It’s not exactly news that sex is all over our TV shows, ads, books, and movies; but that doesn’t have to be a problem. What is problematic is portraying an abusive relationship as the romantic ideal, or to show the “assault them until they love you” method (ie. rape and assault) and say that’s consensual sex.
When the 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out, most of my friends sent me the link with reactions that ranged from amused to disgusted. Watching the relationship in the trailer left me uncomfortable, so I checked out the book to pinpoint the source of my unease. Thankfully, I didn’t need to read far to find it: hiding behind this ‘love story’ and ‘inner goddesses’ and other such ridiculousness is an abusive relationship.
There are hundreds of prominent examples, from Star Wars to pretty much every James Bond movie made, to Game of Thrones.
In the Oathkeeper episode of Game of Thrones, Jaime rapes his twin sister/ lover Cersei, a sharp change from the consensual sex portrayed in the book. (Here’s the clip, in case you missed it.) Disturbing relationship dynamics aside, it was a troubling scene. It became even more troubling when the director and writers of the show insisted it depicted consensual sex.
The camera cuts away with Cersei still protesting, “No, stop, it’s not right!” It’s odd that writers would be confused about the definition of such a simple word, but in the English language, “no” denotes the opposite of consent. No consent is rape. And yet the influential men who bring us these ‘love stories’, like David Benioff, D. B. Weiss, and Alex Graves continue to argue about what shouldn’t be arguable, blurring society’s already foggy definition of rape even more.
How have we been tricked into thinking that abuse is a romantic ideal?
50 Shades of Grey did the same thing to abusive relationships. It took a terrible issue faced by too many women in modern society and masked it under an idealized romance that denies the presence of a problem. I’m not talking about the violent sex, though. I’m talking about the clear patterns of emotional abuse that run throughout the story.
Anastasia is frightened of Christian in a way that is never normal or healthy for a relationship. She modifies her actions to avoid making him angry, a behavior typical of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. And the abuse in Christian’s behavior is quite clear: he stalks her, isolates her, and intimidates her. He tracks her whereabouts and restricts how she socializes. But instead of addressing these issues and condemning the abuse, 50 Shades holds up their relationship as an enviable ideal.
Here are a few symptoms of abuse in its various forms (note: this is a very brief list and doesn’t include all signs):
- Apathetic to your feelings / withholding care or attention as punishment
- Constantly betrays your boundaries, like sharing your secrets with others
- They make you feel guilty about wanting to see loved ones
- Thinks you are incapable of most things / they know what is best for you
- They accuse you of untrue things and try to force you into admitting to them
- Embarrasses you on purpose / demeans you in front of other people
- Tries to control you / everything you do, and is eager to point out your flaws
- Hitting / biting / slapping / unwanted physical contact
- Unwanted sexual contact / rape
- Threats of bodily harm or general threats to your person
- Manipulation / making things feel like they are all your fault
All of this sounds like something we’d want to obviously avoid. Yet, these things crop up in tons of media forms — and it’s having a real effect on us. A study showed that women who have read at least one of the 50 Shades trilogy were more likely to get into an emotionally abusive relationship. If that’s not proof that the media impacts our understanding of these issues, I don’t know what is.
What’s worse is that we, as women, are getting manipulated by what we see and read. Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’, and self-objectifying. If you get turned on mostly by knowing that you’re turning a man on, instead of the man turning you on, or you focus on the man’s pleasure and arousal more than your own, or you strongly prefer to be dominated rather than loved during sex, then you’ve been affected by this.
A recent US governmental study by the library of medicine explains that self-objectification is “the process whereby individuals who are subjected to such objectification come to internalize the perspective of the outsider. Because objectification is often a gendered process (with women subject to the male gaze), self-objectification occurs more often in women than in men.
Women are internalizing these patriarchal ‘ideals’ and this distorted perception of what is ‘sexy’.
When self-objectification occurs, an individual focuses attention on how her body appears to others rather than on how her body feels and on how she can, using that body, perform actions in the world. The theory predicts several consequences of self-objectification, including body shame, anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and sexual dysfunction.”
Porn doesn’t help the situation (more about that here).
Our shows, books, and movies perpetuate the ridiculous idea that a woman shouting ‘NO!’ isn’t rape and a girl afraid of her partner isn’t abuse. It’s wrong. More than that, it’s dangerous. Sure, it’s just fiction, but the awful link our media draws between love, sex, and violence spills into real life. That means fewer women feeling able to report their assault, less support for survivors, more victim-blaming, and a less educated society. How can we tackle these issues if we don’t acknowledge rape and abuse when we see it?
If you’re still not convinced, check out this article from the male perspective, with tons of examples from popular movies and TV.
Find a way to play your part in this conversation, because the repercussions are simply too awful for the conversation to be limited any longer. Take action, even if it’s something as small as seeing The Last Five Years on Valentine’s Day instead of 50 Shades of Grey. Given the studies showing it increases your chances of being in an abusive relationship, it’s for the best.
I do not recommend any of the 50 shades movies and books as I believe it only romanticized domestic violence. It tried to show the viewers that abuse “can be” sexy. That pain can be pleasurable. I just hope that women can be wiser in choosing what to believe in. Do not let yourself be in the same situation as Ana and just find a pure love with no violence. #loveisnotviolent
How can you even call it love when the main character punishes the woman when she does something opposite to what you like? Dominating is not love. It is abusive and you cannot call it love when you want to feel powerful over your relationship to the woman you choose to be by your side. This is the kind of scenario that the society does not need right now. With all the rape, abuse and harassment going on, 50 shades of grey is one of the same things that only beautified by how it was presented. #50shadesofgreyisallabusive
I just want to warn parents out there like myself to make sure to know what your daughter and son are reading especially when they are still young. This 50 shades of grey movie and book sexual and I wouldn’t even want my daughter to know about this. I believe it is not good for young children to have distorted ideas about love in this kind of book/movie. We all know that young people can be affected and influenced very easily by what they see and hear from others. We do not want them to be exposed to dirty things like this.
My husband was even shocked when we saw the trailer on TV while our daughter was playing on the floor. It can be a good movie for adults like us but for young people, it can be a way for them to know what love is and how a relationship should be in the wrong ways.
I had a relationship with a man before and he was some sort of sadist. In our one year relationship, he wanted to always try to do different things and explore the way we make love. And sometimes I found his ways pleasurable but more often just abusive. I had to end the relationship because it was not healthy anymore and he wouldn’t take No for an answer every time he would ask me to do some odd things. There I knew it wasn’t healthy anymore and maybe he doesn’t really love me since he is more after the sex.
Oww, it is so sad to hear that. But I admire you for taking the courage to end an unhealthy relationship with what you had. I know better things are just about to happen. Just hang on!#notoviolence
Romance should not be associated with violence. There is no romance in violence at all. Using those sex toys is not romantic. It is plain sadistic and abusive. Even if a woman agrees in using these toys, it doesn’t mean she likes it but maybe just wants to satisfy you. If you truly love her, make love to her and not toy her.
I agree with this one. What is so fun about using those sex toys to be put inside your body. It is okay to be playful and creative but maybe there is some other best way to do that than in supporting these toys.
I had mixed feelings about the movie 50 shades of Grey. I liked it because of Dakota and Jamie of course, but I just didn’t like all the sex scenes showed as if I was watching a porn movie. But then, I thought it was really how the book was written. And in my honest opinion, I do not think that women are shallow to even be influenced by this kind of movie on how they should be treated by men or how a relationship should really be.
My wife and I are very strict with what we watch on our tv at home. Since we have a daughter and a son, we would not want to introduce any shows with violence and sexual abuse. If there are some scenes that are disturbing, we immediately explain what is right from wrong.
50 Shades of Grey is not all about sex and violence. I liked the books because it showed how a powerful man (Christian) can change for the love of his life (Ana). It showed how he compromised and adjusted so Ana would stay by his side and clearly, Ana also tried to adapt to Christian’s lifestyle. The book was not bad at all because it showed how love is. Two people compromising to keep the relationship works.
I am a bookworm and I have read all the 50 Shades of Grey books and yes it was an erotic kind of book, but I do not see why this could be a reason for women to suddenly get this image that it can be applied in real life. Clearly, it was all made up and all in the extreme. I still believe that women are better at knowing what is good for them than not. You can fantasize but you do not expect to do it in real life.
People went crazy when the 50 shades of grey came out because the trailer was really catchy. People patronized the movie because of the unusual love story it advertised. But when I watched the movie it’s not really about a love story but the sexual desires of the characters through abusive acts. There was no lesson learne but only controversial with all the nudity and sex it showed.
I didn’t like how sex toys were promoted in that movie. It introduced a different kind of sex to the audience an most of them are not even safe.