Over the years, I’ve come to the realization that, if you stand out in some way, having haters is inevitable. There are people out there who approach others with love and benefit of the doubt, and there are people out there who snap to judge, like to put people in boxes, and have very little empathy. That’s just how the world is. If you don’t fit in, there are people out there who will notice and decide they hate you without even giving you a chance — without even having met you.
Years ago, a slimy online tabloid wrote some stuff about me that wasn’t based on reality. In fact, the three writers were all based in San Francisco and had never met me, nor had they talked to any of my friends. They still found me fair game to write about, and since they didn’t know me from Adam, and didn’t have any actual context, they made stuff up, including supposed encounters, which I know for a fact I never had. For example, they said that I was at a cocktail party and kept talking about my career, starting from the beginning each time someone new came into the group I was fictitiously talking to.
Now, if they’d ever met me or talked to any of my friends, they’d know that what they wrote is pretty much the opposite of my actual character. In fact, one of my least favorite things is talking about myself or my career. I’ve never been one to volunteer info about my career and, when asked, my stock answer is “I have some internet companies”. Their unwarranted tabloid posts did hurt, don’t get me wrong. But then I got some great advice (from the best advice giver of all, Mr. Richard Branson). He said that the best way to deal with these haters is to ignore them. He said I shouldn’t give them power over me, and I shouldn’t give credence by responding. I took his advice and felt much better.
The unfortunate thing I’ve found is that the more you prove haters wrong in hating you (by just generally being a good, kind person), the more entrenched they get in their hatred. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it has something to do with the way these people’s brain works. Basically, they don’t want to admit to themselves that their initial assessment was wrong, so they fabricate reasons to hate you that aren’t at all based on reality. There have been some really fascinating studies done on this.
The trick is to, as much as possible, find the positive in every bad situation. What’s the silver lining? There’s always some lesson or upside, if you look hard enough. Then, focus on it. As long as you’re focusing on how this situation is helping you grow, the hater can’t touch you. I know, easier said than done, but it’s a worthwhile exercise.
“He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word. The power of sound has always been greater than the power of sense.” – Joseph Conrad
I was given some sage advice yesterday, which I think might be helpful, but I’m not sure how to avoid doing this. I was told that when I give advice, it can be off-putting. Let me explain: I come from a family of activists. I’m an activist through-and-through, in my blood. This is because I am an empathetic person. Overflowing with empathy, in fact. To the point where it hurts me sometimes. It started when I was little, and I picked up worms off the sidewalk as I walked to school. I gave my allowance money to charities that help animals, instead of buying candy or clothing. I cried each and every time I saw an animal get hurt in a movie (ok, ok… I still do…). The bottom line? I instinctively care about the lives of people and animals I’ll never meet.
So, when I am at a friend’s house and I see that they’re using a moisturizer that I know causes cancer, I tell them and suggest alternatives. Not for any reason other than my genuine concern for their health. When we’re at a restaurant and I ask if they’d like to know how foie gras is made, it’s because I think highly of them — I think they’re the type of person what will want to know, and will understand that we all need to do our part to lessen the suffering of innocents — especially those of us who so easily can.
I’m still not sure how to change this aspect of myself, or to make it easier for others to digest. I don’t want to simply not say anything, because I feel like that would mean that I have less integrity with my love and convictions. But at the same time, I don’t want to risk alienating people.
Then again, maybe going through life trying not to alienate people is futile, no matter how hard we try. No matter what, people are going to take things the wrong way sometimes. Haters are gonna hate. And while you can’t fight fire with fire, maybe water isn’t the solution either. Maybe the best way to deal is simply to let it burn and walk away.
How do you deal with haters?
I still remember this girl in my class back in High School. We had a common friend who was very ‘neutral’ towards the two of us, but there was this instance that my friend told me that this girl who hates me in class dislikes me because she’s annoyed by the fact that I’m this “Pretty and rich girl.” I was honestly surprised by that because she hated me because I was the complete opposite of her and I had things that she didn’t. She doesn’t know me personally but hates the living shit out of me. That confused me a lot because her reasons were unreasonable and completely irrational. It even came to a point wherein she approached me just to tell me that she hated me for no apparent reason. After that, I just realized that there are people like that in this world and they deserve nothing but to be ignored.
Funny, because this article just shows how people can justify their behavior.
It’s normal for people to dislike people or things but what makes a huge difference is how they choose to deal with the dislike. Person #1 can dislike a person but she chooses to just ignore that person and do whatever it takes so they don’t cross paths. Person #2 can spread rumors about that person she dislikes and even post statuses about it on social media, creating such a buzz. So, which person are you?
It’s not easy to not get affected by what the haters say about you, because we’re only human and we get hurt even if we try to ignore the rumors about us. But you have to remind yourself that those people don’t have bearings in your life. You don’t even know those people so why should they have a say in who you are? What I usually do is to remind myself that “this is who I am” and “this is what they’re saying about me”. If I know that it’s not true, I dismiss the rumors and not let it ruin my day.
I also care for people genuinely and I’m devastated whenever people would think bad of me when I know for myself that I did nothing but good towards them. But in time, I just learned that I really can’t please everyone but I should be content that there are people who appreciate who I am and that’s more than enough.?
Yes, this is correct. Don’t mind those who don’t do you any good.
I’m a firm believer that everyone is good but people who hate on other people for no reason destroys that belief of mine.
There was this one time that I was browsing through my Facebook newsfeed and I saw this article about a celebrity that I like. The title was an obvious clickbait but since it was about my favorite celebrity, I decided to read through it. The article wasn’t bad at all, but the comments below were devastating. They would comment stuff like “Why are her armpits so dark” when you’ve seen tons of photos of that celebrity and you know how her armpits aren’t really dark and that she’s actually flawless. It just happens to have a shadow on that certain photo. Then, you feel so triggered so you check that basher’s Facebook profile, only to see that she looks horrible and she doesn’t even have the right to say something like that.
I always see that online and it makes me want to just throw my phone outside.
People have so much free time to bash people online. It’s so funny!
Some haters need to get their facts straight. Sometimes it makes me want to scream whenever they would invent events that never even happened just to make their stories interesting. I guess my life was that boring, so they felt the need to invent some details that never really happened. Why not just say: “A meteor landed on her lawn and she chewed it all like nothing happened.” Maybe that would have been better.
Gosh, that YouTube video about people hating on celebrities is funny. I think it just proves that people will hate you without any reason! Sometimes they just hate you and that’s it! No need to overthink, they just hate you, period! They could spread the most random rumors about you and they wouldn’t even cringe about it. Then, the moron accepts the random rumor until it spreads. It’s a cycle of crapfest and there’s nothing we can do about it aside from ignoring their stupidity. People can really be irrationally moronic sometimes.?
Exactly, a cycle!