We’ve all had arguments that got out of hand. We’ve all said things we’ve later regretted. The next time you’re in a heated discussion, remember these tips to help get your point across with the least amount of stress possible.
1. Keep It Simple
Of course, there’s a material difference between the way we talk to our female friends and the way we talk to our spouses; there has to be. I don’t need to go shopping with Anne, but couples are mutually involved and invested in mandatory domestic matters, including parenting and deciding how to spend money. This obligation naturally makes situations more stressful.
In most cases, spouses do understand each other, but I have found that when I make an effort to consider their feelings and speak in a language that the unique person I’m talking to can easily understand, my message gets across more successfully. We are, after all, in partnership with one another, so sometimes we have to bridge the gap by mastering a common language. First think about how they will feel when they hear what you want to say, then tailor it to them in a way that will help them hear it with the least amount of defensiveness.
2. Tailor Your Content
Every person is interested in different things, and this can manifest itself in conflict over the way we talk to one another. One of the first things we can do to address this difference is to make sure that we’re tailoring our communication to fit our audience. You know exactly what I mean, because this is something we already do with our friends.
Let me give you an example. I am perfectly capable of commenting on the cut of a new coat or the sophistication of a pattern on a silk scarf, but I don’t share these details with my friend Anne, because I know that she’s not at all interested in fashion, and having to listen to me babble on about it would only result in her frustration. Many more intimate relationships (especially between men and women) might also benefit from a similar sensitivity. Why don’t we extend the same courtesy to our spouses as we do to our friends, by focusing our conversation on topics of interest to both of us?
3. Stick To The Matter At Hand
So many of the arguments we have stray from the topic at hand. Once you’re angry, it’s easy to get in touch with every single hurt feeling you’ve had in the relationship, and it takes a great deal of self-control to stop yourself from hurling old accusations, even when they have nothing to do with whatever sparked the original argument.
This can wreck real havoc on our relationships. I realize that banishing the memory — and the impact — of a previous argument or betrayal is easier said than done, but I suggest that you make an attempt, when you are arguing, to restrict your discussion to the immediate incident at hand.
For example, your husband may have made plans to play golf on Mother’s Day last year, but that act of insensitivity has nothing to do with why he has once again forgotten to set aside time to pay the household bills — so don’t muddy the waters by bringing it up. The subject of that long-ago golf game should be considered off-limits for the purposes of your argument about the bills. If you can keep your request to asking him to plan ahead so that he can dispatch the domestic responsibilities he has assumed, your husband will really hear you on the subject, as opposed to tuning out, the way he does when you dredge up something he cannot change.
4. Believe What You Hear
I sat, mouth open in disbelief, as my best friend described her first “relationship discussion” with the new man in her life. He had told her, point-blank, that the priorities in his life were his children from an earlier marriage and getting his new business off the ground. The combination of the two meant that he didn’t have a lot of time or energy for a serious relationship. In fact, the two most recent relationships he’d been in had collapsed because he hadn’t been able to give his partners the time and attention they deserved.
I was dismayed to hear the way this intelligent young woman told her story and parried this man’s every excuse with a reinterpretation of her own. She was intent on barreling headlong into a romance with him, despite the warning shot he’d fired across her bow at the very first opportunity. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone but her when their liaison ended five months later, after countless broken dates and promises. He had told her everything she needed to know, right up front, but she had heard something else because she wanted to. Don’t let that happen to you.
There are 4 laws of communication? Why would you people invent stuff like this?
I seriously can’t believe that a man would say outright that he’s not interested in making his relationship work because he has other priorities! Then why get into the relationship in the first place? Sure, that was a good one that he was very honest about it, but there are times that honesty can do a lot of damage as much as hiding it can. Just because someone is honest about it, it doesn’t mean that you should just move past it and keep being with that person. That’s just so wrong!
I know, how could he?! That’s just an asshole move.
There’s so much about communication that makes it all complicated and it can’t ever be simple. But sometimes it’s as simple as respecting the person you’re conversing with. If you’re talking to your partner, the first impulse is to respect the person. So why bombard the other party of unwanted stories? #1 is actually very important and women can be very TMI about stuff. I sometimes forget that I don’t have to talk about how a male co-worker of mine has a crush on me when I’m about to have dinner with them that includes my man.
When I’m angry I can’t even keep my mouth shut anymore. What’s twice as annoying is that whenever I would try to keep it cool, my husband would always want me to keep talking which would make me bust out of anger because of annoyance.
Most of you better know the difference between forgiving a missed Mother’s Day and emotional and physical abuse. Articles like this can be very misleading to those who are experiencing such and it can even inspire them to tolerate things. Anyone who is desperate to get ‘assurance’ for such behavior will cling to almost any word. It just goes to show that forgiving and forgetting isn’t always a good thing for everybody. There are instances wherein communication should end and we just need to walk away.
I think I would rather discuss less trivial matters like finance and all that with my husband. We do discuss that on a regular basis but during bonding time, our communication is very open and not tailored.
I can also talk about anything under the sun but I do try my best to respect my man and not talk about things that aren’t relatable to him. Although sometimes he’d mention things like he’d take me to a spa for some time together, or maybe some shopping spree whenever I would be feeling down. He’s an amazing man and I would listen to me the same way I would listen to him as well. Communication is a two-way process and you can’t expect one person to listen while the other one doesn’t.
Communication practically means telling that person almost everything there is, right? So how come now you have to filter it?
You only have to filter it because you have to respect that people have different likes and dislikes.
I’m guilty of #3. I think it’s because of unresolved issues as well. So at the end of the day, you just feel like you’re ready to explode and all the past memories of the anger you had before just come crashing down. This is why problems need to be addressed early on rather than letting it all simmer. This is why communication is important and it needs to be done right. However, if there was closure on the previous arguments and you just feel the need to voice it out again, stop yourself. Let the wounds heal.
True, couples should discuss matters instantly.
My bestfriend and I like different things but we both don’t mind listening to each other’s stories. I don’t think tailoring your stories work all the time because the fact that you’re close to someone just puts a point across that it’s all about wanting to listen to the other person even if the topic isn’t at all interesting for you.