If you’re in the dating game right now you’ve landed at one of the worst times in history to get involved. The world has turned. No more stolen glances across coffee shops. Or sitting a little closer than is proper in a public library. Romance is done. We want our dating fast, we want it simple and we want it before our Uber arrives.
The problem with the glut of apps that now influence our dating behaviour is they make everyone disposable. Crooked smile? Swipe left. Hint of a belly? Swipe left. We scrutinize potential love interests as purchases, cold and calculating. The outcome? Quick fire decision making is flooding into the date itself and killing our relationships before they begin.
Maybe we all need to hit slow-mo on our dating behaviour. Take a breath and give someone more than one chance to steal our hearts. Two dates may be the key to overcoming the sweaty palms and bad jokes of the first.
Still not convinced? Here are three great reasons to invest in more second dates:
1) FAMILIARITY BREEDS AFFECTION
Ok, so remember way back before we controlled our love lives on our phones? Where did we all go to meet a potential mate? WORK! Work was the key. You sat next to some guy in an awful office and he started off annoying as hell. Then slowly, slowly those things that drove you crazy became cute. That bad habits turned adorable. And hey presto, you’re kissing at the Christmas party and skipping into the sunset.
Perhaps life didn’t always work out like that and perhaps two dates isn’t enough to turn a frog into a prince, but it gives him a fighting chance. It also lets you both take a breath and evaluate the other in the best possible way.
2) ENVIRONMENT MATTERS
Sometimes the setting alone will determine the date’s success. If you’re in an empty restaurant listening to your cutlery squeak you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a shoddy time. In a buzzing bar where it feels like the world is having fun? Much more likely to equal a successful date. Plus, it becomes even more complicated when you add in people’s comfort zones and preferences.
If you want to know if you really like a guy it makes sense to see him against different backdrops and determine if you really are a good match.
3) NERVES CHANGE PEOPLE
Ever go to a job interview and be completely yourself? No, of course not. Dating can be job interview nerves squared. If you are feeling sweaty palmed and struggling for witty conversation, it’s likely he is too. Nerves can make us someone else.
That’s why it can be worth a couple of dates to allow that knotty feeling to disappear and discover the person underneath. Sometimes a little time can transform an awkward or over confident guy into a genuinely great one.
…BUT… a second date won’t always be the answer to our dating dilemmas.
For the creepy, the aggressive or the dates that just give you a gut no it’s always right to walk away. But perhaps investing a little more time in the maybes might uncover a few surprises.
I had the biggest, goofiest grin reading this description/piece of advice. Reading it just really did something for me, and I appreciate that. You seem like an awesome person, and the world would be better if more people had mindsets like yours.
Thanks Ariana – that’s such a lovely thing to say. Gosh *blushing writer*..
Can confirm. My husband now, was about to dump me for being boring on our first date, where I’d been advised by friends to “tone it down”. I realized I was probably not going to see him again so I decided to have fun and let the real me out. Result – been together 14 years, married 10 years so far and two adorable kids. 🙂
For me, in the past I gave chances. It never develop ever unless it was someone I had a great time with but didn’t feel attracted to. Only then did it develop. So now I know to give chances only to those that I had fun with not just a pleasant time with.
As for spark. Just because they didn’t work out doesn’t mean they can’t. I only date those I spark with and I had one last two yrs. It just takes work to find a good one.
If he is a a smart, decent, and attractive guy I normally give it until date #3 to see if there is any spark. If by then I am still not feeling it, then I “it’s not you it’s me… friends?”. (Normally by then I’ve made up a number of reasons not to like him)
Take the second date. If that one doesn’t do it for you, move on. At least you’ll know you made an informed decision before you gave up on the person.
Some people grow into love and take awhile to fall for someone. And some of us know “yes or no” right off the bat. I never used to believe in this kind of thing, but I went on a third date with someone I wasn’t attracted to – I went simply because he was sooo into me, and so polite and smart and (insert other “good on paper” qualities) and on the third date I ended up falling for him like a ton of bricks and was madly in love with him after that. So now I always tell my friends to go on a second, or even a third, date with a guy if everything but the spark is in place.
I had a very similar story with my partner – I think sometimes when it takes a little time to hit – it hits hard! Politeness is always such a good sign too.
I whole heartedly agree that a second date is a must. The nerves do play a big role in messing up on a first date. I’ve had both guy and girl friends tell me how they’ve done the silliest of things just because they got too nervous on their date!
One thing i can say is even if the first date wasn’t perfect, and he was trying his hardest, give him another chance. Maybe he will feel more relaxed and comfortable the second time around. I know in my experience some guys are really shy in the beginning and I kind of got bored and didn’t give them another shot. I know better now (: but only if they treat me with respect. If the guy is a douche, he will be a douche again.
Amazing piece with some great advice. I agree two dates. If there is nothing after the second date then there probably never will be.
Thank You 🙂 I think you definitely need strike a balance between giving someone a chance and banging your head against a brick wall!
First impressions are just that… FIRST impressions, but that doesn’t mean they are the RIGHT impressions. How many women on the internet have horror stories of men they’ve dated after a great first impression? Some people aren’t as comfortable getting to know new people, but warm up nicely after a date or two.
Idk… First impressions may be hasty at times, but when it comes to dating: the spark, zah zah zoo, oomph… Whatever you want to call it. It is important. Attraction is essential.