If you’re in the dating game right now you’ve landed at one of the worst times in history to get involved. The world has turned. No more stolen glances across coffee shops. Or sitting a little closer than is proper in a public library. Romance is done. We want our dating fast, we want it simple and we want it before our Uber arrives.
The problem with the glut of apps that now influence our dating behaviour is they make everyone disposable. Crooked smile? Swipe left. Hint of a belly? Swipe left. We scrutinize potential love interests as purchases, cold and calculating. The outcome? Quick fire decision making is flooding into the date itself and killing our relationships before they begin.
Maybe we all need to hit slow-mo on our dating behaviour. Take a breath and give someone more than one chance to steal our hearts. Two dates may be the key to overcoming the sweaty palms and bad jokes of the first.
Still not convinced? Here are three great reasons to invest in more second dates:
1) FAMILIARITY BREEDS AFFECTION
Ok, so remember way back before we controlled our love lives on our phones? Where did we all go to meet a potential mate? WORK! Work was the key. You sat next to some guy in an awful office and he started off annoying as hell. Then slowly, slowly those things that drove you crazy became cute. That bad habits turned adorable. And hey presto, you’re kissing at the Christmas party and skipping into the sunset.
Perhaps life didn’t always work out like that and perhaps two dates isn’t enough to turn a frog into a prince, but it gives him a fighting chance. It also lets you both take a breath and evaluate the other in the best possible way.
2) ENVIRONMENT MATTERS
Sometimes the setting alone will determine the date’s success. If you’re in an empty restaurant listening to your cutlery squeak you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a shoddy time. In a buzzing bar where it feels like the world is having fun? Much more likely to equal a successful date. Plus, it becomes even more complicated when you add in people’s comfort zones and preferences.
If you want to know if you really like a guy it makes sense to see him against different backdrops and determine if you really are a good match.
3) NERVES CHANGE PEOPLE
Ever go to a job interview and be completely yourself? No, of course not. Dating can be job interview nerves squared. If you are feeling sweaty palmed and struggling for witty conversation, it’s likely he is too. Nerves can make us someone else.
That’s why it can be worth a couple of dates to allow that knotty feeling to disappear and discover the person underneath. Sometimes a little time can transform an awkward or over confident guy into a genuinely great one.
…BUT… a second date won’t always be the answer to our dating dilemmas.
For the creepy, the aggressive or the dates that just give you a gut no it’s always right to walk away. But perhaps investing a little more time in the maybes might uncover a few surprises.
As for me, you also need to enjoy your dating journey. Sometimes we fell very pressured to find the right guy when honestly, there is no perfect and right guy, you both will make a perfectly imperfect relationship with the man you choose to be right.
One of the best comments I have read. You will never find the perfect person because s the saying goes “No one is perfect”. But you just work it out with the person.
How can you truly know a person with just a date or two? It takes time to be comfortable with another person and to for the feelings to grow. Love is something you work on and remember that it always takes two to tango.
Everything now is fast-forwarded. No one wants to slow down because they are afraid to lose chances in everything they do. Instant noodles, fast-food, speed dating, all are moving so fast. Even in my own personal life, I just want to hit pause to at least savor moments in my life.But I guess that is how life now, anything can happen in an instant.
You are right. I really truly loved this part:
Maybe we all need to hit slow-mo on our dating behaviour. Take a breath and give someone more than one chance to steal our hearts. Sparks rarely fly after a 1-hour coffee date. You didn’t fall in love at first sight right? that’s we should give them a second chance anyway.
Thank you for your lovely comments Christina – I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
Completely and utterly true. And well written. I’m usually open to meeting a second time even if I’m not feeling a great attraction. I think that so many people are nervous when they meet for a first date, that neither one are being themselves. Another reason a lot of people do not move from 1st date to 2nd date is because they put too much pressure on themselves or their date.
xoxo
Helen
Thanks Helen – I agree – our expectations of what a date ‘should’ be sometimes stop us enjoying what’s there!
Great article Sam! For me attraction does usually take time to develop. It seems though that many men want to know right away how a woman feels. I really appreciate when a man pays my Valet/drink/dinner mostly because it shows that they care about my needs — it’s a sign of respect. I can certainly afford to pay, but chivalrous actions show a woman that a man is tuned in to something other than himself… So even if I don’t like him, I’ll give a man like that a second chance. 🙂
Thanks Keisha! I agree how a person conducts themselves on a date is really important. We might have called it chivalry but what it boils down to is them being polite and considerate and that’s generally a sign of a good one 🙂
Everything you said is absolutely 100% true! You owe it to yourself and to him to give it another chance so you can have the experience of getting past the initial awkwardness. On a second date you will get to know him better and begin to see his true colors and the qualities that make him a real person.
Love is sweeter the second time around. 🙂
A second date really can help you really confirm your vibes. I went out on a date and she seemed fine, didn’t really click, but she had two interesting jobs. I just didn’t get much of a good connection with her. Then we went on a second date, and ever since we have been seeing each other exclusively – 5 months now. 🙂
I believe that people are a lot more comfortable and more themselves on second dates. I have never met someone and instantly hit it off. I blame it on being a completely different person than I appear in the beginning.
I think we all have a bit of a barrier up on date no.1. My fiancé says I came across pretty scary on the first few dates….Apparently I’m still quite scary but he got used to it…
Lovely advice! I just got home from a date with someone else who is just as bad at small talk as me. I just picked up on a previous conversation we had over messenger and conversation seemed to flow pretty well! I guess a lot of it depends on the rapport you establish with a person. I have a feeling our second date will be a success!