Over the years, I’ve come to the realization that, if you stand out in some way, having haters is inevitable. There are people out there who approach others with love and benefit of the doubt, and there are people out there who snap to judge, like to put people in boxes, and have very little empathy. That’s just how the world is. If you don’t fit in, there are people out there who will notice and decide they hate you without even giving you a chance — without even having met you.
Years ago, a slimy online tabloid wrote some stuff about me that wasn’t based on reality. In fact, the three writers were all based in San Francisco and had never met me, nor had they talked to any of my friends. They still found me fair game to write about, and since they didn’t know me from Adam, and didn’t have any actual context, they made stuff up, including supposed encounters, which I know for a fact I never had. For example, they said that I was at a cocktail party and kept talking about my career, starting from the beginning each time someone new came into the group I was fictitiously talking to.
Now, if they’d ever met me or talked to any of my friends, they’d know that what they wrote is pretty much the opposite of my actual character. In fact, one of my least favorite things is talking about myself or my career. I’ve never been one to volunteer info about my career and, when asked, my stock answer is “I have some internet companies”. Their unwarranted tabloid posts did hurt, don’t get me wrong. But then I got some great advice (from the best advice giver of all, Mr. Richard Branson). He said that the best way to deal with these haters is to ignore them. He said I shouldn’t give them power over me, and I shouldn’t give credence by responding. I took his advice and felt much better.
The unfortunate thing I’ve found is that the more you prove haters wrong in hating you (by just generally being a good, kind person), the more entrenched they get in their hatred. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it has something to do with the way these people’s brain works. Basically, they don’t want to admit to themselves that their initial assessment was wrong, so they fabricate reasons to hate you that aren’t at all based on reality. There have been some really fascinating studies done on this.
The trick is to, as much as possible, find the positive in every bad situation. What’s the silver lining? There’s always some lesson or upside, if you look hard enough. Then, focus on it. As long as you’re focusing on how this situation is helping you grow, the hater can’t touch you. I know, easier said than done, but it’s a worthwhile exercise.
“He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word. The power of sound has always been greater than the power of sense.” – Joseph Conrad
I was given some sage advice yesterday, which I think might be helpful, but I’m not sure how to avoid doing this. I was told that when I give advice, it can be off-putting. Let me explain: I come from a family of activists. I’m an activist through-and-through, in my blood. This is because I am an empathetic person. Overflowing with empathy, in fact. To the point where it hurts me sometimes. It started when I was little, and I picked up worms off the sidewalk as I walked to school. I gave my allowance money to charities that help animals, instead of buying candy or clothing. I cried each and every time I saw an animal get hurt in a movie (ok, ok… I still do…). The bottom line? I instinctively care about the lives of people and animals I’ll never meet.
So, when I am at a friend’s house and I see that they’re using a moisturizer that I know causes cancer, I tell them and suggest alternatives. Not for any reason other than my genuine concern for their health. When we’re at a restaurant and I ask if they’d like to know how foie gras is made, it’s because I think highly of them — I think they’re the type of person what will want to know, and will understand that we all need to do our part to lessen the suffering of innocents — especially those of us who so easily can.
I’m still not sure how to change this aspect of myself, or to make it easier for others to digest. I don’t want to simply not say anything, because I feel like that would mean that I have less integrity with my love and convictions. But at the same time, I don’t want to risk alienating people.
Then again, maybe going through life trying not to alienate people is futile, no matter how hard we try. No matter what, people are going to take things the wrong way sometimes. Haters are gonna hate. And while you can’t fight fire with fire, maybe water isn’t the solution either. Maybe the best way to deal is simply to let it burn and walk away.
How do you deal with haters?
When people hate, it just means that you have something that they don’t. Most of the time, your haters envy something about you.
I’m honestly wondering why we can’t just be nice to each other. It’s not like it makes you a better person everytime you talk bad about someone. It’s such a waste of time and a waste of energy. I can’t imagine having that much negativity in my life when you only get to live once. Why fill it with hate?!
Let’s just say that I also believe in hate at first sight but I’m not like those haters that wrote about you in slimy tabloids. But I guess there’s this feeling inside us that makes us hate a person the moment we lay our eyes on them without even getting to know them. I’ve tried studying those feelings that I have and sometimes it just stems from envy. Like seeing a perfect woman co-worker or celebrity and all we could do is find her flaws just so she doesn’t appear so perfect because perfect isn’t normal. What I usually do is just say something nice about that person and dismiss the negativity. I mean, why can’t we just sometimes admit that there will always be people that are close to perfection (and we’re not).
If only people are as conscious as you.
Yeah, you can’t fight fire with fire but you can’t always do it with water either. So just let it burn until there’s nothing else to burn. That’s how I did it. I just ignored everything that they said and walked away from it everytime. It’s not because I wasn’t brave enough to deal with it, I just know better not to stoop down to their level.?
It’s safe to say that when people start to hate on you, it means you could be doing something right because you deserved a spot in their thoughts.
That’s the problem with most people, they try to find the worst thing in you instead of looking for your best qualities so they can appreciate who you are. People are so quick to judge and they can get extremely creative with their thoughts. Just like how the old saying goes, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.” so we should all take the time to read through the pages before we conclude who or what type of person he/she is.
And read between the lines too.
I think it’s human nature to feel hate towards someone, whether you actually know them or not. We all have something to say about people and I can’t deny that I have felt hatred towards a person. Maybe, it’s just that I wasn’t the type to spread rumors about them. I just keep all those thoughts inside my head. I guess that’s the difference between me and those people whom we call haters. It’s what we do with that information in our heads that hurt the people concerned. Rumors, whether true or not spread like wildfire.
I try to deal with haters by just thinking that we can’t please everybody and I can’t always be someone’s cup of tea. ? If you fill your thoughts with positive ones and not let the negative ones get in the way of your positivity, you can be invincible and your mind will always filter the best thoughts possible.? Works for me everytime.
I’m not the type of person who would hate on someone that I don’t even know. I rarely judge and as much as possible, I try to reason out with my own thoughts when they’re not the nicest.
Whenever people would talk bad about me in the office, I just think of it positively. Like, “Hey, they must have been spending hours trying to think about things they could hate about me and they probably can’t sleep at night because of too much hatred in their hearts. While I’m here not minding them and I’m able to sleep well at night.” Their words hurt sometimes because you can’t even imagine where they got those ideas from, or how did it even come to that point wherein they hate you without even getting to know you?