeness. There’s no need for a guy to run like a maniac to open the door for a woman who’s perfectly capable of opening it herself. Whoever is walking in front, guy or girl, should open the door for the other person and let that person enter first. Common sense, people. No one likes a jerk who doesn’t understand proper door-holding etiquette.
The moment we let chivalry die is the moment we stop caring about ourselves and others. This can be dangerous because it leads to apathy when it comes to finding love. You aren’t betraying your standard of equality if you let a guy care for you. Equality only fails when you don’t care for him in return. There’s nothing wrong with holding high expectations for a knight-in-shining-armor— just don’t forget to also be a knight-in-shining-armor for him in return.
I want equal rights for women everywhere, I do believe there is still to be a standard for dating. Maybe it’s because of the way I was raised and the way I watched my dad behave as a man but I want to be treated like a lady and I expect that. I’m not being a brat or needy I’m simply sticking to my expectations of what I believe dating should be and that’s the old-fashioned way.
The spark of chivalry is still there in people when it could have died long ago.
I like this very much! It would be nice if chivalry could become contagious.
ummm… i hate to burst your bubbles, but. the chivalry you guys want? it doesn’t exist really. it’s all made up by Don Quijote. a fictional character on a book. the real chivalry or knights code has nothing about men jumping through hoops for ladies, however, it says there that ladies should only be at home and wait for her husband to come home from work. so I’m happy with dead chivalry, equality comes first.
Chivalry comes naturally. It is the way men are meant to be, just as women are meant to be ladies. It is the way of the world. It opens up to love and leads the way for respect. It creates foundations and builds beauty in lasting relationships.
Chivalry is not an archaic, medieval concept. It’s something that should be alive and well in our culture today. Our world needs more civility, common sense, kindness, and chivalry. Chivalry is displayed when a man honors a woman… is courteous and polite to her. I would never date a man who wasn’t chivalrous.
I love how this article is written, Chivalry is manners. It’s a way to show respect. It’s an entire demeanor and way of living that extends far beyond opening a door for a woman. It extends to how you treat everyone in your life, including other men. 🙂
I’ll share this article because a lot of people need to read this. They think that chivalry is just for men. But it’s not.
Gread read! Very interesting topic to talk about since I do hear a lot of complaints about the younger generation that chivalry is dead. I think that they’re missing the point on what chivalry actually is.
Since women can do anything that men can do, let’s not act like we’re not capable. We’re no longer 10 year olds that need constant caring. We can take care of ourselves but it’s good to let others take care of us as well. Balance!