I don’t know about you, but I feel like there’s a lot of confusing advice out there when it comes to dating. You should do this, you shouldn’t do that–it seems like there’s a lot of rules that have more to do with trying to please or not push away a guy rather than tools for creating a truly intimate relationship. I think this must be a female thing. Do you see any men’s magazines with headlines like “Find Out What She’s Thinking,” and “20 Ways to Wow Her”? As women, we really do tend to take too much responsibility for other people’s feelings. As they say, step one is being aware that you have a problem (jk).
I’d like you to take all of those rules and chuck them out the window. They’re mostly about trying to control the other person’s reactions and interest. This is no way to live and, not to mention, rather ineffective. As much as we’d like to think we can read a guy’s mind, the truth is that we can’t. The best way to get anything you want is to focus on the things that are in your control, not trying to mind-ninja the motives and desires of everyone else around you. When it comes to finding your soulmate–and keeping both of you snugly bunnies happy once you do–this means working to nurture your best and true self.
Here are six easy ways you can increase the odds of finding your soulmate:
1. Do your internal work
Whether it’s your past history, your fears, or your cycling negative thoughts about relationships / love in general, it’s vital that you give yourself the time and space you need to work through it. Clean up all of that internal gunk and prepare yourself to receive love openly.
Talk it out with someone you trust, write letters you’ll never send, tie off those pesky loose ends. Literally dump that “guy on the side” who’s taking up your time. Mentally say goodbye to the people who have broken your heart.
Allow yourself to be fully immersed in the present, in what is happening right now. Give your heart a chance to be open and free of encumberances. The more you can get out of your own way, the better.
2. Take care of yourself in the same way you’d like your soulmate to
Self-love is the single most important practice you can engage in your quest for other types of love. It’s not always easy to project confidence, so do nice things for yourself that will help you get there.
Personally, I love to indulge with a mani/pedi. Do whatever it is that makes you feel wonderful. Watch a funny movie, plan a fun girl’s night, say your daily mantra, write down all your worries and self-doubts to get them out of your system—whatever!
Do you. Cherish what you’ve got going on, and treat yourself often. Then, you know what to do—put yourself out there and work it!
3. Go out alone
It will show your confidence and make you that much more approachable. Even if you don’t snag a date, it’s bound to be an enlightening experience. I find that when I’m alone without the distractions of my laptop, my phone (please don’t sit at the bar with your smartphone out; you want to look alluring, not preoccupied!), and everything that needs doing at home or at work, I tend to have my most “ah-ha” moments. My mind slows down and I can see the situations in my life in a more objective way. Give it a go on your next free night. If it’s a terrible, horrible, no-good experience, you can always leave. I don’t think you’ll hate it; in fact I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Think about it. How intimidated do you feel when you see a cute guy surrounded by a group of friends? On the other hand, when you see a guy alone cradling a beer, idly staring at the peanut bowl, it’s way easier to make the first move. Oh, that’s the other thing…
4. Don’t be afraid to make the first move
It’s true that there will be some guys who will be turned off by this, or who will decline because they like the chase more than the catch, but let’s be real: you’re a smart, confident and desirable woman, and you probably don’t want to end up with those guys anyway!
I have often made the first move in my own dating life, and trust me, there have been way more no’s than yes’s. In fact, sometimes it’s been kind of a disaster, but guess what? I’ve lived to tell the tale. Yes, it hurts, and yes, it can be a little awkward, but I’ve never regretted doing it. Seriously!
The momentary discomfort has always given way to relief that I know where he stands and a certain amount of pride that I did it. Plus, there’s an equal chance that he’ll appreciate you taking the heat off of him and respect you more for knowing what you want and going after it.
Regardless of what men might want you to think, most of them are tender, flawed, uncertain squishy teddy bears on the inside, and just as prone to heartache as you are. So don’t always expect them to put it out there when you are just as capable of doing so.
5. Be prepared to accept the love you find
Acceptance does not equal settling. I’m not talking about staying with the first suitor who comes along even if it’s not a perfect match. I’m talking about prepping yourself to accept the man you choose to spend your time with for who he is.
It’s human nature to want to change your partner, but there’s a fine line between having a reasonable desire for growth and trying to change his/her fundamentals–and sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. Believe me, I’ve been there!
A romantic relationship is in many ways like a friendship. There’s going to be things you love, and things you could do without. Sometimes he might drive you crazy just like, let’s be honest, your nearest and dearest friends.
So if you’d prefer your guy ate fewer French fries–and that’s your chief concern–you’re probably in something good. But if you’re hoping he’ll eventually get over his political views or suddenly become Mr. Personality when his idea of a good night is watching the game at home, it’s probably time to move on. Accept the whole package, and trust that if he’s in it to win it he’ll do the same for you.
6. Decide that you are worth it
I am totally convinced that worthiness is more often a decision than a feeling. A decision is active. It is something you can either choose to do or not. A feeling, on the other hand, is fickle. It’s bound to come and go and reinvent itself a million times—and then change yet again. So don’t rely on a feeling of worthiness. Choose to know that you are worthy, and it will be much easier to keep moving forward.
As you start to meet potential mates, remember that you are worthy not only of “love,” but of tenderness, of being cherished and admired as well as desired. Nurture this line of thinking, and you’ll be well on your way to attaining all that you desire, not just finding your soulmate.
How do you search for your soulmate?
If you’ve already found yours, then spill!
Give us your wisdom below.
Thanks for this great article!. I need someone in my life who can occupied my heart with love and caring and I want to be the same.
Great advice! Though I wouldn’t call it a quest for finding a soulmate because I think that might make the mission of finding someone psychologically even more difficult.
Firstly, soulmate – it’s not easy to encounter instant connection with someone, let alone to find a soulmate who you might find some day in your best friend of 10 years, let’s say, but all this time you’ve been busy searching your soulmate. Secondly, finding = therefore you’re searching, therefore you’re lacking of something, someone. And the second point is just the opposite of the whole concept of being whole and doing you.
I think I’m way too young to believe in soulmates.
I’ve never had a problem making the first move. If he’s not responsive (which guys almost always are), I assume it’s because he’s with someone and faithful (which actually makes me want him more, ironically – guess I like a challenge). But you don’t have to go out alone for that. I go with my girlfriends and we just break off from the pack if we see a guy who’s hot.
Looking back now I realize that when my husband and I first started to drift toward each-other, it was no coincidence. I had just came into another white stripe of life and felt generally more happy about myself than ever.
To go out alone, to approach him first — these things show your social confidence, which indeed does make a woman more attractive. But not just that — showing everyone you value yourself will make them value you too. That’s apparently what you need to attract your ‘second half’ — to be whole already.
Finding a soul-mate doesn’t happen over night…it’s alot of work and commitment but when you find someone and it feels right just go for it! For me personally, I took a break from dating a few years ago and just focused on my family, friends and personal growth. One day,I had a great conversation with a guy at my friend’s hangout. A few weeks later I asked him out. He actually felt the same way and we’ve been dating since 🙂
I agree! Finding your soulmate takes a lot of hard work. It’s not an overnight thing. You need to have personal growth to be successful in finding one 🙂
I believe that no advice is really apt for all situations. I know a lot of friends that found their soulmates when they weren’t looking. And what they did was focus on themselves and pursuing their career goals and just having fun with their lives. I guess its true that when you stop looking you find it 😀
This is such a great article. I’m not sure I have a single friend who follows this advice, but maybe they’re not aware of how important it is. I’ll forward this around.
BTW – Thanks for being the most empowering magazine out there!!!
Gosh, sometimes I just want to give up on the whole soul-mate thing. I’ve been called a hopeless romantic before, and feeling more and more hopeless as time goes by. Maybe it’s just tougher in a big city, or maybe I’m just too picky. I’ve seen a few of my friends get really lucky, and have found their soul-mate, so I continue to hold out for hope. This article certainly helps keep my spirits hight, thanks Urbanette once again! 🙂
What GREAT advice! We really do, as women, need to start thinking of ourselves as the prize — more so than whatever man we have our sights set on. It’s so important to remember that you’re worth it, so that you don’t put up with crap, and so you can find someone who’s looking for a confident woman, not just some insecure girl he can manipulate and treat poorly.