I’ll never forget Jarrod. We dated for about a year when I was 24. He was as perfect as they come. Smart, funny, successful, handsome… other women were always checking him out.
He traveled a lot, and this made me worry. Mostly because I had an irrational fantasy that some pretty blonde would meet him at a hotel bar while on the road and he’d end up with her instead of me. I though I’d kept all that fear bottled up, but I learned a new lesson the hard way: never underestimate the power of jealousy to change your behavior without you even realizing it.
You should know the importance of jealousy’s role in your relationship. This overlooked emotion can become your biggest adversary.
Growing up, I had a lot of issues with both envy and jealousy. Maybe it was because I always assumed that my sister was my parent’s favorite, or because I had a lot of boyfriends date me because I’m ‘the hot girl’, then dump me for another flavor.
My earliest memory of these ugly emotions is from when I was about seven years old. My best friend and I were playing with Barbies at recess, and my sister came over to sit with us. She was upset about a boy in her class hitting her, and to make her feel better, my best friend gave her a Barbie. The one with the big pink sparkly dress. The one I always wished I’d had. I threw a fit. It was a full-on fit. I threw the toy at the wall, stomped back into the school, and wailed at the teacher as loudly as I could. (I told you they’re ugly emotions.)
As I grew up, I felt those feelings wash over me frequently, when a model would get the job and I wouldn’t (which is part of the reason I switched to stock photography — no more castings!), when a boyfriend would talk to another woman, or when my sister would get more praise than I did.
It’s like the opposite of schadenfreude, but just as petty: Instead of getting pleasure from others’ misfortunes, I felt torture at their successes. Behind that all was the belief that I was being short-changed, that the situation was unfair, and, sometimes, that I was inadequate.
But back to Jarrod. Before I realized what the underlying emotional problem was, my relationship with Jarrod imploded. I had gotten so paranoid about his traveling that I ended up reading his emails, finding something that looked suspicious (but was actually innocent, in retrospect), and stupidly forwarding it to him with a message akin to screaming “what the hell is this?!” in his face. That ended that. #crazytown
It’s hard for me to admit these flaws (especially to thousands of strangers), but I’ve been learning that it takes a good hard look at your shortcomings to truly get past them.
A lot of people confuse jealousy and envy, but these two emotions are actually quite different from one another. It’s important to tell them apart so that you know which you are truly feeling, and so you can deal with each accordingly. The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the emotion of feeling resentful because someone else has something you want, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.
These kinds of emotions can really mess up your relationship, no matter how perfect you think it is — IF you let them. In fact, it can happen in a number of ways you wouldn’t even think of. Trust me — it’s worth taking some time to get to know it to prevent it from ruining your happy ending. And if the time comes when you’re convinced that the green-eyed monster has gotten hold of you, take action! Once you cross the line, it can pull you down like a quicksand; sucking the breath out right of your relationship.
My breakthrough was both accidental and gradual rather than one climactic, made-for-TV moment. To tell you the truth, aside from my blowout with Jarrod, I didn’t even know the toll these feelings were having on me and my relationships or even realize that they were happening.
Several things I’ve learned over the last decade or so have helped me put things into a healthier perspective:
Comparisons are ‘odious’
The quote “comparisons are odious” has been credited to several esteemed authors. Basically it means that a comparison (especially of people) is repulsive. Jealousy and envy are all about comparisons—and tallying up the differences between one person and yourself, as if life were an accounting game, to make sure you’re not in the red.
Praise, like love, isn’t zero-sum — there’s plenty to go around
I used to bristle when my parents would spend more time with my sister, but I realize now that sort of thing doesn’t detract from me. It’s not like people are rationing out their love, appreciation, or other good feelings like canned food during an apocalypse. There’s an infinite amount to go around. I learned this long, long ago during an episode of Full House where Bob Saget explains that his love is like an endless supply of water and his kids are all teacups, and the love is just overflowing. It just took me a while to understand and really accept that lesson.
It’s important to always be conscious of my feelings and thoughts
Jealousy and envy are gut feelings, and you can nip them in the bud when they rear their ugly heads. But first you have to realize it’s happening. I learned how to do this through meditation, mindfulness training, yoga and therapy. These practices helped me to label my negative feelings as they popped up, and detach myself from them. (Not just saying “I feel a pang of jealousy” but also “I’m feeling nervous” and everything else. In a way, I think people who often have other negative emotions, such as anger, could benefit from these tactics).
All of the above have been efforts to improve myself, but they also ended up changing how I appreciate and interact with others. Do I still get jealous or envious every now and then? Hell, yeah. But as I keep practicing to become a better person, I recognize when I’m starting to turn green and can control these feelings rather than let them control me.ÂÂÂÂÂÂ
I get super jealous when my boyfriend is chatting to other girls – even my own best friend! It’s a pain. The reason for my insecurities is that I know I’m not his type. I know exactly what kind of girls he’s into (appearance) due to whom he says is attractive, and so far I don’t really qualify. Sounds stupid, because we’re in a relationship, but I can’t help it. I never think he’ll cheat on me, I just get jealous for no reason.
I’ve been in a similar place in my relationship recently. I realised that I’m like a dog, trying to please my master, I would do all I could to please my partner, if he didn’t respond in the way I expected I was devastated.
My relationship is all I had (outside of work and family), I was putting all my energy into it, and as it was all I had, I was so afraid of losing it, because then I’d have nothing left of substance.
My partner was so busy with work, while I — had a lot of free time. I had nothing going on outside my relationship. It was my everything. It was putting a lot of pressure on my partner, I was having anxiety attacks, thinking he would leave me.
I had also moved in with him a few months prior, quite a distance from my old life and friends which gave me feelings of isolation.
I was also feeling insecure as I had put on weight and generally felt like I was in a rut.
I’ve since joined the gym to focus some of the energy on myself, improving my self-esteem. I’ve made more of an effort to catch up with friends and generally be more social (going to a movie, having dinner with friends, going to meetup groups). I’ve also been trying to find little hobbies I can get into.
Basically, I got myself more of a life, reclaimed a bit of my individuality outside our relationship and basically stopped relying solely on my partner for my emotional wellbeing.
When I was younger I didn’t realize how toxically jealous I was until a therapist pointed it out. She challenged me change it. Every time I get jealous of something, flip it around so it’s positive.
My ideals always told myself it’s not worth being jealous. Strayed from the path a bit and it was stupid and not worth it. It serves absolutely no purpose. If the person cheats on you they wanted to cheat on you regardless of what happens. Just carry on as hard as it may be.
I’ll take a pass on the drama. I want a confident relationship, that comes from communication and reassurance as needed. It’s work but after a while it becomes habit.
Jealousy never made any logical sense to me, so I don’t believe I’ve ever really felt the systemic version of it. Superficial stuff, sure; like wishing I had my friend’s new hairdo or something. But that sort of “jealousy” is fleeting and only lasts minutes, if that. I doubt it could even be classed in the same category as actual jealousy. The idea of it kind of fascinates me, tbh. I don’t compute it, so I find it really interesting. I can’t imagine wasting so much time and energy worrying over it. I feel honestly bad for folks who truly suffer with jealousy.
That kind of paranoia and insecurity is incredibly exhausting and a sign that something is not okay with your sense of self. I think the really important thing is to recognise that this is coming from within you, that nobody can make you feel this (because it is not automatic that someone doing x makes you feel y) and that it isn’t anyone else’s job to stop you feeling like this (unless they’re a therapist). Are you kind to yourself? Do you take good care of yourself? Are you accepting of yourself? Because fears like you describe often come from a fear that you are not enough. If you don’t accept yourself, you won’t expect anyone else to, either.
My advice for jealous people: find someone you trust, and understand that they are not something to be possessed in the first place.
I suppose I just try to ask myself why I’m feeling that way. Once I start a kind of inner dialogue about the situation, it helps me process the reasons behind it, and I can move beyond it.
I don’t deal with it anymore. It’s just too exhausting for me. If I meet a guy and get jealous I stop the relationship. Then again I haven’t been in a serious relationship for like, 2 years.