We’ve all been there: it’s 7pm on a Tuesday, you’re just about to order Chinese food and watch Netflix before getting a jump on sleep. And then your phone rings. Your friend is on the other side, absolutely begging you to come out with her tonight, promising to be home before the sun comes up. Yes, she knows it’s a Tuesday. Yes, she’s aware you have work in the morning and need to look like something other than a glorified zombie in a blazer. But she pushes on, finally dropping the bomb, “Wow, you’re no fun anymore.” Now you’re enraged; I’ll show you fun, you think.
Flash to a few hours later, you’ve been dragged out to a shady bar and instantly abandoned for the dude in the corner with the man-bun who kinda smells like stale cigarettes and craft beer. Three Cosmopolitans and a plate of mozzarella sticks later, she gives you a kiss on the cheek and heads off into the world with Man Bun. You get home at 3am and set as many alarms as possible to make sure you get up for work in four hours. Sigh.
We all have the friends that we love dearly, but always seem to drag us down. Whether it’s pushing going out when we’ve already got sweatpants and ice cream on our minds, or letting us go home with the weird guy that works in the 7/11, it’s a tough situation to be in. But is your friend a culprit of minor follies like forgetting to return a borrowed scarf, or major issues like borrowing over $100 and then not speaking to you for roughly three weeks. It can be difficult to distinguish a poison human from a flighty friend, and ultimately, deciding where to cut the fat. Here are five ways to figure it out:
Is She Like This With Her Other Friends?
I had a friend who treated me like I was more of a means than an person to hang out with. My instant assumption was that she was only entertaining my time so that I would eventually help her with her work, lend her money, or as a backup friend when other plans fell through. But I was wrong on this one. It wasn’t just me she was flighty with; it was all her friends. Realizing that made me even more furious, until I did a little compassion adjustment.
This girl and I were raised in two very different environments. She wasn’t intentionally being like this — towards me or anyone else; it was just how she was brought up. She didn’t know any other method of reacting, and that wasn’t something I should be taking out on her. I kept her in my life and as our friendship progressed I learned that through her character flaws, she’d be there for me within an instant if I needed it.
It’s important to not instantly write people off, but try to understand why they act the way they do. If they’re simply terrible humans, kiss them goodbye, but if they’re bringing positive vibes into your life at the end of the day, maybe they’re worth it.
Does She Only Text You When She Needs Something?
You can always tell when someone is only talking to you for the sake of getting something. The conversation may go something like this: “Oh hey, how’s your night going? Busy with work? Wow that sucks, would you mind editing my shitty work paper because I know you’re a good writer and will be so bothered by it that you’ll make it better, and I’ll take the credit? Aw thanks, you’re such a good friend!”
If you find this happening all to frequently, but your texts about getting coffee, or her grabbing your mail because you’ll be out of town for a night, go unanswered, you’re being used. These people are like spiritual vampires; they suck the life out of you for their own benefit and don’t care if you make it out alive. Grab a stake and get them out of your life.
Is She Critical Just for the Sake of Being Critical?
“How does this skirt look?”, does not warrant a response about you needing to lose twenty pounds. The glaringly obvious reason behind this is jealousy; a trait toxic people often posses. It’s usually a reflection of something your friend is uncomfortable with themselves about; something they think you have, that is better than what they have. So they’re critical over everything, just to take you down a notch.
I once had a friend that would complain about every life choice I ever made; I never had a good boyfriend, job, or outfit in the ten years we were friends. When I had my life together, she liked to tear it down so that I would be at the same level as her again.
Recognizing that your friend isn’t pushing you to do your best, but only pushing you down in the mud, is a difficult thing to do. No one wants to admit that to themselves. But once you let these people out of your life, the confidence boost you’ll get from no one harping on you constantly is worth it.
Weigh Your Losses
This isn’t to say that people are disposable. They’re not. But think about someone missing from your life for a month or so. What are you losing? If some of the answers you come up with are, “I’d have more money because she’s dragging me places with outrageous cover charges”, and, “I might actually get more than three hours of sleep”, it may be best to let this person subside from your life.
If you find yourself leaning more towards a more, “Well sometimes she can get on my nerves but she encourages me to leave the house and see daylight instead of Netflix binging”, this could be a person you just need a day or two breather from. They’re not a bad friend; you just spend so much time with them that even a misplaced sigh could have you at their throat.
Other things to consider:
Don’t let time validate a friendship. Maybe someone’s just been a shitty friend for over ten years and you’re afraid to let them go. Doesn’t make them any better of a companion. I had a friend I brought with me through middle school, high school, and college. She was an awful person and it was a parasitic relationship, but I felt I had already invested so much time into the friendship that I couldn’t possibly scrap it. Yeah, she told everyone at our high school that I didn’t deserve the scholarship that I received and that I cheated on the test, and she told all my friends that I was talking about them behind their backs when I wasn’t, but we’ve had some good times, right? No. She was the definition of a toxic human. Her butt got kicked to the curb.
Self inflicting ignorance can be your biggest enemy. Pretending there isn’t a problem only makes the problem worse. It makes the person on the other end of the bad friendship think what they’re doing is okay and that they can keep doing it. And you’ll bottle your problems up until you can’t take it and have a nuclear melt down. Everyone comes out a loser in this equation.
Don’t fall into guilt/friend manipulation. If they really did care, they wouldn’t be trying to manipulate you. Once again, they’re attempting to take advantage of your for their own personal gain. Let actions speak louder.
Above all, know that you deserve more than ‘friends’ who don’t want the world for you. Someone can be toxic even if you love them. It’s not selfish to think about your own wellbeing; your health and happiness should be a priority. If there is a person in your life relentlessly bringing you down, it’s time to let go.
The world is full of opportunist people– most of them are your friends too. I met someone like this during college and she would always leech off me and tell me sob stories. We even got to a point that I would share my meals with her or buy most of her meals becaue she tells me a sob story about her family being financially incapable at the moment. She was like that for years but it was her that I usually hang out with so I had no choice. But then this girl happened to be in the same office as me as soon as we graduated, but she was different. I guess that now she’s earning money, she wasn’t really as financially dependent to others. I also learned that her sob stories were real and that they were really struggling. She was even thankful to me because I was one of the reasons why she got through college. Everyone has their background story that not all of us try to look deeper into.
It’s never easy to cut a friend from your life no matter how toxic they seem.
The worst part about realizing that someone is using you is trying to figure out how you’re going to cut that person out of your life. You can’t just stop returning their calls or suddenly not hang out with them.
I agree. How do you even do this? I feel like I’m the horrible one if I do this.
Toxic people will always try to control you. If somehow you got released from their control, they will now control the environment against you. That’s why toxic people should be given a high five. In the face. With a chair. Repeatedly.
My toxic/plastic friends are my training dummies. If they are toxic to me I will be toxic to them, if they are plastic then i will be plastic also. Learning this skill familiarizes me with their behavior and will actively avoid others who have these traits. That’s why i keep them close for reference.
Oh, cmon! Be sensitive, it’s very easy to know if a friend is just using you. I hate users!
Make boundaries. It’s the only way to avoid user friends. It’s not that you’re being mean to them, you’re just sick of them.
Toxic friendship is just like a shitty relationship with a douchebag. Leave, if you think you’ve been taken for granted.
If you think that one of your friends is acting like a sh*t. You can always cut them off. Don’t think about how long you have been with each other, think about the reasons why you should give up the friendship.
Don’t compare what you gave and what she gave to you. Friendship is about helping each other to grow. It’s not math that has a computation.