We’ve all been there: it’s 7pm on a Tuesday, you’re just about to order Chinese food and watch Netflix before getting a jump on sleep. And then your phone rings. Your friend is on the other side, absolutely begging you to come out with her tonight, promising to be home before the sun comes up. Yes, she knows it’s a Tuesday. Yes, she’s aware you have work in the morning and need to look like something other than a glorified zombie in a blazer. But she pushes on, finally dropping the bomb, “Wow, you’re no fun anymore.” Now you’re enraged; I’ll show you fun, you think.
Flash to a few hours later, you’ve been dragged out to a shady bar and instantly abandoned for the dude in the corner with the man-bun who kinda smells like stale cigarettes and craft beer. Three Cosmopolitans and a plate of mozzarella sticks later, she gives you a kiss on the cheek and heads off into the world with Man Bun. You get home at 3am and set as many alarms as possible to make sure you get up for work in four hours. Sigh.
We all have the friends that we love dearly, but always seem to drag us down. Whether it’s pushing going out when we’ve already got sweatpants and ice cream on our minds, or letting us go home with the weird guy that works in the 7/11, it’s a tough situation to be in. But is your friend a culprit of minor follies like forgetting to return a borrowed scarf, or major issues like borrowing over $100 and then not speaking to you for roughly three weeks. It can be difficult to distinguish a poison human from a flighty friend, and ultimately, deciding where to cut the fat. Here are five ways to figure it out:
Is She Like This With Her Other Friends?
I had a friend who treated me like I was more of a means than an person to hang out with. My instant assumption was that she was only entertaining my time so that I would eventually help her with her work, lend her money, or as a backup friend when other plans fell through. But I was wrong on this one. It wasn’t just me she was flighty with; it was all her friends. Realizing that made me even more furious, until I did a little compassion adjustment.
This girl and I were raised in two very different environments. She wasn’t intentionally being like this — towards me or anyone else; it was just how she was brought up. She didn’t know any other method of reacting, and that wasn’t something I should be taking out on her. I kept her in my life and as our friendship progressed I learned that through her character flaws, she’d be there for me within an instant if I needed it.
It’s important to not instantly write people off, but try to understand why they act the way they do. If they’re simply terrible humans, kiss them goodbye, but if they’re bringing positive vibes into your life at the end of the day, maybe they’re worth it.
Does She Only Text You When She Needs Something?
You can always tell when someone is only talking to you for the sake of getting something. The conversation may go something like this: “Oh hey, how’s your night going? Busy with work? Wow that sucks, would you mind editing my shitty work paper because I know you’re a good writer and will be so bothered by it that you’ll make it better, and I’ll take the credit? Aw thanks, you’re such a good friend!”
If you find this happening all to frequently, but your texts about getting coffee, or her grabbing your mail because you’ll be out of town for a night, go unanswered, you’re being used. These people are like spiritual vampires; they suck the life out of you for their own benefit and don’t care if you make it out alive. Grab a stake and get them out of your life.
Is She Critical Just for the Sake of Being Critical?
“How does this skirt look?”, does not warrant a response about you needing to lose twenty pounds. The glaringly obvious reason behind this is jealousy; a trait toxic people often posses. It’s usually a reflection of something your friend is uncomfortable with themselves about; something they think you have, that is better than what they have. So they’re critical over everything, just to take you down a notch.
I once had a friend that would complain about every life choice I ever made; I never had a good boyfriend, job, or outfit in the ten years we were friends. When I had my life together, she liked to tear it down so that I would be at the same level as her again.
Recognizing that your friend isn’t pushing you to do your best, but only pushing you down in the mud, is a difficult thing to do. No one wants to admit that to themselves. But once you let these people out of your life, the confidence boost you’ll get from no one harping on you constantly is worth it.
Weigh Your Losses
This isn’t to say that people are disposable. They’re not. But think about someone missing from your life for a month or so. What are you losing? If some of the answers you come up with are, “I’d have more money because she’s dragging me places with outrageous cover charges”, and, “I might actually get more than three hours of sleep”, it may be best to let this person subside from your life.
If you find yourself leaning more towards a more, “Well sometimes she can get on my nerves but she encourages me to leave the house and see daylight instead of Netflix binging”, this could be a person you just need a day or two breather from. They’re not a bad friend; you just spend so much time with them that even a misplaced sigh could have you at their throat.
Other things to consider:
Don’t let time validate a friendship. Maybe someone’s just been a shitty friend for over ten years and you’re afraid to let them go. Doesn’t make them any better of a companion. I had a friend I brought with me through middle school, high school, and college. She was an awful person and it was a parasitic relationship, but I felt I had already invested so much time into the friendship that I couldn’t possibly scrap it. Yeah, she told everyone at our high school that I didn’t deserve the scholarship that I received and that I cheated on the test, and she told all my friends that I was talking about them behind their backs when I wasn’t, but we’ve had some good times, right? No. She was the definition of a toxic human. Her butt got kicked to the curb.
Self inflicting ignorance can be your biggest enemy. Pretending there isn’t a problem only makes the problem worse. It makes the person on the other end of the bad friendship think what they’re doing is okay and that they can keep doing it. And you’ll bottle your problems up until you can’t take it and have a nuclear melt down. Everyone comes out a loser in this equation.
Don’t fall into guilt/friend manipulation. If they really did care, they wouldn’t be trying to manipulate you. Once again, they’re attempting to take advantage of your for their own personal gain. Let actions speak louder.
Above all, know that you deserve more than ‘friends’ who don’t want the world for you. Someone can be toxic even if you love them. It’s not selfish to think about your own wellbeing; your health and happiness should be a priority. If there is a person in your life relentlessly bringing you down, it’s time to let go.
If the person is bringing you down, instead of helping you to achieve your dreams, don’t hesitate to cut them off. Always remember, a real friend will help you to achieve your dream.
This article reminds me of someone. HAHA! She was my best friend when I was in high school. She was famous and I’m was a school nerd, before. I thought she was my true friend because she was with me when I needed her. Apparently, that friendship is all just an act. I made her projects and home works. After our graduation, she broadcast all my secrets. Her reason? She doesn’t need me anymore.
Insecurity kills the friendship. If one of your friends is always letting you down, you need to make a wall from now on. It’s better to have a small circle of true friends, rather than to have a large set of fake friends.
I have a friend like this! Whenever I have a boyfriend, she always tells me that they’re not the one for me. At first, I thought that she was just being protective because she’s my friend, but later on, I discovered that she just want to steal every guy that I have because they are her type.
I agree with that. A real friendship is not all about how long you’ve been together, but on how your friend/s treated you.
Everybody has a friend that falls in one of these categories–but most people are either used to it, unsure of how to proceed, or just too damn nice to make the cut they need. I think it is always important to give your all in a friendship, but everyone should also make sure that it isn’t tearing them down too.
Friendships take work. Just like every other relationship. I like what you said about prioritizing your health and wellbeing. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t be a good friend to the ones who deserve it. One thing that I think is important though is that we should not only take into consideration the toxic friends background and character, but also have a serious conversation about how their actions or words are affecting us. I think that should happen before deciding to end the friendship. Let them know how you would like to be treated, consider what they have to say. If they can’t respect your needs after that then appropriate distance is in order.
Well said and too true. Toxic people are so damaging. It’s sad but true – some people are just bad to be around. We deserve people who will make us feel wonderful., not terrible. Thank you so much for this article and bringing awareness to the fact that some people are just, toxic.
It’s a common theme that we begin addressing this issue especially when we hit our 30’s as we become more reflective. I recently wrote a piece on this followed by a hilarious yet sad story. Would love your feedback! https://vanityandtrade.com/toxic-friends-you-leave-behind-after-having-kids/
this is the TRUTH! You’re so correct on all your suggestions.
Toxic people need control above all else. Sometimes this is driven by low self-esteem, sometimes insecurity, sometimes both or something else altogether. I thank this website as it made me realize how to make good friends and how to know who is a good or a bad friend. You were able to illustrate the essence of this idea. I want to say thank you for the indicate advice.