Recently, a female friend of mine remarked that she preferred being friends with men, rather than women. She smiled as she said that she found men easier to get along with. “They don’t always talk about clothes, makeup, men or children, are not so critical, and most of all, they are less vicious and jealous than women. Women hate other women.” Almost immediately, she realized that she made a faux-pas and changed the subject.
Initially I felt resentful about what she had said. ‘Typical’, I thought, ‘here’s another example of women hating women.’ But then it got me thinking – was there any truth in what she said? Are women really that critical and vicious, particularly with other women? Do women judge other women more harshly?
While we would hate to admit it, there could be a grain of truth in what she said. I remember the countless times when I have heard a woman make a less than flattering comment about another woman’s appearance. Or the times I saw a girlfriend relish in criticizing another woman based on any range of issues, from her looks to her character to who she dates, etc, like: “She’s put on weight since the last time I saw her – that dress seems a little tight, doesn’t it?” Or passive-aggressive snips, like “She’s lost weight. Of course, she spends a lot of time looking after herself. I myself hardly find the time – I am so busy looking after my family, you know. I like to do all the housework myself”. The implication being that the other woman who lost weight is a narcissist who neglects her family.
And I certainly know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of harsh and unfounded remarks.
Do these situations sound familiar? Many women are instinctively wary of another woman who is better looking, and happy to find fault in them. Look at the comments that are made about female stars, every time they gain half a pound or step out looking less than perfect. Or how viciously we comment about pretty women when they start losing their looks.
These comments are not all made by women – men can be just as bad or worse. But how many times do women make similar comments about a man?
Actor Ashley Judd speaks about this in her blog, citing the unkind comments directed at her when her face appeared bloated in photographs. The actor had to clarify that the puffiness was due to flu and sinus medication, and not plastic surgery. But even if it had been from plastic surgery — why should we criticize her for that? Why not, instead, have empathy about how we all live in a society that puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on women to stay young looking? Ashley Judd also mentioned how she was called a pig and cow when she gained weight, and states that “this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.”
And are things any different at the workplace? We keep talking of how men discriminate against women at work – but do women treat each other any better? Many working women will tell you that women are as bad as men when it comes to sexist discrimination. Most women openly say that would prefer to work for a male boss, and women bosses have been criticized for being more supportive to male employees.
If this is true, the question is why. Why are women so critical and cruel to their own sex? One reason could be that women have been conditioned to accept the patriarchal view – that is, women need to be put down, bullied and discriminated against to keep them oppressed. So unconsciously, we do the same. We are cruel and vicious with women, but not with men, because we accept that men should not be criticized – they have the right to their follies, wrinkles, ambition and defects, while women do not.
In the workplace specially, it is easier for a female boss to side with the men and treat women as inferior. That way she blends right in with her male colleagues and also eliminates any competition for herself from other women.
Yes, perhaps a lot of it has to do with social conditioning over centuries. But then… wait a moment. Half of society is comprised of women — so should we not accept 50 percent of the blame? As women, we face discrimination every day. So why don’t we support another woman when she is discriminated against? Why do we continue to discriminate against women? Why do we feel competitive and insecure around beautiful women? As bosses, why don’t we mentor our female employees, and as employees why don’t we support female bosses?
Yes, society, religion, the media, and even Disney pits women against women. But that is not an excuse — we must educate ourselves so that we can rise above our conditioning. The fight against gender inequality can never be won if we continue to propagate gender injustice. Women need to stand together in support of each other and work to bring about a change in society. We can achieve a lot if we simply choose to support each other and stand together as a sisterhood.
So let’s do it – support and care for each other and make sure that when a woman needs help, it is always available to her – especially from other women.
In reality, it is just sad that we, as women, are convinced by society that other women are the enemies. We are told that we need to compete with one another for men, jobs, appearance and everything else in between.
Agree with this! And this does not only apply to women but also to us men. We were also raised to e competitive and was taught to fight over a position we know we deserve.
Every single day, I witness this kind of behavior when women show towards one another. Whether it’s making fun of someone’s picture or is something even harsher such as spreading lies and gossip about one another in an attempt to make ourselves look better, this is something all of us ladies are guilty of, and I myself is guilty of this.
I just hate people (not only women) who always feel entitled to comment is someone else’s life, especially to public personalities. When it is sad that the entertainment industry now tells us what beautiful is and how should celebrity looks on screen, the viewers feel they can just say whatever they want and as if they are perfect.
It is good to know that women are becoming brave and more open to speaking their minds in so many issues around nowadays. But I hope women can also use their freedom of speech in the right ways and not to destroy someone’s life. I have seen and read so many negative comments from women to other women on social media platforms and it is just so sad how women try to pull others down. #whereisfeminism
Women are natural tackles. I have heard a lot of girls talking about how other girls look in a restaurant or cafe. When they see a woman, regardless of how the person looks, they can easily give bad comments and look for her flaw than to compliment her. For me, women like that are just so insecure about their own body.
I would admit that we women are emotional and insecure, all the time. Even if we do not admit it, we easily envy others for their looks. And feeling that way I think is normal because I believe that some are really above others. But I also believe that women, in general, are kind and loving. Most of the time we feel pride for what other women contribute, be it at home, office or in our society. So, I still want to believe that women can be the best friends of other women and not enemies.
Well said! ??? I know a lot of women who are more kind and helpful than envious and insecure.
I find women extreme. I have seen some cat fights at work over men and they were all pathetic. Women, in general, are jealous of their same kind because of all the things others have that they do not. And they often times try to put each other down.
I have experienced being bullied when I was in school and the bullies were all women. I always thought that women can look after each other because that’s what my mother taught me. But when those women started bullying me because they said they didn’t like me for doing good at school, I learned that men are not the most dangerous kind but women are. Their jealousy ate them and they tried beating me and doing some pranks on me until I do not want to go to school anymore. They saw me as a competition they needed to eliminate. That particular time of my life taught me to be tough and always be ready for all the women who would want to knock me down in this life. So yes, most of the time our same kind (women) could be our worst enemies.
I think it is normal for women to think that other women are their best competition because I believe we already learned to accept that men somehow is above us. We get to criticize other women to make ourselves feel better. We look into others flaws for our own flaws to be covered and we are most of the time mean to other girls so we can feel superior to them.
Absolutely true! We do the things we do not want to experience to other women so we can feel better about ourselves and we can put ourselves above them.
I would agree that men friends are less critical and complicated than women. Maybe because we are so emotional about everything and men usually just go with the flow. But I still have a good number of women friends who I can talk to about anything and I feel that we all compliment each other than being competitive.