Spice, as you all know, is the secret recipe to any good dish. A good amount of it brings out the flavor — the zing — that everyone wants to taste. Just like with food, a healthy and exciting relationship results from the right combination of personality differences. But no matter how well a couple gets along, you can expect to have the occasional conflict. But there’s a silver lining! Believe it or not, the differences, along with some amount of healthy fighting, can actually bring couples closer.
Some of the personality differences may not come out during the early stages of the relationship. More often than not, we filter out what we don’t want to see. God knows, I’ve had my share of turning a blind eye! But as we spend more time together, and as we get comfortable and become more intimate, even the seemingly trivial things could become reasons for arguments, leading to fights. Instead of avoiding conflict and argument, couples must learn to engage in smart fights.
Fighting is normal — what’s important is how the conflict is managed. The way a couple manages the conflict determines if they are headed for a breakup or not.
In school, we’re trained on how to apply certain skills, but not how to succeed in relationships nor how to manage conflicts. This is something we need to teach ourselves – and it’s more important than anything we ever learned in school.
When partners learn to “fight well’’ – that is, fighting without ego and without determining a loser – they become happier and more secure in each other’s company.
When conflict or disagreement sets in, we often find ourselves clueless as to how we should handle the situation without having to hurt each other’s feelings. Here are some ways we can make sure both parties leave unscathed when conflicts arise:
1. Love your opponent
Your “opponent” here is your partner. You may want to argue with him but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly with him. While expressing your opinions (maybe with matching hand gestures and all), remain considerate of his (or her) feelings. Be wary of the tone and volume of your voice. This way, you’re more likely to achieve a friendly discussion instead of a heated argument.
2. Speak up, and then shut up
Don’t make the mistake of holding the grudge as long as you can until stress builds up and explodes like a gigantic deadly bubble. Speak up, but keep your arguments short and sweet. Condense your bottom-line point to a short sentence. When you notice that both you and your partner are only blabbering over old issues, stop – it’s time to wave that white flag of friendliness.
3. Maintain respect
Name calling or blaming should not have any place in the argument. Asking your partner, “What’s wrong with you?”, or speaking in a condescending manner, won’t help resolve your argument. Attacking your mate even in an indirect verbal manner definitely won’t help your relationship, since this type of discourse is disrespectful and arrogant.
4. Play while you fight
A good fight is actually within the couple’s play zone. You may be wrestling hard with your partner’s idea but when there’s the spirit of play, the argument is also a form of play that both engages you, allows you and your partner to have fun and fool around, and teaches you new ideas. A playful fight can even be a form of foreplay… remember Mr. and Mrs. Smith??
5. Argue with your partner in person
It is very important for a couple to read each other’s mind while fighting; try to understand what they’re feeling and see things from their perspective. The couple can only do this in relatively close proximity, when they can see each other’s eyes and (hopefully) read a thousand unspoken words from there. This is the same reason why “personal talks” are often discussed face to face, not over the phone or via emails and texts.
6. Bury the skeletons
Keep arguments short, direct, and within the issue. It’s not healthy to bring up the past, particularly the issues that have already been resolved. Only discuss the current issue that’s been bothering you. Digging up past hurts will not only emotionally overwhelm both of you but will also lead you away from what your are trying to resolve.
7. Don’t try to be the winner
Admit when you’re wrong, and suppress the instinct to prove you’re the “right” or “wronged” party. If you have a need to be seen as the winner, you’ll do so at the loss of the relationship. The best approach is to compromise or –especially in trivial matters– maybe admit you were wrong even if you don’t think you were (depending on the situation, of course), just to end the argument and make your partner feel heard.
When you notice that both you and your partner are only blabbering over old issues, stop – it’s time to wave that white flag of friendliness.
Couples who learn how to manage conflicts grow more connected to each other. When couples create an environment where differences are respectfully expressed, understood, and accepted, then the bonds of trust and intimacy are strengthened. Some of these points may seem difficult in the heat of the moment, but just remember: Would you rather be right — or happy?
Fighting is normal.. Don’t try to act like you’re perfect because you’re just human and so is your partner. Always admit mistakes that are really yours. Never be one-sided too. Others think that just because you think you’re right, you will always be right.
Constructive arguments can be good for your relationship Not entirely good because arguments still have negative feelings attached to it, but you get what I mean. As long as you keep your boundaries and allow emotional expression even while you’re in that edge of anger, weathering the storm still allows couples to see clear skies. Avoiding abuse may it be verbal or physical is also important. We all know how that’s not healthy at all and it’s not supposed to be a part of a good relationship.
I just hope others don’t take this the wrong way and they start thinking that any argument is necessary just to keep the relationship going. It’s healthy once in a while but never force an argument for the sake of it.
Others actually do that, it’s pretty pointless and stupid as well. I’ve met men who do that for the sake of making the relationship look “real”.
Fighting is like forging steel. When repeatedly done, it is forged into something stronger. It can actually improve an individual, because certain flaws can be straightened and corrected to result to something greater.
New sides of people can emerge in any argument. Sometimes even after you’ve been together for so many years you could still find a new personality or trait that you never knew existed. Just remember to accept the new sides as well. Because that’s how two people who love each other do it.
Yep, it’s not like you only agreed to accept the first few personalities of the person then reject the rest.?
When you’re facing someone who is clearly upset, never tell the person that you do not agree with them. Not everyone will agree at a certain point and this is why arguments happen. That could get really annoying…
There are times that I would rather be right than happy, depending on an argument. I’m with a man who constantly cheats and denies it until I have proof of it. I know that most of you would even say, then why are you still with him? I have kids with him, that’s why. And as of the moment, there’s no way I could support my children without him, not just yet. While I’m in the process of saving up for my kid’s future without him knowing, I have to bear with constant arguments about him at least trying to respect me. I don’t think that happy will ever be an option anymore so I’d rather be right.
Most of the time, it’s really true that people just need to learn how and when to stop. When people are emotional, everything gets crazy and everything is almost unavoidable.
We all deserve a productive argument within relationships. It’s a healthy part of relationship anyways.?
Wow, I would love to follow all these tips, but when your guy just can’t argue productively, it gets crazy. It’s mostly women who enjoy healthy arguments, men would either just let you talk until your saliva turns dry and some won’t even let you talk at all. Hopefully this can be adressed to men too, because most of them, they’re the ones who are in dire need of a better argument. Men just suck being verbal. Half of their population can’t express themselves properly and most would keep their opinions to themselves and burst out of anger and we’re all like, “What???”
That’s exactly what you need to avoid.