Recently, a female friend of mine remarked that she preferred being friends with men, rather than women. She smiled as she said that she found men easier to get along with. “They don’t always talk about clothes, makeup, men or children, are not so critical, and most of all, they are less vicious and jealous than women. Women hate other women.” Almost immediately, she realized that she made a faux-pas and changed the subject.
Initially I felt resentful about what she had said. ‘Typical’, I thought, ‘here’s another example of women hating women.’ But then it got me thinking – was there any truth in what she said? Are women really that critical and vicious, particularly with other women? Do women judge other women more harshly?
While we would hate to admit it, there could be a grain of truth in what she said. I remember the countless times when I have heard a woman make a less than flattering comment about another woman’s appearance. Or the times I saw a girlfriend relish in criticizing another woman based on any range of issues, from her looks to her character to who she dates, etc, like: “She’s put on weight since the last time I saw her – that dress seems a little tight, doesn’t it?” Or passive-aggressive snips, like “She’s lost weight. Of course, she spends a lot of time looking after herself. I myself hardly find the time – I am so busy looking after my family, you know. I like to do all the housework myself”. The implication being that the other woman who lost weight is a narcissist who neglects her family.
And I certainly know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of harsh and unfounded remarks.
Do these situations sound familiar? Many women are instinctively wary of another woman who is better looking, and happy to find fault in them. Look at the comments that are made about female stars, every time they gain half a pound or step out looking less than perfect. Or how viciously we comment about pretty women when they start losing their looks.
These comments are not all made by women – men can be just as bad or worse. But how many times do women make similar comments about a man?
Actor Ashley Judd speaks about this in her blog, citing the unkind comments directed at her when her face appeared bloated in photographs. The actor had to clarify that the puffiness was due to flu and sinus medication, and not plastic surgery. But even if it had been from plastic surgery — why should we criticize her for that? Why not, instead, have empathy about how we all live in a society that puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on women to stay young looking? Ashley Judd also mentioned how she was called a pig and cow when she gained weight, and states that “this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.”
And are things any different at the workplace? We keep talking of how men discriminate against women at work – but do women treat each other any better? Many working women will tell you that women are as bad as men when it comes to sexist discrimination. Most women openly say that would prefer to work for a male boss, and women bosses have been criticized for being more supportive to male employees.
If this is true, the question is why. Why are women so critical and cruel to their own sex? One reason could be that women have been conditioned to accept the patriarchal view – that is, women need to be put down, bullied and discriminated against to keep them oppressed. So unconsciously, we do the same. We are cruel and vicious with women, but not with men, because we accept that men should not be criticized – they have the right to their follies, wrinkles, ambition and defects, while women do not.
In the workplace specially, it is easier for a female boss to side with the men and treat women as inferior. That way she blends right in with her male colleagues and also eliminates any competition for herself from other women.
Yes, perhaps a lot of it has to do with social conditioning over centuries. But then… wait a moment. Half of society is comprised of women — so should we not accept 50 percent of the blame? As women, we face discrimination every day. So why don’t we support another woman when she is discriminated against? Why do we continue to discriminate against women? Why do we feel competitive and insecure around beautiful women? As bosses, why don’t we mentor our female employees, and as employees why don’t we support female bosses?
Yes, society, religion, the media, and even Disney pits women against women. But that is not an excuse — we must educate ourselves so that we can rise above our conditioning. The fight against gender inequality can never be won if we continue to propagate gender injustice. Women need to stand together in support of each other and work to bring about a change in society. We can achieve a lot if we simply choose to support each other and stand together as a sisterhood.
So let’s do it – support and care for each other and make sure that when a woman needs help, it is always available to her – especially from other women.
Sometimes, it feels like the only way that I can bond with someone that I don’t know very well is bringing up our mutual dislike for someone else. It’s a real conversation piece, I get that. I hate to say that it’s kind of fun. But there is a line, a very thin one, between casual chit-chat and a full on attack of character. Be aware.
Women’s misogynist behaviour towards each other exposes something deep and dark within women’s relationships. Underneath the popular image of women being good at relationships lies a reality that blocks our ability to support, protect and fight for each other. Something is causing women to hate each other, to feel jealous of each other and to tear each other down. Something is teaching women to use the language and weapons of patriarchy against each other.
When we start catching ourselves trashing another person, when we can be really mindful of our actions, that’s when a habit is broken. Own up to your slip-ups. It’s like any other bad habit, it just takes a little time and a little discipline to get through.?
I am tired of women being called catty, bitchy, insecure, and unfriendly. I am tired of the gossip. I am tired of that feeling that makes me shift in my seat whenever a woman I’ve never met walks into the room. I am tired of feeling like I have to look her up and down and asses how I match up to her. I am tired of hearing about the “sluts” and the “whores” that run around our campuses, especially when those words come out of a fellow woman’s mouth.
Most of us are tired too. We should try to do baby steps in order to stop it at some point, even if it’s just a development that we can do amongst ourselves.
This is not the first time I have experienced women agreeing en masse about women’s criticism of each other. I heard a roomful of female university students share their experiences of female misogyny. My female clients and those who attend my ‘women’s power circles’ tell stories of girlfriends, female colleagues and female relatives criticising them for speaking their truth, for standing up for their rights and for not putting up with being silenced or dismissed. Too often I hear women admitting that it is women’s criticism more than men’s, “that you have to watch out for”. Why do so many women feel unsupported and criticised by other women and feel that they are not given a hand-up in their careers? Where is the good old boys’ network for girls? Where is the feeling of sorority and solidarity amongst women?
Jealousy is rife among girls and women.
I frequently see women react with thinly veiled jealousy when they see other women stepping up and claiming a level of entitlement they can only dream of. An entitlement they either don’t know how to, or don’t feel entitled to claim for themselves.
Do you judge? Do you say harsh words? Do you gossip? Do you look to elevate others? Do you celebrate other women? Are you kind and supportive to the women or girls who are younger than you? Are you respectful and loving to the ones who are older than you? Women have a major untapped resource – and that resource is each other. What goes around comes around. Love and support those around you, and that love and support magically returns right back to us.?
This world has molded women, shaped women to seek out their place, their numerical rank amongst their peers. And we are taught to climb to the top by stepping on everyone else’s heads on the way up.
I guess that’s also a factor why we get so insecure when we’re not our best self.
Shit talk is a learned behavior that results from our inclination to compete with other women. Our favorite movies from the early 2000’s taught us that men will only want you after you’ve replaced your glasses with contact lenses or you’ve straightened your hair. You, a woman, have been led to believe that your stake in this world is dependent on who you are prettier than. If it’s not about looks it’s about your behavior. Your reputation.