Whores, tarts, hags, strumpets and mistresses are all names from the Victorian era, given to female aberrations. This is not the bad girl who after a few beers on a Friday has wild sex with a stranger then swiftly back to routine by Monday morning. No, I am directing you to those who loiter at the outer reaches of society. The women who we love to hate; who are lost in a chasm; in no (wo)man’s land!
The fear is that once a woman has moved outside of society’s acceptable boundaries, she isn’t allowed back in. To the patriarchal world, these women and ‘sex’ are synonymous — but not in an acceptable way. Take the fear, when we were growing up, of being seen as a slut for sleeping with a guy too soon; the worry that he would judge us and think we weren’t worth the second phone call. If it got out about our promiscuity, socially, we might as well be dead.
At thirteen years old, I remember feeling suicidal from shame after one night of fornication in a fishing tent. The boy was fifteen, confident, and with his friend. They bantered whilst smoking cigarettes as my friend, Angela, and I tried to appear cool. The guy who she fancied suddenly started kissing me. I didn’t enjoy it but I didn’t have the guts to say no. His hands darted down there. I shoved him off and ran all the way home, leaving a scowling Angela behind. It was only a few days before the whispering began. I was suddenly branded Angela’s slutty ex-friend. And while I was tortured, the boy who caused me so much shame gloated, happily.
This level of degradation should never be accepted.
Throughout history, the bad girl has been portrayed as a depraved outsider. No matter what people say in public about how they think porn isn’t a big deal, I bet I’m right when I say that they likely find those exact porn stars just too much too bear. They are, after all, conformation of absolute misogyny. Sex on camera per se is not problematic, but the dominant (violently misogynistic) form of porn is. Any movement, no matter how purportedly ‘liberating’, that portrays men as dominant is hardly radical.
If we look around, we can see how society has arranged itself around men’s wants. The sex industry fulfills the whore narrative and lets the wives and girlfriends remain chaste. Although these ‘chaste’ wives and girlfriends are now being encouraged to act like the whore — or risk him having love affairs with porn under the banner of male entitlement.
Take Charlie Sheen’s porn star ex, Bree Olson, and her recent confessions via YouTube. In the video, which went viral, Olson bemoans ‘society’ and its lack of acceptance of her past work, and in particular her troubles when trying to forge a mainstream career. Bree is quick to add that there’s nothing wrong with porn. She’s just frustrated by how people will treat her for the rest of her life.
The porn star is ripe for public revulsion. Their sexuality is imprisoned by men, labelled forever as both desirous and disgusting. Many women, like Bree, entered the industry thinking that they were embracing their sexuality, but it merely emerged as a trick that’s restricted her options forever. Although this is sad for her, and other women in this situation, the truth is that what they represent is deeply oppressive.
Ask any female porn star and they swear they’re empowered every-time, with mentions of $20k monthly paychecks, but that’s the only thing they do get. Money comes and goes but their degradation is crystallised. This should never be accepted.
As young women, we quickly learn that our value is in our sexual offerings, and our search for validation is set up to align with this. The industry works in synergy with these preconceptions, with promises of adoration and money for the starlet. Little do they know that this bonus was collateral damage for future ostracizing. At the grand age of 29, Bree has had to return to sex-cam work, with the hope of crossing over into ‘the movies’ one day. Due to her big profile, this is all but impossible, despite having amassed six years worth of filmed footage. She sums up her experience: ‘The words (on the internet) are something I didn’t expect to affect me in my everyday life. When I go out, I feel as if I’m wearing ‘slut’ across my forehead.’
The saturation of porn has laid ground for multitudes of instances where people are living in regret — as more are entering the sex industry than ever before. When Bree Olson bewails society, she should really turn her rage to the industry that normalized her downfall.
People will always have preconceived notions of who you are based on your appearance and your actions. Especially if you are female. It’s always been true, both men and women contribute to it and I ask you to show me one person who doesn’t think that way. People will always use appearance as their first line of judgement because that’s what animals do. But armed with the knowledge of how society will react to one’s specific actions, they can’t be surprised when there’s backlash as a result of their actions. Obviously no one has the right to touch another human being without their consent, and I am in no way implying that anyone is “asking” for anything.
Women should not have to adjust their behaviour to be complacent with men’s expectations and they should not have to . That is not respect, that is not moving forward. A few decades ago, a white person and a black person couldn’t use the same drinking fountain. That was the world they lived in; just like this current world is the world that women live in. Unfortunately for women, we live in a world where we have to be careful where we go, what we do and how we dress because we’re women. It wasn’t all that long ago we weren’t even allowed to vote. Just because it’s crappy and difficult to change doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to change it.
I want a world where people care and care enough to take personal responsibility. It’s true you can’t control outside forces, but that doesn’t mean you should numb yourself to outside influences. For both men and women. In the end, the question everyone needs to ask themselves is ‘but does that make it right?’
Depending on the person you are, it will give you a different answer, but the deeper you delve, the more you realise it’s through your own differences, your own personal responsibility, your own choices that make you unique to who you are while we’re alive.
People often don’t think about things for the right reasons, but I know that giving everyone special treatment, or ‘self-entitled freedoms’ only means that people will take it for granted down the line. So what does it truly fix? If people want respect, it’s through constant effort and the will to live. And it’s through caring that shows how worthy you are and how strong your will is to live.
This has got to be one of the best articles I’ve read on Urbanette. Thank you Vikki. This was a fantastic article and sums up everything I think every time I see a slut-shaming post, comment, or article.
It’s time to stop slut shaming women. Unless we are going to slut shame men too. It does not make sense at all!! And it men want to lay around with any woman, the how the hell can they slut shame women?
Name calling is childish and it’s demenaing to the person who does the name calling as well.. So fed up hearing women calling each other derogatory names as bitch, slut, or any other demeaning name. It’s just wrong. And I won’t watch a show that calls women these names. Too many tv shows and movies that perpetuate it. Grow up and realize you are being one if you call someone a name just to try and make yourself feel better and make them look bad. It’s disgusting. I had a friend that called another of my firends a bitch and I unfriended her in person. It doesn’t fly with me. Just don’t tolerate it from anyone, period!
Things slut shamers really need to understand:
We do not give a single ef whether they respect us or not. The point is not to gain their respect. The point is to dismantle a system that justifies and encourages violence against women by policing and denouncing female sexuality.
Strangers can and do have sex with each other. if you don’t like that idea, then don’t have sex with strangers. MORALITY IS SUBJECTIVE.
Sex life has nothing to do with how much self respect women have. Except maybe that as the self esteem grows, they are more comfortable doing pretty much anything sexually. Even if they had no self respect at all, THAT’S NOT THEIR EFFING BUSINESS.
The amount of respect someone has for themselves should not impact whether you respect them or not. They need to think about that for a second.
I’ve always been of the conviction that no person should be told what their sex life should be like. Having more then one partner is just as valid as having one, and nobody should be obliged to be married. As far as I can tell these are all shamed because of social traditions that exist for the sake of tradition, and dare I say traditions that are in place thanks to the patriarchy?
I am all for the elimination of slut-shaming, as far as sexuality goes people really need to learn to mind their own business. Sex can be a beautiful thing it does not need to be treated with such scorn.
I absolutely agree! I think the world would be a much better place if people could simply learn to NOT CARE what others do privately. So many problems would be averted if people could just learn to mind their own business once in a while.
We live in a double-standard society. Men can be called sluts, whores, etc and be praised because it shows off their masculinity. Yet, for women, it is just the opposite. Slut has such a negative connotation when it refers to women but positive for men. Its sad to live in a world that has such double standards but i think what its worse is that women, themselves, are enforcing these double standards. 99% of the time women are the ones referring to each other as sluts in a negative way. In order for things to change, women have to make the first move by removing the the negative connotations with the word slut.
I I think everyone has a right to express their sexuality, but no one has a right to label someone’s actions. I agree with the article about this being a double standard. For women it’s a negative thing. Yet women are the ones who seem to use this type of language on each other even when the other isn’t even showcasing their sexuality. it’s become a word simply used to degrade another woman just simply because she’s prettier or attracts more guys.