By a conservative estimate, my hubby and I get asked when we’re going to have kids probably once a month. When we first got married, the question was posed more frequently, but now our friends and family have given in to the fact that we put a lot of thought into our life choices and don’t mind being different (I mean, hey, we’re vegan).
When I was in my 20’s, I assumed I was going to have kids someday. That was back before I started questioning everything in life. The more I open my eyes to the realities of the world (like where our food comes from, for example), the more I see that, in reality, things aren’t how they’re marketed to us. It’s not that having kids can’t be a great thing for some people — I’m sure it is. It’s just that, in my mind, I’d had this movie trailer playing in my brain that consisted of Thanksgiving dinners and happy times with family. In reality, most families have serious ups and downs. Having kids is a rollercoaster, no matter how you slice it.
When I got sick, I realized that reducing stress in my life needed to be top priority if I was going to lead a long, healthy life. So I cut back on work, started incorporating stress-relieving habits like taking baths and meditating, and made a list of life’s current and potential stressors. Kids was right at the top of that list. But that’s not the main reason we chose not to have them. Here’s the list we made while we were mulling over the decision:
The sad reality is that humans are an invasive species and we are suffocating the planet and its other inhabitants…
Earth is wayyyyyy overpopulated.
It’s hard to hear, I know, but the inconvenient truth is that the world needs (a lot) less people, not more. There’s no such thing as a carbon-neutral, pollution and waste-free person. Unless your kid ends up being Elon Musk, and what are the chances of that?
We want a low-stress life.
Stress is a killer. The chemicals your body produces when you feel stress are a major factor in disease, they cause your body to deteriorate, they destroy your gut (which can cause many long term health problems), and they make it so your mood and sleep is all wonky. Plus, being under a lot of stress makes your life pretty unpleasant. I’d rather have the low-stress option of watching a movie with my hubby, reading a book, or going to dinner with friends, rather than dealing with my kid’s daily dramas.
We want to travel.
Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve felt the itch explore, and have flown off to have an adventure somewhere new at least once a month. I know there are people who say you can travel with kids, but let’s not kid ourselves — it’s not exactly the same as just you and your hubby, is it? #SayNoToDisneyland
We want to protect our relationship.
For many (dare I say ‘most’) couples, having kids makes keeping the romance alive much, much harder. Let’s be honest — it’s no secret that having kids puts so much strain on a marriage that many couples either become miserable or divorce. That’s just statistics. Our marriage is super strong, but seriously, why test it like that? Keeping my marriage romantic, low-stress, and happy is my first priority. (I know that some of you will disagree and say that it made your marriage stronger, and more power to ya! You’re the lucky ones!)
We don’t want to be babysitters.
Watching kids shows, dealing with other kids and their parents, and shuttling your kids to birthday parties, sports events, and school (not to mention PTA meetings) all sound like things we’d rather avoid. I’d rather be able to work on Urbanette or choose to do what I want, when I want.
We want to live wherever we want.
We don’t want the home we choose to live in to be dictated by school districts. Having the luxury of living in different places is a big plus. If we had kids, that would be a lot harder. Once you have kids, it’s a lot harder to quit your job, move to a new place, or a host of other options that effectively disappear once you have the responsibility of raising a family.
We would rather donate to charity.
Having kids costs a fortune. It’s estimated that the first 18 years of a kids life costs their parents about $500,000 per child (if you live in a good area — ie. not Idaho Falls or El Paso). And that’s if you send them to public school. We’d rather donate that money to charities, where it can have a huge impact, instead of using it all up on one person.
It’s just a lot of risk.
What if our kid were to get paralyzed? Or have addiction problems? Or split personality disorder? Or any number of other things? It’s a big risk, and then you become a lifelong caretaker with no time for anything else. And I’m pretty sure I’d go nuts and hunt down some 19-year-old prick if I found out that my daughter had been raped in college, as about a third of girls are.
Bonus statistic: The single biggest predictor that a woman will end up in financial collapse is the birth of a child.
Ok, so I know that some of you are going to hate me for this list, because it goes against the grain of society and what the public has been sold on: The American Dream. ie. Have kids, get a mortgage, etc. I’m not saying that people have kids solely because society tells them to. I just find it interesting to consider that the American Dream was manufactured by the people in charge (ie. the CEO’s of massive corporations that have hundreds of thousands — or millions — of employees). Those people in charge have access to advertising, the media, politicians, and shaping cultural norms. Their goals are: create harder workers and less turnover. They get that by making their employees feel trapped, so they’ll work harder and be less likely to move, quit, become an entrepreneur, etc. Just some food for thought…
When it boils down, some people really love having kids, and more power to ’em! But in our case, I’m really, really glad that we thoroughly considered all these factors before jumping on the kid bandwagon. My husband and I are sure that this is the right decision for us, but life isn’t a one-size-fits-all, so having kids (as long as you’ve carefully considered the implications) may still be the best choice for your life. But for us, our cats are our furbabies, and the freedom that comes along with being DINK’s (dual income no kids) is one of the main reasons that our lives are so happy and low stress — and will (hopefully) remain that way.
Have you considered all these factors? What are your thoughts about having (or not having) kids?
A writer, artist, and designer since she was young enough to put pencil to paper, Hilary taught herself code and created Urbanette when she was a teenager. Currently, she lives in Monte Carlo, but spent the past decade living in NYC, still considers herself a New Yorker, and visits regularly. She's always traveling, looking for hot new topics, destinations, and life hacks to bring to Urbanette readers.
I remember reading a study conducted by University of Pennsylvania. The study found out that “young women today, less likely plan to have or adopt kids than their forbears because their engagement in friendship networks and professional networks is a kind of substitute for the need to create a family of one’s own.”
I googled the study you mentioned because it caught my interest. I’d like to find out if the study discussed a U-shaped relationship between social liberalism and fertility. I’d like to know if fewer couples will choose to have children if they are given more options because society gets more liberal. And I wonder if more couples will choose to have kids if social liberalism becomes more accepted because couples will be better matched, burdens are shared equally and having children will be less burdensome…
YES! We can be better global citizens. I do think it would be best if we give our world a “breather.” We do not need 7 BILLION people on earth, our population can diminish to a billion and then go for sustainable living.
I and hubby opted to have kids. My thought reading your article is that social networks seem to fade in the elderly and it might be well worth considering. I mean those without “true” family seem to struggle much more during older years…
Having children is not a guarantee that you will have someone to care for you in your old age. They may live far away and will likely have their OWN obligations that take priority over you, like starting their own families.
I don’t want to have children simply because I don’t want to have children. When I take a moment to be still and listen to my heart, there is no desire to have children. When I think about my future, there are no children in it, just me and my husband. For me, it’s something that doesn’t come into my heart or mind at any time.
Along with the decision to not have children comes a whole set of questions and statements. The most common, in my experience, are, “You’ll never know real love,” and, “Don’t worry, I said the same thing. You’ll change your mind,” and, on the more aggressive end of the scale, “That’s selfish. Grow up. You’re going to be lonely when you’re old, have you thought about that?”
I just want to say this…. when I speak to someone with a child, I never say to them, “You’ll never know real freedom,” or “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll change your mind one day,” or “How selfish, don’t you know the planet is overpopulated?” I don’t say those things because they’re rude.
Another common question is, “How old are you?” When you give them an answer, the person uses that number to run some figures on how long you have until you’re physically unable to fall pregnant, before insisting, “You’re young, you’ve still got plenty of time to change your mind.” And that’s the thing that gets me, it’s always up for discussion. Having a child isn’t a decision for other people to weigh in on, it’s an individual one.
I was just like this before. I don’t want to babysit a child, and I don’t want to ruin my plans. I married my wife and told her that having kids was not in my plans, but she refused to it. I have no choice, but to give it to her. Now, I understand the importance of children at home.
When I was a child, I also see myself getting married at the age of mid 20’s. That’s what everyone’s dream, right? I am in my mid 20’s, and I am single, and I have no plans in getting married because I want to focus on my career first. It’s not a bad idea to pursue your career, rather than to settle down.
This was my decision at first. I was an only child and I grew up with my Dad since my Mom had her second family. My Dad was strict and I grew up boyish. I didn’t like kids. But then I met this guy and something happened. I thought I was pregnant but when we went to see a doctor, and I diagnosed as infertile and will never have a baby. I was supposed to be happy since I don’t like kids. But I felt hurt. Some part of me felt something was lost. So, be careful what you wish for.
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I remember reading a study conducted by University of Pennsylvania. The study found out that “young women today, less likely plan to have or adopt kids than their forbears because their engagement in friendship networks and professional networks is a kind of substitute for the need to create a family of one’s own.”
I googled the study you mentioned because it caught my interest. I’d like to find out if the study discussed a U-shaped relationship between social liberalism and fertility. I’d like to know if fewer couples will choose to have children if they are given more options because society gets more liberal. And I wonder if more couples will choose to have kids if social liberalism becomes more accepted because couples will be better matched, burdens are shared equally and having children will be less burdensome…
I respect and adore you, Hilary. You’ve just proven that not having kids isn’t a pathology or an accident of fate, but a choice.
YES! We can be better global citizens. I do think it would be best if we give our world a “breather.” We do not need 7 BILLION people on earth, our population can diminish to a billion and then go for sustainable living.
Considering overpopulation around the globe, the decision NOT TO ADD more human spawn to this world should be seen as noble.
I and hubby opted to have kids. My thought reading your article is that social networks seem to fade in the elderly and it might be well worth considering. I mean those without “true” family seem to struggle much more during older years…
Having children is not a guarantee that you will have someone to care for you in your old age. They may live far away and will likely have their OWN obligations that take priority over you, like starting their own families.
Your article reminded me of a book I read years ago, “A Baby? … Maybe: A Guide to Making the Most Fateful Decision of Your Life” by Elizabeth Whelan.
I don’t want to have children simply because I don’t want to have children. When I take a moment to be still and listen to my heart, there is no desire to have children. When I think about my future, there are no children in it, just me and my husband. For me, it’s something that doesn’t come into my heart or mind at any time.
Along with the decision to not have children comes a whole set of questions and statements. The most common, in my experience, are, “You’ll never know real love,” and, “Don’t worry, I said the same thing. You’ll change your mind,” and, on the more aggressive end of the scale, “That’s selfish. Grow up. You’re going to be lonely when you’re old, have you thought about that?”
I just want to say this…. when I speak to someone with a child, I never say to them, “You’ll never know real freedom,” or “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll change your mind one day,” or “How selfish, don’t you know the planet is overpopulated?” I don’t say those things because they’re rude.
Another common question is, “How old are you?” When you give them an answer, the person uses that number to run some figures on how long you have until you’re physically unable to fall pregnant, before insisting, “You’re young, you’ve still got plenty of time to change your mind.” And that’s the thing that gets me, it’s always up for discussion. Having a child isn’t a decision for other people to weigh in on, it’s an individual one.
I was just like this before. I don’t want to babysit a child, and I don’t want to ruin my plans. I married my wife and told her that having kids was not in my plans, but she refused to it. I have no choice, but to give it to her. Now, I understand the importance of children at home.
When I was a child, I also see myself getting married at the age of mid 20’s. That’s what everyone’s dream, right? I am in my mid 20’s, and I am single, and I have no plans in getting married because I want to focus on my career first. It’s not a bad idea to pursue your career, rather than to settle down.
This was my decision at first. I was an only child and I grew up with my Dad since my Mom had her second family. My Dad was strict and I grew up boyish. I didn’t like kids. But then I met this guy and something happened. I thought I was pregnant but when we went to see a doctor, and I diagnosed as infertile and will never have a baby. I was supposed to be happy since I don’t like kids. But I felt hurt. Some part of me felt something was lost. So, be careful what you wish for.
I grew up as an only child. Having children around irritates me. I guess that’s why I never thought of having kids.