We’ve all had arguments that got out of hand. We’ve all said things we’ve later regretted. The next time you’re in a heated discussion, remember these tips to help get your point across with the least amount of stress possible.
1. Keep It Simple
Of course, there’s a material difference between the way we talk to our female friends and the way we talk to our spouses; there has to be. I don’t need to go shopping with Anne, but couples are mutually involved and invested in mandatory domestic matters, including parenting and deciding how to spend money. This obligation naturally makes situations more stressful.
In most cases, spouses do understand each other, but I have found that when I make an effort to consider their feelings and speak in a language that the unique person I’m talking to can easily understand, my message gets across more successfully. We are, after all, in partnership with one another, so sometimes we have to bridge the gap by mastering a common language. First think about how they will feel when they hear what you want to say, then tailor it to them in a way that will help them hear it with the least amount of defensiveness.
2. Tailor Your Content
Every person is interested in different things, and this can manifest itself in conflict over the way we talk to one another. One of the first things we can do to address this difference is to make sure that we’re tailoring our communication to fit our audience. You know exactly what I mean, because this is something we already do with our friends.
Let me give you an example. I am perfectly capable of commenting on the cut of a new coat or the sophistication of a pattern on a silk scarf, but I don’t share these details with my friend Anne, because I know that she’s not at all interested in fashion, and having to listen to me babble on about it would only result in her frustration. Many more intimate relationships (especially between men and women) might also benefit from a similar sensitivity. Why don’t we extend the same courtesy to our spouses as we do to our friends, by focusing our conversation on topics of interest to both of us?
3. Stick To The Matter At Hand
So many of the arguments we have stray from the topic at hand. Once you’re angry, it’s easy to get in touch with every single hurt feeling you’ve had in the relationship, and it takes a great deal of self-control to stop yourself from hurling old accusations, even when they have nothing to do with whatever sparked the original argument.
This can wreck real havoc on our relationships. I realize that banishing the memory — and the impact — of a previous argument or betrayal is easier said than done, but I suggest that you make an attempt, when you are arguing, to restrict your discussion to the immediate incident at hand.
For example, your husband may have made plans to play golf on Mother’s Day last year, but that act of insensitivity has nothing to do with why he has once again forgotten to set aside time to pay the household bills — so don’t muddy the waters by bringing it up. The subject of that long-ago golf game should be considered off-limits for the purposes of your argument about the bills. If you can keep your request to asking him to plan ahead so that he can dispatch the domestic responsibilities he has assumed, your husband will really hear you on the subject, as opposed to tuning out, the way he does when you dredge up something he cannot change.
4. Believe What You Hear
I sat, mouth open in disbelief, as my best friend described her first “relationship discussion” with the new man in her life. He had told her, point-blank, that the priorities in his life were his children from an earlier marriage and getting his new business off the ground. The combination of the two meant that he didn’t have a lot of time or energy for a serious relationship. In fact, the two most recent relationships he’d been in had collapsed because he hadn’t been able to give his partners the time and attention they deserved.
I was dismayed to hear the way this intelligent young woman told her story and parried this man’s every excuse with a reinterpretation of her own. She was intent on barreling headlong into a romance with him, despite the warning shot he’d fired across her bow at the very first opportunity. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone but her when their liaison ended five months later, after countless broken dates and promises. He had told her everything she needed to know, right up front, but she had heard something else because she wanted to. Don’t let that happen to you.
We’ve been communicating for ages, yet it’s something that we can’t master. It’s really such a complicated thing for all relationships. Whether it’s within the family or marriage. Sometimes, my husband and I still discuss how we can communicate with each other properly even though we’ve been married for more than 10 years already. We want our marriage to work so we really do sit down and ask about the things that we need to improve on. Sometimes he’d say that he still doesn’t understand the things that upset me because there are times that I’d be okay with something, and then the minute after I’m not okay with it. Women are so complicated, I guess!
Sometimes I feel like it’s natural for women to hurl past arguments towards new ones. I’ve met a couple of men who do that too but then I think women are the most guilty of all. We only do that when we were really hurt by that past incident though, so I can’t really say it’s a wrong thing to do. But I do agree that if you want to have a peaceful relationship, we should move on from past arguments. I also think that when you can’t move on from something, it means that you haven’t forgiven. So I guess it’s best that you learn how to forgive first.
I agree that you really have to try your best to move on from old arguments. I myself wouldn’t want to be blamed for issues of the past and I do get upset especially when I know that I’ve said sorry about that mistake so many times already.
Men who can’t bear to talk about girl topics aren’t the husband type. Why? Well, if by any chance that we get pregnant and we get a daughter, does that mean that he won’t talk to them because kids doesn’t necessarily know how to tailor their content?
Let’s just say not all men are like that.
I can’t believe how this article just made fun of the level of men’s understanding.
If you really love a person, it would be easy for us to talk to our loved ones with utmost respect. Sometimes, we just have to accept that we’ve lost basic ideals just because we are around our partners for too long.?
I get so frustrated talking to my boyfriend sometimes. It seems like the more I get into the detail of what upsets me, the more he misunderstands me. But if I don’t get into detail, he asks for a deeper explanation. I love him, okay? But it’s very frustrating that it’s so hard for men to understand how a girl feels and that men are also complicated like women. That’s how our conversations work so we just end up getting so frustrated to the point that we just decide that we shouldn’t talk about it. But most of the time, it results to unresolved conflict.
That must be really devastating. I had a previous relationship that’s like that and it’s not nice at all.
Banish that old memory of your argument if you really want it all to last. Who would want to date someone who can’t even forgive and forget.
If you want a relationship to last, you have to invest more than just energy to it. If you can even make it a top priority, meaning prioritizing it more than your career, you should. It’s a pain, actually, but since you wanted to get married and be with that person, you shouldn’t do it half-heartedly. I also think it’s the main reason why most marriages don’t work. Because how do you expect to communicate with your wife or spouse properly if you two only see each other for about a few hours a day just because you’re too busy with work? I know it’s still a priority to earn money, but I’m just saying that if you really want to prioritize this, it won’t be easy…
You guys know the saying about how jokes are half meant? I think that’s what this article is trying to say with regards to the 4th law. With arguments, I also think that whatever we say are half meant even when we’re angry. However, most of it is our frustrations and we may have wanted to end a relationship and we said it out loud, we still love the person and we don’t want to lose them. It’s not the first time that I heard couples argue saying “I’m breaking up with you” only to actually mean that they want to stay together longer.