A guy friend once told me that I’m “not like other girls.” He meant it as a compliment, but it left a lump in my throat that made it impossible for me to get my thanks out. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t want to thank him for this so-called compliment at all.
I knew what he meant: you’re not a “girly-girl.” You don’t obsess over nail polish and twirl your hair while smacking pink bubblegum and talking about the latest celebrity gossip. You’re not an airhead. Not like those other girls.
But when did all other girls become airheads? This compliment equates girlhood with vapidity, a mentality I wish we’d left behind in middle school. But it keeps following us, a grown-up (but not any more mature) version of “girls have cooties.”
I spent most of my middle school years buying into the “not like other girls” myth. I rejected pink and didn’t wear makeup and read a lot of books to prove I wasn’t a feminine ninny. I wanted to have mostly guy friends because being friends with girls was “too much drama.” I look back on this time and groan because it’s internalized misogyny at its finest. No girl should feel like she’s in the wrong for being feminine, but it’s a phenomenon that’s much too common.
The worst part about it is that, in an effort to become “one of the boys” so that I wasn’t like other girls, I missed out being friends with other girls for a long time. And, contrary to what this “compliment” would have you believe, other girls are awesome. My girlfriends are one of the greatest parts of my life, and they’re the most exceptional people I know.
Contrary to what this “compliment” would have you believe, other girls are awesome.
I did it because the compliment “not like other girls” forces women into a competition none of us agreed to, where the goal is to lessen our femininity. But girlhood isn’t something I want to break out of, it’s something I want to celebrate. Things we consider ditzy–lipstick, high heels, pretty dresses, too many pillows on the bed–are fun things girls should be able to enjoy without any negative connotations. And if I can love them all and graduate with a higher GPA than the guy who allegedly complimented me, it’s because enjoying girlhood doesn’t make me a ninny.
The truth is, I’m not like other girls. Neither is my sister, or my cousin, or my best friend, or my roommate, or the girl who sat next to me on the subway this morning. We’re all different from each other because—get this—we’re actual people with actual personalities. A subtlety the dude who insists I’m “not like other girls” just can’t grasp.
When I told my guy friend this, he rolled his eyes and told me I was overanalyzing. But language is where our thoughts start. It’s what we use to express ourselves. And what we’re expressing here is a deep-seated disgust for femininity that’s engrained in the words we use every day. It’s about time we changed that.
Read more: Does Our Language Discourage Women?
Have you ever been told you’re not like other girls?
It’s very sad to see so many girls and women internalize these ideas that women are vile and superficial and alienate other women. I wish people wouldn’t fuel the stereotypes, wouldn’t choose to believe in them, and really just look around at the women and girls in their lives and realize that really none of them fit that vile stereotype. People are multidimensional. There is no woman who only cares about handbags.
This is probably the most important observation in a beautifully spot-on and quite heart-breaking post. 50-odd years of feminism and there have still left many women feeling inferior in everything they do, think, and feel – to be cool, they feel they have to emulate the lads. Imagine this turned round (for more than a pick-up line): “I’m not like other guys – I, too, like >insert ANY propagated female interest<" Equally cool to as many?
Me, I'm just happy I can ignore football and cars 🙂
Thank you so much for this! Such a great piece that beautifully expressed the seething frustration I feel when I hear this.
Well said. I used to think girls were too much drama, now I think people in general are. I still have no interest in a large group of girlfriends. I think that the pressure of having to be “perfect” is what really creates the drama. Thank you for your inspiring words.
How do I make the entire universe read this post? ???
Thank you. As one of the many girls who are not like the others, thank you very much for this.
My feelings exactly. I wish I could hug this post. So beautifully written for a world obsessed with finding and loving one self. Our very being and selves are beautiful enough. Thanks you for this. 🙂
Hey Sister,
Thanks for that article, it came at the right time and answers so many questions for me.?
xoxo,
Helen
What you said was beautiful and really resonates with me. I heard it a lot, like “you are not like other girls” and I would say “I know ‘coz I was just being me and I am a woman”. Thank you for the reminder of this perspective. It does feel SO good when I am not trying to be anything but myself, or trying to figure out who that was. I’m going to come back and read and reread this a few times. 😀
Well-written article!!! For me, “you’re not like most girls” would be more acceptable than “you’re not like the other girls.” Yeah, the second one would have a negative impact on me!!! I can’t explain why…
Amazing! I love this perspective. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this topic. I realized I’m not like other girls, but I’m also not like other people.
I’m my own person and I love that. And I can show people that without saying it. 🙂