Recently, a female friend of mine remarked that she preferred being friends with men, rather than women. She smiled as she said that she found men easier to get along with. “They don’t always talk about clothes, makeup, men or children, are not so critical, and most of all, they are less vicious and jealous than women. Women hate other women.” Almost immediately, she realized that she made a faux-pas and changed the subject.
Initially I felt resentful about what she had said. ‘Typical’, I thought, ‘here’s another example of women hating women.’ But then it got me thinking – was there any truth in what she said? Are women really that critical and vicious, particularly with other women? Do women judge other women more harshly?
While we would hate to admit it, there could be a grain of truth in what she said. I remember the countless times when I have heard a woman make a less than flattering comment about another woman’s appearance. Or the times I saw a girlfriend relish in criticizing another woman based on any range of issues, from her looks to her character to who she dates, etc, like: “She’s put on weight since the last time I saw her – that dress seems a little tight, doesn’t it?” Or passive-aggressive snips, like “She’s lost weight. Of course, she spends a lot of time looking after herself. I myself hardly find the time – I am so busy looking after my family, you know. I like to do all the housework myself”. The implication being that the other woman who lost weight is a narcissist who neglects her family.
And I certainly know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of harsh and unfounded remarks.
Do these situations sound familiar? Many women are instinctively wary of another woman who is better looking, and happy to find fault in them. Look at the comments that are made about female stars, every time they gain half a pound or step out looking less than perfect. Or how viciously we comment about pretty women when they start losing their looks.
These comments are not all made by women – men can be just as bad or worse. But how many times do women make similar comments about a man?
Actor Ashley Judd speaks about this in her blog, citing the unkind comments directed at her when her face appeared bloated in photographs. The actor had to clarify that the puffiness was due to flu and sinus medication, and not plastic surgery. But even if it had been from plastic surgery — why should we criticize her for that? Why not, instead, have empathy about how we all live in a society that puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on women to stay young looking? Ashley Judd also mentioned how she was called a pig and cow when she gained weight, and states that “this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.”
And are things any different at the workplace? We keep talking of how men discriminate against women at work – but do women treat each other any better? Many working women will tell you that women are as bad as men when it comes to sexist discrimination. Most women openly say that would prefer to work for a male boss, and women bosses have been criticized for being more supportive to male employees.
If this is true, the question is why. Why are women so critical and cruel to their own sex? One reason could be that women have been conditioned to accept the patriarchal view – that is, women need to be put down, bullied and discriminated against to keep them oppressed. So unconsciously, we do the same. We are cruel and vicious with women, but not with men, because we accept that men should not be criticized – they have the right to their follies, wrinkles, ambition and defects, while women do not.
In the workplace specially, it is easier for a female boss to side with the men and treat women as inferior. That way she blends right in with her male colleagues and also eliminates any competition for herself from other women.
Yes, perhaps a lot of it has to do with social conditioning over centuries. But then… wait a moment. Half of society is comprised of women — so should we not accept 50 percent of the blame? As women, we face discrimination every day. So why don’t we support another woman when she is discriminated against? Why do we continue to discriminate against women? Why do we feel competitive and insecure around beautiful women? As bosses, why don’t we mentor our female employees, and as employees why don’t we support female bosses?
Yes, society, religion, the media, and even Disney pits women against women. But that is not an excuse — we must educate ourselves so that we can rise above our conditioning. The fight against gender inequality can never be won if we continue to propagate gender injustice. Women need to stand together in support of each other and work to bring about a change in society. We can achieve a lot if we simply choose to support each other and stand together as a sisterhood.
So let’s do it – support and care for each other and make sure that when a woman needs help, it is always available to her – especially from other women.
I do have female colleagues and some of them are my closest friends. It is true that women see other women as competitors in all aspect. I remember one time when one of them said that she hates how the female in the next table look because of too much makeup she puts on her face. But I know for a fact that somehow maybe she is just envious that the other woman looks pretty and some men in our office notice that too.
Haha! I guess your friend is just annoyed that the other woman is more eye catcher than her. But yeah, it is true! I have seen this kind of competition in our office too.
Well, women are competitive by nature. Honestly, we want to always look better, sexier, happier than others and I guess it is just how we really are. While reading this, I realized that this is one of the sad realities women face in the society as we feel the urge to be above other or else we will be left behind, and no one actually like that.
Great article and timely, given the focus of men behaving badly towards women. I think women hating women comes from the fact that, whereas men compete with each other over work and sports and other mechanisms of power, women compete with other women over men. This is turn comes from the fact that for eons women had to depend on men for economic and status reasons. If you see every woman as a competitor, of course you will want to destroy them. Let’s hope that as the playing field in the business world (whatever that business may be) becomes more level, as women have the same opportunities as men to advance, and as their compensation rises and they become more economically independent, they will stop attacking each other. It’s not a coincidence that among older women who are no longer competing for a mate or for a father for their children, they start to form deep and satisfying friendships with other women.
Seeking out other people’s imperfections is the reason why we judge other, particularly if you don’t like them, serves two purposes: making us feel better about ourselves, and sort of congratulating yourself in the relief that you are not like (whether physically, or in mannerisms) the person you dislike. It’s weird…I’m guilty as hell of that. If I have a conflict with a person, I start to take notice of absolutely everything I dislike about them. From mannerisms, to what they wear, the way they do things. It’s almost a subconscious thing, and I’m not proud of it, but surely it’s a normal behavioral pattern?
No one is perfect… So why even bother judging someone about it?
Insecurity kills. Not only are you digging for your own grave, but you’re just filling your heart with hatred.
There isn’t really any point in hating on other women. I mean, what do we even gain from it? It doesn’t make us better than those we hate. We just end up being the worst one.?
Women are the ones setting all of these “standards” and making all of these “objectifying” trends for themselves. Then they blame men for all of it. An example would be say a celebrity woman agreed to take a naked photo shoot, once the female community see’s the photo, those rudimentary minded sluts would all shout that men are “objectifying” them through the media. When really they are doing it themselves! Why don’t they yell at the women allowing themselves to be “objectified?
Well, that’s a little rude. It doesn’t apply to everyone though.
We should all just empower each other.
It’s almost like women don’t want to be seen to be weak or giving in, or favoring women, so they act badly or act like they think a man would act.
I do wish women wouldn’t do it; tear each other down. I’ve received so many dirty looks and other rubbish from girls I don’t even freakin’ know! The animosity could be sliced with a knife sometimes it’s so thick… Thing is I’m trying, as I go to realize this when I do feel daggers and receive aggro from other women, even if I know them and they’re supposed to be my friends. Plus if it is down to self-esteem, wishing women wouldn’t do it won’t help. Our self-esteem hangs on so many things and is a result of so many experiences it would take a while for anyone to get to the bottom of why they feel the way they do and sort it out, and that’s realizing their self-esteem issues in the first place because not everyone does! All I can say is that I’ve been working on my own esteem issues and am trying to make myself a stronger, better person, I’ve never been happier since I started to do this!
I wish for the same thing, actually. Most of us do.