Open and honest communication is one of the keys to a satisfying sex life—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. It can be embarrassing and nerve-racking to tell your partner what you really want, especially if the relationship is just a casual one. But the rewards are worth the temporary awkwardness, so I’ll help you get there.
Defining Needs, Desires, and Fantasies
Before you can express what you want, it’s important to understand the difference between these three concepts. Here’s how I see it… A sexual need is a physical or psychological requirement for your well-being. This can include the needs for security and affection as well as sexual release on a physical level. A sexual desire is something you wish or hope for but are able to live without, such as an emotional connection with your partner or having sex more often. Finally, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on but isn’t necessarily something you’d want to go through with in real life.
HOT TIP: On a piece of paper, make three columns labeled “needs,” “desires,” and “fantasies,” and fill in each one. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and need, which will help when it comes time to open up to your partner.
When to Tell Him Your Fantasies
People often ask me, “How long into a relationship should I wait before telling my partner about my needs/desires/fantasies?” Every situation and relationship is different, but here’s a general guideline. Your basic needs should be met from the first encounter—including one-night stands.
If you’re having sex with someone, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and secure. And if you need some kissing or cuddling to enjoy a sexual encounter, then by all means express that need. This isn’t a business transaction; it’s the most intimate human activity, so don’t be embarrassed. If your partner can’t fulfill your basic needs, you should find someone else to have sex with.
Sexual desires can be expressed in the early stages of a casual or long-term sexual relationship. Within the first few weeks, you should be able to tell your partner that it’s hard for you to achieve orgasm in the missionary position or that having your neck kissed turns you on. As the relationship progresses, you should be able to openly express all your sexual desires to your partner, even if it means telling him that his technique doesn’t work for you or that you aren’t satisfied with how often you have sex.
As for your deepest, darkest fantasies, you might need to wait a little longer to let them out into the open. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about kinky or unusual scenarios, but it’s possible that your partner will be surprised or even shocked and won’t understand or accept them right away. So it’s usually best to build a solid foundation for the relationship before pulling out the big guns.
How to Express Your Desires
Even for the most confident and outgoing person, expressing sexual wants can be intimidating. Here are a few tips and tricks to help it go smoothly.
Pick the right time to talk: If you try to bring it up as your partner is dashing off to work, chances are you won’t get anywhere, and you may even end up arguing about it. Introduce the topic when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any other commitments.
Be open and honest: Even if you feel embarrassed and struggle to get your words out at first, stick with it. Say what’s on your mind in straightforward terms and be clear as to whether you’re discussing desires you hope your partner can fulfill or you’re just playfully talking about fantasies you don’t necessarily want to go through with. If you’re discussing fantasies, don’t approach it too seriously—have fun with it.
Be positive: Make sure to use optimistic and constructive words so your partner doesn’t feel criticized. For example, say, “I really love it when you go down on me. That swirly movement you do with your tongue is the best! Do you think you could do that the whole time you’re down there?” Or, “You turn me on so much, I feel like having sex with you all the time. We’ve just been so busy recently and haven’t had as much time as we used to. Do you think we could try to set aside more time for sex?”
Be patient: Don’t expect your partner to accept and embrace your desires and fantasies right away. If he reacts negatively, explain that you don’t expect him to want the same thing, but that you wanted to share your thoughts and feelings. Then leave it alone for a while and try to broach the topic again a few weeks later. Or your partner might be the one to bring it up again after thinking about it for a while.
Respect your partner’s wishes: If you’ve always wanted to have sex in a public place or a threesome with two guys but your partner says there’s no way he’d ever consider it, you might simply have to accept that some of your sexual dreams can’t be fulfilled. And while fantasies like threesomes, orgies, and watching your partner have sex with someone else can be a huge turn-on, going through with them could seriously hurt your relationship. Sometimes fantasies are better left in the realm of the imagination. Why not explore them verbally with your partner while having sex? The mind is a powerful thing, and discussing your wildest imaginations can be just as satisfying as bringing them to life.
Have an open mind: Now that you’ve expressed your desires and fantasies, you have to be prepared to listen to your partner’s. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that you’re on the same wavelength, but you could also be shocked by what your partner has to say. If so, try not to get upset or angry, and be honest about how you feel. Attempt to keep an open mind and take the time to think about what your partner has said.
Compromise: If you and your partner’s desires and fantasies diverge, try to arrive at a compromise. For example, if you like a little more variety than your partner does when it comes to sexual positions, agree to try a new position each month. Or if your partner would like to experiment with light bondage but you don’t feel comfortable being restrained with handcuffs, suggest using silk scarves.
How Much Sharing Is Too Much?
When it comes to fantasies, should you tell your partner everything? That’s up to you, but it can be a good idea to keep some things to yourself. If you’ve been fantasizing about the new neighbor or your partner’s best friend, you might not want to share that information—it’s a little too close to home and could hurt your partner or breed jealousy and suspicion. Having a nameless, faceless fantasy is one thing, but lusting after an attainable person is a whole other ballgame. Likewise, if some of your fantasies err on the dark side, use your judgment to determine whether it’s worth totally freaking your partner out.
Some couples have very open lines of communication and share every last detail—more power to you if that’s the case and you’re both happy with it. But keeping some information to yourself is probably the way to go for most relationships—it’s not dishonesty, but rather maintaining a little privacy and mystery.
Acting Out Your Fantasies
You’ve shared your wildest fantasy with your partner, and he’s willing to give it a whirl. So…now what? To ensure a positive experience for both of you, agree on the boundaries you’re both comfortable with before you get started. If you’d like to try a little rough play, find out how far each of you is willing to take it. While some gentle spanking might be fine, biting could be off-limits.
If you’re treading into role-playing territory, you might also want to choose a “safe word.” This is a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex, such as “elephant,” which indicates to your partner that you want them to stop what they’re doing. “No” and “stop” are bad safe words, as your “character” might say them as part of role-playing without really meaning them—as in, “No, Mr. Officer, I am not wearing any underwear.” You can also use words like “green” to mean “OK” or “harder,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop that action,” and “red” to mean “stop the scene.”
For any non-role-playing fantasies, open communication throughout is your best bet. Ask your partner how he’s feeling, if he’s enjoying it, and if he’d like you to do anything differently. Once you’ve ensured he’s having a good time, relax and enjoy the ride. After it’s all said and done, debrief together. Ask your partner what he liked and didn’t like, and tell him how you felt too. Hopefully it was a fun, exciting experience for both of you and you’ve expanded your sexual repertoire. If it was less than stellar for either one of you, decide whether you’re both willing to try it again in the future or whether it’s one for the history books.
I’m really thankful that there are guides like this. I’m not comfortable asking my friends about stuff like this because it seems very personal. I could openly discuss with my partner about it but we could only go at a certain length. I’m not very knowledgeable about topics such as sex. I do have great experiences with my partner but I love him a lot and I would like to do better. Been an avid follower of Urbanette on this one. I’m glad that most of my questions are being answered just by reading it.
I wanted to comment something substantial but the first thing I wanted to say is that the dolls are a pretty funny touch to the article. My wife was like, “What the hell are you reading why are the dolls like that?”. So I just let her read it and she said we’d have a discussion about it tonight. Way to go Urbanette.
This is a nice guide to be honest. It’s not just for people who love sex in general, but it’s also for those who need a little spice in their lives.
The last time I tried to talk about this with my partner, he got offended. I tried to be as subtle as I can but sugarcoating something that still means “I don’t like it” is still “I don’t like it” regardless of how much you try to make it sound positive. He’s the type of guy who wouldn’t tell it to my face that he doesn’t like something especially if it’s about me or sex. He wouldn’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to offend me. I’m the complete opposite though, I’d rather be honest and speak what’s on my mind than to be quiet about it. I think honesty always leaves a room for improvement within the relationship.
Let’s just say only 5% of men would agree to share their partner with someone else for a threesome, especially those who are in a serious relationship.
If you’re comfortable and honest with your partner, I don’t really see any problems doing this.
My long-term boyfriend and I never really take the time to talk about topics like this but we always make it seem like we already know what each of us wants whenever we would do it. It’s like automatic for us to ask “Do you like this?” while we do something new. I don’t think that the two of you should necessarily talk in-depth about it, especially if you’re really not the type of person who would openly do something like this. When the two of you are already caught in the moment, it’s actually easier to discuss it. Just be careful not to ruin the mood with crazy ideas.
This is actually a good idea. I’m already thinking on how to be able to discuss it easier and this could work.
You have seriously sexualized Barbie. My childhood has been officially ruined.
It would be stupid to talk about sexual fantasies when your man is late for work. Not fun to discuss it over breakfast either.?
Isn’t it basic for a man to try to position himself properly in such a way that he could orgasm? If he’s having a hard time achieving it, there’s more to it than just “exploring sexual fantasies”. I haven’t actually been with a man who’s had problems orgasming. Unless his mind was elsewhere, he doesn’t have the hots for you 100%, or that he’s been masturbating too much are just one of the few reasons. If a man is really into it, he’ll have an orgasm nevertheless. Men’s orgasms aren’t as complicated as women’s.
This is puzzling for me as well. I don’t think it’s normal.