It’s not exactly news that sex is all over our TV shows, ads, books, and movies; but that doesn’t have to be a problem. What is problematic is portraying an abusive relationship as the romantic ideal, or to show the “assault them until they love you” method (ie. rape and assault) and say that’s consensual sex.
When the 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out, most of my friends sent me the link with reactions that ranged from amused to disgusted. Watching the relationship in the trailer left me uncomfortable, so I checked out the book to pinpoint the source of my unease. Thankfully, I didn’t need to read far to find it: hiding behind this ‘love story’ and ‘inner goddesses’ and other such ridiculousness is an abusive relationship.
There are hundreds of prominent examples, from Star Wars to pretty much every James Bond movie made, to Game of Thrones.
In the Oathkeeper episode of Game of Thrones, Jaime rapes his twin sister/ lover Cersei, a sharp change from the consensual sex portrayed in the book. (Here’s the clip, in case you missed it.) Disturbing relationship dynamics aside, it was a troubling scene. It became even more troubling when the director and writers of the show insisted it depicted consensual sex.
The camera cuts away with Cersei still protesting, “No, stop, it’s not right!” It’s odd that writers would be confused about the definition of such a simple word, but in the English language, “no” denotes the opposite of consent. No consent is rape. And yet the influential men who bring us these ‘love stories’, like David Benioff, D. B. Weiss, and Alex Graves continue to argue about what shouldn’t be arguable, blurring society’s already foggy definition of rape even more.
How have we been tricked into thinking that abuse is a romantic ideal?
50 Shades of Grey did the same thing to abusive relationships. It took a terrible issue faced by too many women in modern society and masked it under an idealized romance that denies the presence of a problem. I’m not talking about the violent sex, though. I’m talking about the clear patterns of emotional abuse that run throughout the story.
Anastasia is frightened of Christian in a way that is never normal or healthy for a relationship. She modifies her actions to avoid making him angry, a behavior typical of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. And the abuse in Christian’s behavior is quite clear: he stalks her, isolates her, and intimidates her. He tracks her whereabouts and restricts how she socializes. But instead of addressing these issues and condemning the abuse, 50 Shades holds up their relationship as an enviable ideal.
Here are a few symptoms of abuse in its various forms (note: this is a very brief list and doesn’t include all signs):
- Apathetic to your feelings / withholding care or attention as punishment
- Constantly betrays your boundaries, like sharing your secrets with others
- They make you feel guilty about wanting to see loved ones
- Thinks you are incapable of most things / they know what is best for you
- They accuse you of untrue things and try to force you into admitting to them
- Embarrasses you on purpose / demeans you in front of other people
- Tries to control you / everything you do, and is eager to point out your flaws
- Hitting / biting / slapping / unwanted physical contact
- Unwanted sexual contact / rape
- Threats of bodily harm or general threats to your person
- Manipulation / making things feel like they are all your fault
All of this sounds like something we’d want to obviously avoid. Yet, these things crop up in tons of media forms — and it’s having a real effect on us. A study showed that women who have read at least one of the 50 Shades trilogy were more likely to get into an emotionally abusive relationship. If that’s not proof that the media impacts our understanding of these issues, I don’t know what is.
What’s worse is that we, as women, are getting manipulated by what we see and read. Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’, and self-objectifying. If you get turned on mostly by knowing that you’re turning a man on, instead of the man turning you on, or you focus on the man’s pleasure and arousal more than your own, or you strongly prefer to be dominated rather than loved during sex, then you’ve been affected by this.
A recent US governmental study by the library of medicine explains that self-objectification is “the process whereby individuals who are subjected to such objectification come to internalize the perspective of the outsider. Because objectification is often a gendered process (with women subject to the male gaze), self-objectification occurs more often in women than in men.
Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’.
When self-objectification occurs, an individual focuses attention on how her body appears to others rather than on how her body feels and on how she can, using that body, perform actions in the world. The theory predicts several consequences of self-objectification, including body shame, anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and sexual dysfunction.”
Porn doesn’t help the situation (more about that here).
Our shows, books, and movies perpetuate the ridiculous idea that a woman shouting ‘NO!’ isn’t rape and a girl afraid of her partner isn’t abuse. It’s wrong. More than that, it’s dangerous. Sure, it’s just fiction, but the awful link our media draws between love, sex, and violence spills into real life. That means fewer women feeling able to report their assault, less support for survivors, more victim-blaming, and a less educated society. How can we tackle these issues if we don’t acknowledge rape and abuse when we see it?
If you’re still not convinced, check out this article from the male perspective, with tons of examples from popular movies and TV.
Find a way to play your part in this conversation, because the repercussions are simply too awful for the conversation to be limited any longer. Take action, even if it’s something as small as seeing The Last Five Years on Valentine’s Day instead of 50 Shades of Grey. Given the studies showing it increases your chances of being in an abusive relationship, it’s for the best.
People are investing their time in the wrong show when they watch the GOT. It promotes nothing but abuse, violence, lust and even rape.
Sex is a part of every relationship. And there is nothing wrong with seeing and learning sex for as long as it doesn’t promote in an abusive way. I guess with all the bad movies, programs, magazines and internet access we all have especially the younger ones, guidance is very important for them to know what is right from wrong and normal from not.
I agree with this one. We cannot change things we do not have control of, but we must at least change and help people within our scope to have the better understanding of what is abusive from not. Abuse and rape are never normal in a relationship.
50Shades of Grey should be banned from all cinemas and its books should be taken out from all the bookstores when I saw all the articles and posts about it, I already know that it will only pollute the mind of the young people. Imagine your daughter reading the books and having in her mind that submission and all those kinky things can be normal in a relationship.
It is just so sad how the society is embracing this kind of movie like nothing is wrong with it and even received awards from all the nudity and sexually abused shown in the movie. It gets to show how much impact it gives to people.
I just wish that the media would care more about the audience than the profit. Recently, I have seen so many movies and tv series that are only to promote violence and sexual abuse. I am afraid how our young generation now would be in the near future. As much as we would like to control everything, media has a wider coverage from tv, magazines, and internet.
This is true! I do not let my son watch The Walking Dead or The Game of Thrones but he is very curious about it because he said his classmates are talking about it every day and asked me if he can watch it. I watched few episodes of the TWD and GOT but I already realized that it shows violence and sexual desires so I wouldn’t let my son be influenced by it.
The movie 50 Shades of Grey is nothing but a porn with famous actors on the big screen. I didn’t like it and I do not think it is worth reading the book or seeing the movie. It gives no lesson but only teaches the viewers about sex.
I won’t really say that our culture or society idealized sexual abuse but maybe a big influencer in how we explain and identify sexual abuse. In movies like the 50 Shades Of Grey, it showed domination of the man in a relationship and somehow it gives the viewers the idea of how a relationship should be.
Domination of a man and submission of the woman should not be normalized. In reality, both can be dominant and submissive, what’s important is both parties agree in whatever setup they would have in their relationship.
One form of abuse that is not as well-known outside of certain communities is called “gaslighting”. This is when an abuser will try and convince victims the way they are remembering something is absolutely wrong. In other words, if you remember them calling you a mean name, they may try to convince you that that never happened, its all in your head and you’re crazy. The worst part is that many start to believe it. It is a common technique used in many kinds of abusive relationships, and it can make the victim feel unsure of their own sanity. Many of us are drawn to ‘wounded birds’. We want to take those that have been hurt, or are different or cold to the world, and be their bright light. What most people don’t realize is that you cannot rescue someone who doesn’t want to rescue themselves. You can support them, love them, but the moment they start to abuse you, most don’t realize that they need to care for themselves enough to get out. Abusive relationships will rarely ever improve, no matter how much of a superhero you want to be for your abuser.
We are romanticizing relationships that are unhealthy and abusive, whether it is mentally or physically. These are not examples we should be setting for younger generations. We need to be telling girls they are worth their thoughts and ideas, and not just their bodies. We need to be telling boys they are not defined by their wrongdoings of their partners. And vice-versa. We need to start promoting relationships that are healthy and leading by example for younger generations.
I agree! We need to fight back and boycott films like 50 Shades and talk about why we’re not going to watch it. I’m worried for the younger generation too… if we don’t change the culture now…
It is time to stop romanticizing abusive and controlling relationships. I don’t know when I noticed the sudden rise in this trend, but I have. I have noticed more videos being posted on Facebook and other social media sites that feature relationships that appear to be abusive or controlling, with the purpose of either being comical or boastful. I watched this video documented via Snapchat of this girl, probably no older than 15, and her boyfriend. The part that got to me the most was that he wouldn’t let her take off her jacket in public because she had a tank top on. Every time she tried to take it off, he forced her to put it back on. She laughed like it was a joke, but I found it heartbreaking.
Everyone wants to feel loved unconditionally. It’s an inherent desire in all of us, and there is nothing wrong with it. You are not wrong for wanting to be loved and wanting to be made to feel special. However, love comes with respect. It comes with the acceptance of boundaries, with trust and with a sense of emotional and physical well-being. You should not have to sacrifice self-worth, friendships, mental health, physical health or the very essence of your person in the hopes of obtaining that love. Where abuse is involved, people need to realize that that is not love. Don’t romanticize abuse. Get educated and help stop yourself, and others, from falling into the same abusive relationships these characters in movies, series, and books did.