10 Tips to Help You Find Your Soulmate

The quest to find my soulmate was challenging, to say the least. Often, it felt as if I had a better chance of winning the lottery than finding “The One.” Not only are there so many things vying for our attention and time, but there’s also the complicated dance of finding someone who we desire who also desires us and is available— on every level. Sounds daunting, doesn’t it?

I was a bit of a dating disaster. Not because I was a bad girlfriend (I wasn’t), but because I wasn’t focused. I dated guys I already knew were a dead end. I wasted so much time on guys who didn’t have the attributes I really needed in a man. I went out with movie stars, artists, entrepreneurs… I figured I had better odds if I said ‘yes’ to dates more often than ‘no’ — maybe one would stick. That said, I always had a strict no-physical-intimacy-until-after 10-dates rule though (more about that later).

It wasn’t until I hit 30 that I really got focused. I signed up for every dating site (and wrote about them here) and stacked my dates every free night I had. Two drinks: one after work at around 6pm, and another (the more promising date) at 7:30pm, so it could potentially transition into dinner if it was going well. While that led to a series of mediocre dates, it was exhausting. Eventually I gave up on that approach and asked my friends to set me up. That was when I met my soulmate. A fantastic blind date, followed by a month of dating, and we were engaged. Five years later and we’re still going strong.

If you’re still looking for your soulmate, here are ten things to remember when looking for your soul mate:

Sit down and make three lists.

My hubby taught me this trick. About six months before he met me he made a list of 10 must-have (non-physical) attributes, and that’s (partially) how he knew he’d found a good match in me. More importantly, it’s how he knew to cut the women who came before me loose.

Here are the three lists you need to make:

1. First, must haves – go for the deep stuff. Can you trust him? Do you admire him? Do you respect him? Is he expressive, loving, in touch with his heart and spirituality?
2. Second, make a separate list of nice to haves with this future partner. How do you act around him? What does he bring out in you? How do you feel around him?
3. And finally, make a deal-breaker list. For example, if you want children and he doesn’t, then he isn’t the man for you. Don’t get involved. The sooner you find out, the better.

Wait.

Do NOT get naked with a guy until you get to know him. I had a minimum 10-date rule, but longer for guys who I still felt I didn’t really understand. Make sure your “must-haves” are present BEFORE you have sex, as getting physical will release a ton of oxytocin – the bonding hormone – and get you addicted to nearly anyone. Whether you believe you’re the one person who’s immune to the emotional power of sex or not, the cold-hard-science is that being sexual with someone changes your brain chemistry and artificially bonds you to a person. It could keep you from seeing them clearly, and it’s not worth it if it means you could waste time on someone who’s not right for you while your soulmate gets married to someone else.

Be Honest.

The best qualifier if you want a great relationship is communicating your own needs and desires. If you are ready for marriage and children, you need to tell him on the second or third date. If he runs away or becomes evasive, you should move on ASAP .

Observe Carefully.

Ask a lot of questions early on and wait to share your views until after he’s already told you his, to prevent him from mirroring you. Believe him when he answers you, but don’t ignore the red flags. Take note of these four things, specifically:

1. How much he does or doesn’t do in terms of going out of their way for you (physically and emotionally).
2. Observe the way he speaks to his mother (with reverence or disdain).
3. See if when you leave his company if you feel more expanded than before meeting him.
4. Step back and witness how he interacts with you. Ultimately, if he wants you, he’ll come after you. Yes, it’s a little old school, but it’s a classic technique. And trust me, you don’t want to be running after someone for the rest of your life.

Does He Make You Better?

Do you feel called into a higher version of yourself in his presence? If so, that’s a great indicator that he could be The One. Ask a potential mate, “How do you see me? What is your vision of me in the future?” Generally how a man sees you, treats you, and envisions you in the future has a great influence on how you show up in your relationship and thus the world. You will blossom and grow around the right man.

Be Your True Self.

Show up as your truest self – even if that means you go on a date with him and a few friends (something a little more casual). Hanging in a group is actually the fastest way of seeing how he really is around others. The rigid interview-esque format of the one-on-one, in which two people audition for the greatest role of their life — husband or wife — lends itself to acting. Connect with a human being, not a “future husband.” Be yourself because that’s who you’ll be in a few months anyway, and you might as well choose someone who likes you for your real self now instead of hiding until one day you become so exhausted you just can’t hide anymore – and you break up.

Is He Your Type? Then Maybe You Should Dump Him.

Take a step back and decide if you are dating the same guy over again. If you are then the chances are that it’s going to end the same way as all of the others. I didn’t have this particular issue, but a few of my girlfriends did. The reason that they kept being attracted to what was essentially the same person over and over is because that particular brand of comfort or drama felt familiar to them. But feeling familiar doesn’t necessarily mean he’s good for you. Take a look at the men you’ve dated in the past five years and see how many of them are really the same guy with the same issues just in a different body.

Don’t Let The Internet Decide For You.

We live in a culture where we share every thought, emotion and activity with as many people as possible via social media. Take the time to get to know him before making up your mind based on the information you found during your Google search. Nothing can substitute a face to face interaction. Be careful not to hide behind your smart phone too long as you’re in danger of creating a false sense of intimacy.

Hatch a Plan.

Accept that finding a quality man requires a realistic plan of action. In today’s world, it is unlikely that it will happen organically. A combination of online and offline dating is the best way to increase your chances of finding The One. There are plenty of dating sites available. However, it’s important that you are clear about what you are looking for and don’t stop when it takes longer that you thought (or settle for casual hook ups) if you want more than just physical attraction.

No More “Trying”.

Finally, don’t waste time with people who are not marriage material or do not treat you well. I know it gets lonely sometimes, however, spending time with a person who you are too embarrassed to introduce to friends, family and colleagues is a waste of time. Similarly, if he’s not right for you, stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and just dump him already! Your romantic partner has a huge impact on where you’re going and where you will end up etc . If things aren’t going the way they should, make moves to free yourself up and be available for a relationship with someone who wants what you want.

Do not be afraid to be decisive and to make tough calls quickly when circumstances require it. Once you have all the information you need to make an informed decision, then don’t hesitate, just make it. Also, once you make a decision then stick with it unless there is a particularly compelling reason for you to change it.

Why not give these tips a try? What do you have to lose? At the very least, it will help you weed out the bad apples and move you closer to a healthy, loving and happy committed relationship.