If you’re in the dating game right now you’ve landed at one of the worst times in history to get involved. The world has turned. No more stolen glances across coffee shops. Or sitting a little closer than is proper in a public library. Romance is done. We want our dating fast, we want it simple and we want it before our Uber arrives.
The problem with the glut of apps that now influence our dating behaviour is they make everyone disposable. Crooked smile? Swipe left. Hint of a belly? Swipe left. We scrutinize potential love interests as purchases, cold and calculating. The outcome? Quick fire decision making is flooding into the date itself and killing our relationships before they begin.
Maybe we all need to hit slow-mo on our dating behaviour. Take a breath and give someone more than one chance to steal our hearts. Two dates may be the key to overcoming the sweaty palms and bad jokes of the first.
Still not convinced? Here are three great reasons to invest in more second dates:
1) FAMILIARITY BREEDS AFFECTION
Ok, so remember way back before we controlled our love lives on our phones? Where did we all go to meet a potential mate? WORK! Work was the key. You sat next to some guy in an awful office and he started off annoying as hell. Then slowly, slowly those things that drove you crazy became cute. That bad habits turned adorable. And hey presto, you’re kissing at the Christmas party and skipping into the sunset.
Perhaps life didn’t always work out like that and perhaps two dates isn’t enough to turn a frog into a prince, but it gives him a fighting chance. It also lets you both take a breath and evaluate the other in the best possible way.
2) ENVIRONMENT MATTERS
Sometimes the setting alone will determine the date’s success. If you’re in an empty restaurant listening to your cutlery squeak you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a shoddy time. In a buzzing bar where it feels like the world is having fun? Much more likely to equal a successful date. Plus, it becomes even more complicated when you add in people’s comfort zones and preferences.
If you want to know if you really like a guy it makes sense to see him against different backdrops and determine if you really are a good match.
3) NERVES CHANGE PEOPLE
Ever go to a job interview and be completely yourself? No, of course not. Dating can be job interview nerves squared. If you are feeling sweaty palmed and struggling for witty conversation, it’s likely he is too. Nerves can make us someone else.
That’s why it can be worth a couple of dates to allow that knotty feeling to disappear and discover the person underneath. Sometimes a little time can transform an awkward or over confident guy into a genuinely great one.
…BUT… a second date won’t always be the answer to our dating dilemmas.
For the creepy, the aggressive or the dates that just give you a gut no it’s always right to walk away. But perhaps investing a little more time in the maybes might uncover a few surprises.
Two dates is the rule! If you`re not feeling it by the second date, then you probably won`t ever feel it. But try not to let the judgment weigh too heavily on the second date – don`t go into it expecting failure. If you went out for a casual dinner, do something different so you get the opportunity to see them in another light. Go to a museum or more interactive place instead. Let them show different parts of their personality to you through different environments.
I went on a date with a man who planned everything to the book. While it was the best date I’d ever been on, I didn’t feel an initial spark. We met up again for date number two. And ended up dating him exclusively. I fell head over heels then got my heart ran through a food processor.
I’m going on 8 months with my current boyfriend and honestly, on the first date I was on the fence about him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went on a second date with him and I’m so happy I did….the sparks were just extra delayed because they went a-flyin’ on date #2! Now, I can’t believe I almost passed on him…he’s pretty much everything I said I wanted on my list 🙂
Lovely story! 2 can be the magic number!
I couldn’t agree more. Why not give him a second chance, right? I think if the sparks don’t fly then, then it isn’t worth it. But going on a third date would just lead him on IMHO, while a second date is completely acceptable.
I hear you, but personally I have to feel that spark and/or butterflies. If not the second date is over before it starts.
Spot on! ? If you like the dude, you owe it to yourself to find out if there is an appeal there. Not every nice guy will be your type but everything appealing about a person will not be revealed in an initial meeting. You may have been nervous, he may have been nervous or you both may have been too nervous to connect very well. My advice for my fellow girls is: get the stars out your eyes and realize that relationships can be complex and sometimes we have to take the bull by the horn and make things happen.
Great advice Gina! I’m all for taking the bull by the horns!
I would definitely give a decent first date another chance. Sometimes sparks start to fly on the 2nd or 3rd date…Sometimes, love takes time.
I had a date the other week. I make it plain that I’m a sporty person and my photos show me nice and clear. The man had photos that weren’t that good and described her body shape as ‘average’. When we met he was a good 30lbs overweight. Did he think I wouldn’t notice? He didn’t get a second date. Perhaps people dating might try a bit more honesty and less self-delusion. But I don’t see that happening any day soon.
I don’t believe in finding true love through online dating apps. All these swiping right and left nonsense is all based on looks or how visually appealing you’re as a person. I believe in personality and beauty from within. Unfortunately long term relationships are hard to attract. Everyone’s looking for a casual fling these days and in this century.
I tend to agree really. Modern life has us all expecting instant gratification and we don’t really give people a chance when we only spend a few hours in their company. Add to that the potential candy store nature of internet dating and people are psychologically primed to move on quickly to the next great thing rather than invest any time in cultivating a relationship (including “mere” friendship) with someone who didn’t somehow meet expectations on a single meeting. Disclaimer – I have never tried internet dating, I’m going off of the experiences of my male and female friends in their late twenties who are all in the thick of this. As an ancient 34 year old I somehow feel like a 70 year old with my views on dating…
I’m 30 Ingrid so probably fall on the elderly side of the dating views pool too! Cultivating relationships is (I think) really important in all areas of our lives.
It depends how you use them and if you apply yourself to it. I’m ok looking but not exactly Ryan Gosling either and I do ok on Tinder (which is more difficult for gays to find real dates rather hookups) It shouldn’t matter until you meet them anyway, that’s gonna be where it gets settled either way. 🙂
I have friends who have met through dating sites and ended up marrying, my husband and I always laugh as we know that we would never have made it beyond a first date had we met through a dating site. We are very different personalities and my husband spent our first two dates talking about himself and not asking me anything about myself. I already knew we got along as we were in the same social circle and of course I knew I fancied him, so I hung in there and gave him a chance which I’m extremely glad I did as he is a wonderful partner and friend. Internet dating is not the same as meeting people the old fashioned way. You are exposed to many more people with whom you may quickly find you have little in common with. Just like some terrible employees look great on paper and interview well, an online profile is is only a basic hint of the person you’re going on a date with.