When I decided I wanted to stay out of the dating world for a while, I was met with a variety of reactions. From “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone,” to “Sure, you want to be single now, but wouldn’t it be great if you met the right guy?”, it was clear that few people supported the decision.
I chose to stay single because I was so extraordinarily happy with the people and work in my life and didn’t want to rearrange any of it to make room for a significant other. But as soon as I dropped dating from my priorities list, a lot of people seemed determined to put it back. The advocacies for online dating, the offers to set me up, and the insistences that I’d change my mind, if only I found the right guy, were endless.
My feminist side was miffed. Here I was, young and unbearably happy and surrounded by people trying to convince me that my life was imperfect because it didn’t include a guy. Even though we say we’re past the idea that a woman needs a man to be complete, in practice it seems we’re not.
What kind of message are we sending when we encourage our girlfriends to find a man, even when she’s professed a desire to remain single for a while? Romance is wonderful, but it’s hardly the only thing worth living for. If a woman chooses to focus on her career, her friends, or something as simple as having the entire mattress to herself, why can’t we support that?
Despite the progress feminism has made, it seems we still see an unmarried woman as a failure. I have known so many successful, happy single women who are pitied and looked down upon –as if something is fundamentally wrong with them because they aren’t married– a phenomenon much rarer for single men.
It’s important to learn how to create happiness from within, rather than looking to the external world for personal fulfillment. Everyone should to take some time alone to understand the difference between alone and lonely. To enjoy time with friends, and develop individuality and independence. We should encourage young women to enjoy singledom as a time of personal and professional growth and realization. Instead, we share dating advice.
Despite all this, the benefits of single life are starting to gain popularity. More people live alone now than ever before. 15 million people in the US between the ages of 35 and 64 choose to remain single. They’ve escaped the pressure to commit to a relationship and opted to enjoy single life instead. This often gives them more opportunities to be social, and to build their career, than married life would. So why can’t we encourage that choice—or at least respect it?
It all ties back to the traditional family values we cling to. For those who do choose to date, more expectations aren’t far behind: When are you going to get married? Are you going to have kids? How are you going to raise them? From the dolls we played house with, to politicians who give commencement speeches telling us to get married and have kids, we’ve been schooled on what we should want. Apparently, we should want to see women married and raising 2.5 kids behind white picket fences. But in this time of change and reevaluation of marriage, can’t we allow people to dispense with these notions all together?
Women exist outside marriage and motherhood, a concept that we all should’ve internalized a long time ago. Instead of shoving girls into relationships, we should encourage each other to take time for ourselves. Enjoy singledom while you have it. That’s not to say we should all give up on love and marriage; both are beautiful, valuable things. But being single is as well, and it’s time we acknowledged that.
Have you ever chosen to remain single for a while? Share your singledom stories in the comments!
Being single – i have never done more, seen more, learnt more skills, talked to more people in the last 4 years Ive been on my own. Having a partner does cramp your style some times and can effectively disable you for all sorts of reasons. Just now and then loneliness pokes its head up and I get exasperated by the apoarent lack of suitable partners. But i keep bouncing back and remember that im willing to bet a lot of coupled people envy me. You cant delegate your happiness to someone else. You goyta find it in yourself.
Hugs for you all the singletons. XO
SUCH a good point! If you’re lonely, it’s best to find ways to deal with it while you’re alone. Bad relationships happen when people seek to fill the “lonely” void.
I’m in my mid 30’s and unmarried. I have had the constant questions and really silly comments such as dont you want to get married? When are you going to get married? You must keep in mind you’re not getting any younger. I attended a friends birthday party and a former work colleague literally yelled at me to get married and have children as I dont want to be alone when I am older. I decided to stay away from certain people now. They may care but they ALL lack common sense they are not telling or asking me anything I have not thought about myself.
You are right to ignore and avoid people who make judgments and try to tell you how to live your life. Unfortunately it’s not always easy – but you can minimise contact and avoid getting into conversations about the topic with people who don’t know you, and basically don’t care either. Starting a family to avoid being alone in your old age is a very old, very worn out and very untrue reasoning. There’s no guarantee you won’t be alone if you have kids – you might just not get along well with them, and there’s always a way to find company elsewhere at any age. Most people who want to tell you how to live your life don’t know how to live theirs either. Those who tell you you should get married do it because they think it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the right thing for you, or anyone in particular. We are all capable of being happy and finding love in fulfilling relationships even if we don’t have a partner, and partner is no guarantee we will be happy.
Thanks!!! That IS true. Of course I want to get married but its not like I can just pluck anyone off the street. I am much better now I have avoided certain people and when I see they coming my way say a quick hello and go on my way.
“There’s no guarantee you won’t be alone if you have kids – you might just not get along well with them, and there’s always a way to find company elsewhere at any age.” –> Excellent points!!
I am single and happy with it. I feel irritated when someone wants to know why I am still single and not getting married. They keep asking the same thing again and again in one way or the other. Moreover, they feel that I am not comfortable in discussing this matter. To make things even worse, sometimes these people claim to be my “well-wishers”, whatever that means. Also I found it even more irritating when someone asks or I should say “interrogate” my parents about the issue. I wonder why they are so interested in something that my mother is not interested in?
Love this article. So many good points. It can be really annoying when our life choices are not so mainstream – everyone wants to teach us and get us on the “right” path. But just ignore them, and try not to get upset – everyone has their own opinions about what is best in life, and mostly those people who want you to get married, have children, do this and that – are the ones least happy with their own lives. People who are happy will never tell you how you should live, because they know it’s different for everyone. Take care.
WhatI just feel like if people are judging you for not being in a relationship or married envy your freedom. Let’s face it marriage and commitment is hard work. And it’s not all what it’s crack up to be. A lot of married folk stay married knowing they’re miserable. But they stay because divorce is frown upon, and cost too much to get or they stay because of the kids. I want to get married one day but I’m not rushing because it’s a lot. I feel like take your time, really rushing or trying to meet society standards is silly. nd being single is not lonely, you can still date many people, and do what you want. Society needs to chillax.
The grass is always greener on the other side! People in relationships envy singles, singles envy couples. The bottom line is if you’re not happy in your own skin, another person or a relationship will not make you happy either. You’ll always find a reason to be unhappy and will always be disappointed by your life. Thanks for chipping in this wonderful article.
Thank you for a good article, I have been combating this for a while. Im a 32 year old single woman and as tough as it is, it has it’s perks, although Im not going to lie it sucks sometimes.
The truth of the matter is every human being has value and deserves to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuite of happiness. It’s even written into the Constitution. The rest is just preference and opinion.
If a person has a very strong desire to find a partner, they will probably find one. If they feel they must find one in order to be happy because every one else does – well – I don’t suppose that is actually a reason to go off your rocker about it. Each person is individual. Some people have very strong connections with their friends and other relations. And some are married and have miserable “unions”.
We’re all grown ups. Each person can decide for themselves what makes them happy. Everyone may dance to their own drummer as it makes them happy.
Despite what the majority believes single is not lonely, it’s in fact liberating. I’ve always considered myself a positive single. 🙂
I knew it wasn’t just me who was getting the pity speak and nonsense from people. Give me a great friend to share with and a great vibrator at home over an obligated relationship ANY day! ?????