When someone told me I say sorry too much, I decided to count how many times I apologized in a day. I expected a number around five, and I expected that to sound like a lot. So when I hit twelve, I was shocked to say the least. I apologized before I asked a question in lecture. I apologized to a friend when Netflix stopped working. I apologized to some guy on the subway when he stepped on my foot. The worst part is, he didn’t even apologize back.
As it turns out, I’m not alone. A study found that women apologize more than men, and report committing more offenses. It’s not that men are less willing to apologize, but that women find it necessary to apologize more often than men do. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to stop.
Apologizing is often necessary, and a sincere apology can go a long way in terms of repairing a friendship and forgiving others. But if you pepper sorry into your everyday language, those sincere apologies lose their impact. Plus, over-apologizing negatively impacts your self-esteem and makes you seem smaller to others. Cutting the ever-present sorry from your speech is hard, but these techniques will help erase these unnecessary apologies:
Count Your Apologies
The first step to solving any problem is recognizing you have it. Tomorrow, start counting how many times you apologize. When I did, the number certainly took me by surprise. Notice every time you say sorry throughout the day. If you’re a chronic apologizer, the word has probably infiltrated your speech to the point where you don’t even notice it slipping out.
Pause And Think
Before apologizing, pause to consider whether you really need to say you’re sorry. If you’re about to ask a question, ask an employee for a favor, or smooth over an awkward situation even though you aren’t at fault, don’t apologize. You shouldn’t feel guilty for asserting yourself, so don’t let guilt seep into your language.
Look For A Different Phrase
If you use “sorry” as a filler word where it doesn’t belong, take a second to find another. If you’re asking a question, replace the “sorry” with “I have a question” or “I was wondering.” If you’re trying to smooth over an awkward situation, say “excuse me” and move on. Chronic apologizers pepper “sorry” into their sentences like nervous high schoolers pepper “um” into their class presentations, so it could be that all you need to do is find another filler phrase—one that bolsters your confidence instead of tearing it down.
Realize Your Worth
Over-apologizing can come from low self-esteem, especially if you use ‘sorry’ to preface questions or comments. Remind yourself of your worth and speak with confidence. You should not apologize for your existence or your feelings.
Be Firm
Often, women in positions of authority apologize to soften a request in an attempt to be well-liked. But apologizing in these cases undermines your authority. Remember: you’re not “being bossy” if you’re the boss. Don’t apologize for it.
As someone who uses the word sorry like punctuation, I know how hard it can be to remove it from your everyday vocabulary. But I also know that it means I’m perpetually apologizing for participating in conversations, asking questions, and taking up space. In short, I apologize near-constantly for my existence. With these tips, I became aware it and have managed to avoid apologizing unless I’m actually in the wrong. Use them to show ‘sorry’ the door, and rebuild your speech with confidence.
Do you ever catch yourself apologizing for no reason?
Sorry just used to be the white flag you raise. But now it’s like an act of submissiveness and weakness. Not sure how or when this happened, but it’s like apologizing makes us feel so weak when it should be the other way around. Sorry is strength, because you had the courage to say it even though you felt bad about it. Yet, people say sorry for trivial things like sneezing, and Netflix stopping, your internet connection, what else? When all the while, men won’t even say SORRY to you.
Yep, sorry is the white flag in relationships but outside of that, it’s a different concept.
I hate it when people assume that just because I rejected them, I have to apologize. If there’s anything that they should apologize about, it’s their existence.
I was told that always apologizing gives other people the power to turn the tables and attack us instead. I guess when you apologize, you give that person the power to make you feel like you’re really the one at fault. When in fact, you only apologized because you knew it was the good thing to do and that sometimes, saying sorry simply means that you didn’t want to lose the person so you had to apologize even though you didn’t do anything. It’s such a big word tbh.
This happened to me too. I just didn’t want to argue anymore so I apologized but what the man assumed was that I was owning up to it.
I have a friend that does this and I asked her why she’s apologizing too much, she said sorry again and I didn’t know what to do with her. I could just show her this article but I feel like that’s a little offensive.
I only apologize when I know that I did something wrong. But if it was a situation that I could have controlled, I find another phrase to use.
If you know your worth, you will never apologize for something that you did not do.
Maybe it’s not sorry that you should be saying? That’s why you should find other phrases to say.
What I really try to stop (but it’s hard to control yourself) is saying sorry to people asking for your money, your time… No, you earned, you can decide whatever you want to do with it, you don’t have to apologize… Do you agree?
Maybe those people just don’t want to be rude. It’s a cliche to say sorry if you cant give what other people are asking from you. Its a matter of how you see it. Saying sorry doesn’t always mean you did something wrong, sometimes its a polite way of saying I wish I can do that but I cannot.
“Why are women always apologizing?!” Thanks for answering this question 😉
Perfect! Your article makes a lot of sense. And apologizing too often is something we need to work on.