It’s not exactly news that sex is all over our TV shows, ads, books, and movies; but that doesn’t have to be a problem. What is problematic is portraying an abusive relationship as the romantic ideal, or to show the “assault them until they love you” method (ie. rape and assault) and say that’s consensual sex.
When the 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out, most of my friends sent me the link with reactions that ranged from amused to disgusted. Watching the relationship in the trailer left me uncomfortable, so I checked out the book to pinpoint the source of my unease. Thankfully, I didn’t need to read far to find it: hiding behind this ‘love story’ and ‘inner goddesses’ and other such ridiculousness is an abusive relationship.
There are hundreds of prominent examples, from Star Wars to pretty much every James Bond movie made, to Game of Thrones.
In the Oathkeeper episode of Game of Thrones, Jaime rapes his twin sister/ lover Cersei, a sharp change from the consensual sex portrayed in the book. (Here’s the clip, in case you missed it.) Disturbing relationship dynamics aside, it was a troubling scene. It became even more troubling when the director and writers of the show insisted it depicted consensual sex.
The camera cuts away with Cersei still protesting, “No, stop, it’s not right!” It’s odd that writers would be confused about the definition of such a simple word, but in the English language, “no” denotes the opposite of consent. No consent is rape. And yet the influential men who bring us these ‘love stories’, like David Benioff, D. B. Weiss, and Alex Graves continue to argue about what shouldn’t be arguable, blurring society’s already foggy definition of rape even more.
How have we been tricked into thinking that abuse is a romantic ideal?
50 Shades of Grey did the same thing to abusive relationships. It took a terrible issue faced by too many women in modern society and masked it under an idealized romance that denies the presence of a problem. I’m not talking about the violent sex, though. I’m talking about the clear patterns of emotional abuse that run throughout the story.
Anastasia is frightened of Christian in a way that is never normal or healthy for a relationship. She modifies her actions to avoid making him angry, a behavior typical of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. And the abuse in Christian’s behavior is quite clear: he stalks her, isolates her, and intimidates her. He tracks her whereabouts and restricts how she socializes. But instead of addressing these issues and condemning the abuse, 50 Shades holds up their relationship as an enviable ideal.
Here are a few symptoms of abuse in its various forms (note: this is a very brief list and doesn’t include all signs):
- Apathetic to your feelings / withholding care or attention as punishment
- Constantly betrays your boundaries, like sharing your secrets with others
- They make you feel guilty about wanting to see loved ones
- Thinks you are incapable of most things / they know what is best for you
- They accuse you of untrue things and try to force you into admitting to them
- Embarrasses you on purpose / demeans you in front of other people
- Tries to control you / everything you do, and is eager to point out your flaws
- Hitting / biting / slapping / unwanted physical contact
- Unwanted sexual contact / rape
- Threats of bodily harm or general threats to your person
- Manipulation / making things feel like they are all your fault
All of this sounds like something we’d want to obviously avoid. Yet, these things crop up in tons of media forms — and it’s having a real effect on us. A study showed that women who have read at least one of the 50 Shades trilogy were more likely to get into an emotionally abusive relationship. If that’s not proof that the media impacts our understanding of these issues, I don’t know what is.
What’s worse is that we, as women, are getting manipulated by what we see and read. Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’, and self-objectifying. If you get turned on mostly by knowing that you’re turning a man on, instead of the man turning you on, or you focus on the man’s pleasure and arousal more than your own, or you strongly prefer to be dominated rather than loved during sex, then you’ve been affected by this.
A recent US governmental study by the library of medicine explains that self-objectification is “the process whereby individuals who are subjected to such objectification come to internalize the perspective of the outsider. Because objectification is often a gendered process (with women subject to the male gaze), self-objectification occurs more often in women than in men.
Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’.
When self-objectification occurs, an individual focuses attention on how her body appears to others rather than on how her body feels and on how she can, using that body, perform actions in the world. The theory predicts several consequences of self-objectification, including body shame, anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and sexual dysfunction.”
Porn doesn’t help the situation (more about that here).
Our shows, books, and movies perpetuate the ridiculous idea that a woman shouting ‘NO!’ isn’t rape and a girl afraid of her partner isn’t abuse. It’s wrong. More than that, it’s dangerous. Sure, it’s just fiction, but the awful link our media draws between love, sex, and violence spills into real life. That means fewer women feeling able to report their assault, less support for survivors, more victim-blaming, and a less educated society. How can we tackle these issues if we don’t acknowledge rape and abuse when we see it?
If you’re still not convinced, check out this article from the male perspective, with tons of examples from popular movies and TV.
Find a way to play your part in this conversation, because the repercussions are simply too awful for the conversation to be limited any longer. Take action, even if it’s something as small as seeing The Last Five Years on Valentine’s Day instead of 50 Shades of Grey. Given the studies showing it increases your chances of being in an abusive relationship, it’s for the best.
Normalization of the problematic behavior happens due to stereotypes and societal expectations that have their roots in gender-based dictates in the society. Not only is the abuse never discussed properly, it is in fact sidelined. The disturbing qualities of the male protagonists are often seen as rather attractive. The dark and brooding ‘central’ character is passed off as desirable instead of the creep he actually is. Often times, emotional distancing and the silent treatment by the hero is seen as a consequence of masculinity. On various occasions, the justification for the abuse comes from the idea that the hero is the one who fixes problems in the story, as men are expected to do. Thus corrective rape or manipulation is not seen as a serious issue.
It was believed the popular book series had the power to influence attitudes and beliefs surrounding intimate partner violence, arguing “individuals regularly alter their real world beliefs and attitudes in response to fictional communication.
It’s fiction that glorifies fear, intimidation, stalking and violence against women. When I read extracts from the book (50 Shades of Grey) I hear my clients telling the same stories and that is most certainly not fiction.
The danger in Fifty Shades of Grey is that it does what an abuser does: it makes us think that abuse is normal.
Romanticized violence and abuse is quite a common trope that is used in movies and TV. A lot of classics were never called out for the depictions of domestic violence and sexual assault by the ‘hero’ until quite later. How many stories have we seen that imply that the women actually enjoyed the sexual assault and eventually fell for the man (take ‘The Fountainhead’ for example)? Why, isn’t the hunk Stanley Kowalski, played by Marlon Brando in the movie ‘A Streetcar named Desire’, who regularly batters his wife, considered a popular fantasy among women? The old Hollywood movie ‘Carousel’ also has a male protagonist who is a wife beater. And the violence need not necessarily be physical in nature; it can manifest in the form of emotional and psychological manipulation.
If he stalks you he must really love you. If you say “no,” that’s just a come-on. And if you love a sadistic abuser he’ll change and you’ll live happily ever after in a really big house. None of these behaviors are marketed as problematic but, rather, promoted as romantic.
Please remember that emotional abuse is real and as serious as other types of abuse. It doesn’t leave any physical bruises or broken bones but it does leave you feeling insecure, guilty, and trapped. That’s abuse too. Emotional abuse is also a gateway to more violent forms of abuse. So don’t wait until it gets worse to do something about it. Because it just may get worse.
Let us be proactive enough and recognize the misogynistic portrayals of female characters and their complicated relationships with men rather than waiting for the next viral content that targets women’s agency.A lot of famous movies and novels are filled with depictions of abuse and manipulation of some kind. A major theme of many romance novels, much like ‘50 shades…’, is the female protagonist trying to ‘fix’ her abuser and eventually making him fall in love with her. Equating violence with passion and dominance with love is a common subject matter in these books. What is problematic is that a lot of the content is consumed by women themselves. This leads to the practice of internalized misogyny, which eventually impedes women’s fight for equal rights. Thus, they unknowingly participate in their own subjugation. What is desirable is often shaped through the popular images and ideas that surround us. Novels, motion pictures, songs etc. are instruments of culture and it is through them too that we understand what is acceptable in society.
People should learn how to figure out the red flag signs before they could even start investing feelings in the relationship.
This is what happens in the early stages of any abusive relationship, especially with an abuser who uses dominance to disguise his intentions. Victims are instructed by their abusers to view the abuse as normal, and normalcy as special.
How many young girls dream of having someone “take care” of them and wake up one day in a relationship with someone who controls and abuses them in order to “take care” of them? 1 in 4 women will.