I am not a certified “love guru.” I’m quite emotional and can be rash if I don’t check in with myself (meditation helps with that). While I’m sure there are plenty of women out there who have no problem keeping a cool head 99.8% of the time, I—unfortunately—am not one of them. Nevertheless, as someone who has only ever been in long-term relationships (casual hookups are really not my thing), I’d like to think I know a bit about what it takes to make a romance last much longer than a fling.
Read on for five (and a half! . . .ish) golden rules I feel you should follow, if you wish to make your (budding) affair endure past your stereotypical, ephemeral encounter.
#1: Be clear, be mature, and be honest when communicating
Generally, men and women express themselves in two very different ways, which makes establishing a crystal clear line of communication no easy feat. That said, take note, ladies: Men are not mind readers. 99% of the time they won’t figure out why you’re upset unless you explicitly tell them (and that’s presuming they even successfully recognize the fact that you’re not okay!).
If something’s on your mind, don’t try to engage your guy in a guessing game that involves you becoming increasingly angry as he repeatedly fails to deduce the reason behind your annoyance. It’ll ultimately end in both of you becoming upset, as he’s sure to get frustrated and irritated at your use of such a childish, scowl-ridden tactic (and he likely won’t be any more inclined to figuring out what offended you in the first place).
Instead, take a few breaths and pony up the courage to calmly tell him what’s bothering you, no matter how trivial it may be. This is much easier said than done, as more often than not the fumes steaming from the top of your head when you’re mad mess with your ability to express yourself articulately. In case said fumes do appear, take a few moments to cool down and sort your thoughts before telling your man (in a proper, non-whiny tone) what’s the matter. Chances are he probably didn’t even realize he did whatever it is you were irked by until you mentioned it, and even if he did, he didn’t realize it would make you mad. Do all of the above, and perhaps you’ll receive a sincere apology instead of a fed-up, deep-sigh-and-eye-roll-type of response!
#1.5: Be conscious of his feelings, too
You should also make sure your man is comfortable telling you when he’s not okay. Guys are notorious for bottling up their emotions — many think that spilling their innards is an emasculating act, so they opt to withhold their feelings instead. Though this practice might buoy your guy’s masculinity, it’ll also create a dangerous breeding ground for secrecy and resentment in the long run — a death sentence for any relationship.
The take away: Always be upfront and honest with your man, and don’t be afraid to speak up whenever you sense a disconnect developing between you two. Make the effort to ensure that you and your significant other are always on the same page, and that no emotion is ever suppressed and left to rot in dank corners, as it is guaranteed to fester at an exponential rate and wreak havoc in the future.
#2: Be openly supportive
Your significant other should be able to count on you to supply a steady stream of sympathy and comfort. It’s extremely important that he can trust you to have his back (and vice versa), especially when times get rough. My boyfriend, for instance, is currently a cadet in the fire academy and, needless to say, I don’t get to see him too often. Instead of getting annoyed that we now rarely get to spend time together (and at the fact that even when we do, he’s sometimes too tired to do much of anything), I try to show my support and understanding by doing thoughtful little acts to help alleviate his woes, such as stopping by his place occasionally to tidy up before he gets home.
It’s important that your man knows you have his back no matter what, so make a continuous effort to show that you do (and — of course — make sure he does the same for you!)
#3: Be thoughtful and creative
Yes, you can shower your darling with wonderful store-bought goodies, but where’s the fun in that? Spice it up with something that requires more than a swipe of a credit card and a quickly scrawled name.
Are you perhaps an aspiring chef, or a musician-in-the-making? Put a twist on your man’s favorite dish, or write and perform a song for him! (I happen to be a super sentimental, arts-and-crafts enthusiast, which means every guy I’ve ever dated has received a slew of one-of-a-kind, handmade cards and scrapbooks to celebrate every accomplishment and occasion.)
Even if you’re not the artsy type, there are a myriad of methods you can use to show your beau love and support; just play to your strengths, and combine them with what you know your guy will enjoy and appreciate. If you still have trouble, here’s a tip: draw inspiration from his greatest goal in life by just doing whatever you can to help bring him closer to achieving it.
Still can’t think of anything? Here are a few suggestions.
#4: Be yourself, and no one else
There’s absolutely no way your relationship is going to endure if it depends on you keeping up any type of facade. It’s one thing to use a few white lies to capture a man’s interest in the beginning (e.g., you exaggerate your love for 80s rock bands, or pretend to enjoy the Lord of the Rings marathon he made you sit through… no worries, everyone does that!); it’s another to have to sustain a serious frontage that calls for dishing more than a few innocent fibs, just to keep the ball rolling.
For instance, if the object of your affection is really into high-heeled, lipstick-wielding, face-painted girly-girls, and you happen to be a sneaker, jeans, and t-shirt kind of gal, slapping on a pair of stilettos and caking your face with a ton of makeup might lure him in initially and get him to make things official, but without a doubt, you’ll eventually get tired of walking around in those pointy heels… not because they’ll hurt, but because wearing them simply isn’t you.
In short, don’t put on an elaborate act and completely transform yourself just so you can land the irresistible hottie next door; find a guy who’s attracted to you just the way you are… someone who doesn’t require you to change the way you look, act, or speak… someone you’re unafraid to let loose in front of, who you find easy to be honest with. Otherwise, your relationship is going nowhere lightning fast, since you’re either going to grow weary of having to perpetuate your pretense, or he’s going to detect you’re a fake somewhere down the line. In any case, your romance is pretty much guaranteed to fail.
#5: Be independent
Once your relationship has lasted for longer than a hot minute, it’s easy for your and your guy’s lives to become incredibly intertwined. The longer you’re together, the more mutual friends, memories, hangout spots, and everyday motions you accumulate. Pretty soon, you two become so inseparable, that your existences completely blur into one. You spend every spare moment by each other’s side. You stop hanging out with a lot of the friends you don’t share in common. You quit doing the hobbies you don’t both enjoy. Fused into a single entity, you both start to lose sight of the individuals you were pre-relationship. You forget what it’s like to be alone and do the things you love… what it’s like to be just you.
Given all that, it’s crucial to keep you and your man from melding into an amoeba-like blob, by sustaining your own separate lives. Don’t lose touch with your personal friends. Find time to do your own thing, and strive to achieve your own goals. Giving each other space (both in terms of privacy and alone time) will ensure that you don’t tire of one another, as it prevents your relationship from falling into a boring, predictable routine.
It also decreases the chance that you begin to take each other for granted (as you can imagine, it’s hard to fully appreciate anything that’s a constant, unmoving presence; there’s a reason the platitude “absence makes the heart grow fonder” exists!), and prevent you from potentially smothering each other to death. And in the end, it will allow you both to step back and truly grasp the significant role you play in each other’s lives, ultimately making your relationship that much sweeter.
I’ve been with my partner for a little over 10 years now. The two things that have helped our relationship the most is 1) being able to apologize when we’re wrong i.e. being able to put our ego aside and 2) actively wanting to be the best partner to each other which means having a real willingness to work on ourselves. There is a quote that is often attributed to Marilyn Monroe that goes like this “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – this represents the worst kind of person you can possibly have in a relationship. Someone who has enough insight to recognize their bad qualities but believes that their partner should just put up with them. Fuck that person. No one should have to put up with your shit so work on it to make sure that they don’t have to.
Making a relationship last? I’ll pass. This long-term relationship bullshit looks like a headache. And marriage is completely out of the question. Too dangerous for the MEN in the modern age.
The reason why relationships don’t last is simply that people are not in it for the long haul and they get into relationships for the wrong reasons (i.e. being afraid of being alone, peer pressure, afraid of being a ‘loser’ for not having a BF/GF, etc.). When most people say they want a relationship they really mean “I want the honeymoon phase of the relationship”. However, they don’t want to put in the work required for a long, lasting relationship, especially when everyone wants to fuck like rabbits lol.
I’ve never understood couples that fought. If you’re fighting, you are with the wrong person (or at least one of you is immature.) Pick your battles? No. Don’t have battles. Talk and figure it out.
Depends on the relationships. People come in 3 different categories: masculine, feminine and neutral. Their sex doesn’t always factor in that as there are feminine men and masculine women. If you have two masculines together, they will be constantly fighting for dominance. If you have two feminines together, they fight because neither takes the lead and they both want to be the nurturer. Neutrals do fine together, but there is no passion; more like friends than lovers. A masculine and a feminine will have that passionate relationship that most people want. They will still fight once in awhile, but mostly because they don’t quite get where the other is coming from.
I think there are a lot of things to consider as far as having a long-lasting relationship but the main important ones are, loyalty, honesty, respect, and communication. Then I would say doing fun or new things every once in awhile so it stays fresh/fun and being able to make each other laugh/smile is a good thing as well as affection. As for things not to do, again there are a lot but some of the biggest are; Don’t force a relationship to happen just because you’re lonely. If that other person doesn’t fit you and your too different and just clash don’t start something because more than likely it won’t last and you’ll just argue all the time and have one big fat headache. You want someone you click with and have stuff in common. Another is don’t compare your relationship to others/shows/ society etc… It’s a hard thing to do because other relationships and advice on relationships are/is everywhere but try to ignore it because more than likely it will cause more harm than good. Every relationship is different/every person is different. However, if you feel yourself wishing your partner would do or say a lot of the things you hear or see from relationship advice and your partner does none of those things and seems fine with the way things are, that’s a clear sign that you and your partner are not a good fit for each other and want different things. Last thing is, don’t lose yourself in a relationship, don’t be in a relationship where you do everything for your partner and they do nothing or very little for you in return. Don’t sacrifice your happiness and beliefs for them. Your needs and wants should be just as important as theirs. Every relationship should have a balance of give and take.
What’s been making my relationship last is basic lol, having fun with each other playing around and watching TV and cuddling, been going on 3 years and still as in love as when we got together, yes we do fight ever now and then but that’s natural and I would worry if we never did, my and girlfriends thing is never going to bed pissed lol.
Hi, I’m in long distance relationships we’ve been so happy and giving enough time together. but slowly he losing time for me I’m trying to understand him for being a busy businessman and have faith he loves me though we don’t call anymore just a few texts when he can and sometimes just emojis I tried to just think he cant type message because he is driving or in meetings. I don’t like to ask because I don’t want to act like needy and clingy to him but deep inside me I’m really wondering why he didn’t give much effort nowadays. To tell you he was owning a business and I’m not quite sure how a business personal life being busy do you think he is just that so busy or making excuses.. but he had told me he is the kind of person who doesn’t waste time in a relationship if he thinks its not worth it. He will just end it. Do I have to hold on to that words from him and just relax? please give me some advice. thanks
Take this with a grain of salt…if he continues to not make you a priority. I’d like to say that nobody’s ever that busy, it’s all a matter of priority. Has he always been this way for you both though? The way I see it, I don’t think so… so try to see what has caused this sudden change, but try not to make a big deal out of it for now…especially if he’s open to you two talking/video call, or however it is you both agree to spend time together. Good luck!
I’m happy this article was uploaded since I’ve just started a relationship with my boyfriend and I love him for what he is and I want this to last.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 1/2 years because we keep it old school:) but we also use technology at the same time like he doesn’t mind watching me watch makeup videos or shop for makeup:) and I don’t mind him looking at gun videos:) one important thing I realized is that nowadays couples don’t compromise with each other :\ and that can ruin a relationship:( and it’s very important that you really listen to what they love like if he’s talking about his favorite sport or what ever don’t be on your phone and just be like “oh cool” actually ask him questions and talk about it and he should do the same for you:)
Growing divorce rates is the reason why we need this kind of article. And moreover growing divorce rates are thanks to the feminism movement allowing women to have their own opinions and to openly disagree with their husbands instead of submitting to their every word.